Drifting

What if I had never been? 

Looking back on the hourglass of my life what if I never amounted to anything ... If I never left home stemming out for a greater existence?

Would I have the ambition and drive that I forged in those impossible late nights filled with anger and pain? 

Would I drink to uncap my emotional complex?

Would everything truly be okay. Or would I be a dismal, dreary lampshade silhouette of the man I was supposed to be. Would Anchorage have been enough to contain my mind and soul? 

Would my mom and I be on better terms? Would family mean more to me than it does now ...

What if the stress of trying to become something you'd never seen yourself never happened. Would I have had that mental break, that downturn in my life. Would my nights have been filled with empty encounters to pass the time or would I have had a substantive connection to last me throughout?

I ask myself these questions as I stand and look at my life of 25 years. Why does my soul cry when my body barely produces a tear?

My search for meaning in a universe of nothingness leaves a bleak dissonance in my heart that may never be rectified. Never have I sought closure for any chapter of my life but I do beg the question ... What and who would I be? 

The heartless rotting soul I possess feels as if it's meant to be more. Tragedy has become my story. The potential of Mount Everest only to succumb to the pressure of the moment. It brings one to loathe the others human limitations. As I ponder the would I's I'm forced to asses whether everything has been for a reason ... Whether I'm supposed to have broken over and over and healed with the scars of my transgressions and tribulations. Only time can tell, but the ticking of eternity's clock can push one to lunacy, the high cliff is approaching fast; should I fly off it or work to keep myself away from the cusp ...

Everything Will Be Okay

Looking back and pondering things seems to be the hardest part of what I deal with. I over analyze every thought, moment and situation. I sit back and think of those moments of impact. 

What if I had kissed that girl instead of this one

What if I had stayed in that night

What if I had never transferred schools

What if I had chosen track. 

Why kind of human being would I be? Full of contrition and acceptance of the human condition or would I be this blubbering sycophant. 

Would my days flow smooth or would I face uphill battles much worse that what my already fragmented existence can fathom. 

I feel every single intimation and emotion in my daily life and to say it is hard wild be to sell everything I have gone thru and continue to go thru. Maybe I'll never know if there is that one person who can show me the path that I was destined to take. Maybe that moment of clarity, where the entire world slows to a crawl and I can see that chasm open up never comes.

What if a normal life is something I'll never attain. If this diagnosis and plague that fills body, mind and soul worsens and detaches me further. 

How will I ever know if I made the right choice? How will I know if I'm the right me? How can someone who has spent their best, brightest days so lost ever know when they have been found within themself? 

I've lived among the dark skies and clouded horizons and I will never know if I'll be enough for the longer march. There's nothing I can do to facilitate or force this unveiling. 

Daily I walk around with the weight of a world hung around my neck and there are days I don't feel I can even look others in the eyes because I don't feel like they'd ever understand. But if everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am ...

Even if I don't make it ... Everything will be ok? Right ... These things happen I guess.