Instead of feeling competitively comfortable with the place that I am at I feel there's some key element missing.
Now that's not to say I don't have absolutely amazing people around me telling me they believe in me, because I genuinely do. It's me feeling like for some reason or another I am missing a piece of me. This isn't from some void or feeling of abandonment. This is some eternal paranoid restlessness that I am feeling within my own mind. I have this feeling that the sky is falling and will fall at any given moment. And due to that I love my life waiting for the day my mental apocalypse arrives.
I can't sleep because when I do I dream about my demise; I imagine what it will be like to become yet another forgotten stone on the road to life. I fear not dying, but living without a purpose, without making an impact. I feel myself living to become the villain, not the hero.
I see, with every piece of my construct and development that I am struggling with gaining a grasp on me and on the things that I used to find very easy and stressless.
I can't sleep, my eating patterns are entirely off track. I feel like with all the progress I've made, my mistakes knock me back tenfold. I feel just as volatile, angry and incomplete as I've ever felt. I'm tumbling down the mountain and am hopelessly and desperately trying to reach out and grab onto something that helps me end this mental and enotional free fall.
It's a long way down ... And the climb back up ain't easy as it sounds. I hear it's such a long way down, and the climb back up is just something I could do without.
