Sedimentation.

Throughout my life I've struggled with one thing that I've never really lived without. Other vices, shortcomings and chapter flaws come and go but this one, I can't recall a day of my life where I didn't live with this cancerous feeling in my heart: feeling utterly unwanted. 

She acts as if I have no basis for feeling this way; she acts as if it's entirely my fault. It probably is ALL MY FAULT like everything else. It's probably something I make up in my mind. Or maybe, just maybe I'm feeling that vibe and sentiment through her actions and through the way she belittles, undercuts, insults and degrades me when I speak up about anything. 

I tell her I would rather spend time with her and she tells me how I'm not enjoyable to be around, I'm miserable, I act like a child, I make it up. 

I say how I'm feeling the morning after she tells me to let her in and tell her how I'm feeling and this is the recoil. 

My mom always treated me as if I were some expendable add on that she would rather do without. My dad, well he was never around to even make me question. My siblings for the most part don't know me much at all. My "family" consists of her and my aunt. I have friends but very few that I have that level of openness with. 

She's the fuel to my fire and I feel she would ALWAYS rather be with her mom than me. Or her sister. It's a constant battle to fall 5th in line. When I speak out and open myself up I'm forced back into the little box I came from. I'm an annoyance to her. I'm someone she could as easily take as she could leave. 

No matter what I do, how much I sacrifice, give up and change it wouldn't be enough anyway. I'll never be any of them and that's really all that seems to matter. I never would've moved if it Kent I had to take a third tier level of importance. She claims she's worried and thinks about me but that isn't oft shown.

She claims that I have no reason to feel this way but I clearly do. First weekday morning I'm home in 3 months and she doesn't even think that "hey it's his break, he's home, let me spend time with him while I have him here". 

I don't know how to communicate with her because the minute I say something that violates her expectations, or goes against her untouchables, I become the source of the onward attack. 

It's not pitiful to want your person to want you around. It's not pathetic to seek the time of your great one. But for her, I'm not her person ... I'm not that go to for her. I'm a complimentary piece. She's my franchise and I'm on her bench. 

I don't know how to get thru to her. And  even if I did know how to, it wouldn't work because looking back on every time I've expressed myself, the same thing always ends up happening: 

I isolate myself due to expressing myself. She attacks me personally and on a wanting to hurt basis ... And I'm left to suck it up, "get over it" and "get over myself". 

How does someone keep fighting an uphill battle that seems more unwinnable than the days before? With every step seeming steeper and more defeating than before?

Hushed

I feel like I'm always on an island when it comes to you. That you'd rather repel and hush me than just let me talk. I never feel like I can express my words because the violate the cognitive structures already in place. My words seem to always violate your expectations and preformed notions. For me, I don't really know where to go with my frustrations. 

If I'm too frank I feel like I'm the even bigger villain than I already am. When I'm silent about it, my thoughts and feelings overwhelm and I'm left with nothing to gain stability from. 

It's like moving at the speed of sound, with my head up in the clouds. I'm not sure where to go from here but I feel her slipping through my fingers on a daily basis. 

Drowning Shadows

I think I may have finally done myself in. I can honestly say I don't think that I can gain back what I have lost. There's nothing I truly can say or do. 

It's simply hopes and wishes that I dismantled by my own hands. I've been too preoccupied with things to truly focus on the details ... I've let literally everyone down, I have no one at this very moment who gives a shit in my inner circle. They've all done what everyone who encounters me will do. They'll find someone or something that has more value and stability and gravitate toward that. I feel that all the potential people speak about, all the promise, is becoming more of a fallacy day by day. 

I've never been good enough for anyone to want to stay around. I've been a shit human being for quite some time and I don't really know how to overcome my own mind. 

I hated therapy because it made me feel lows that I never imagined and an anger, a hatred that burned the nucleus of whack and what I was. I don't know if that is the answer, I don't know if there is an answer for me or if I'm destined to lose her like I've lost every other thing I've loved in my life. Without Jessica, nothing in my life has the meaning it carries. Without her there is no motivation, no fire and desire for more within me. I'm tethered to this world through her eyes. And in my idiocy I damaged that view, that hopeful gaze she carries into the world. And I'll never forgive myself for betraying her heart like that. 

I don't know what to do and I don't know how to find out.