Pounding the Gavel

Why can't the past be the past? 

Why does a good person have to go through so many bad times?

I'm one of those aforementioned people. I've gone thru so much in my  life that I never should've had to go through. 

One thing I can't seem to shake is the judgement I receive for my past. I've done a lot of things that I personally am not proud of. I'm not the perfect person and I can readily admit that. The things I have done are stark in contrast to the person I am and the things I believe. I never wanted to find myself as a victim of my own self serving and hollow actions. 

Somehow every time something shows promise or even the slightest bit of difference from what I'm used to experiencing or have had in the past the mask that I hid behind for the last few years peeks out from the corner that I had buried it in. No matter what I say, do or show to people I'm still for one reason or another cast as some bad human being with no potential to be honest or be taken for my words weight and character. 

This is one of the reasons why my life is structured the way it is. I work early mornings/late nights to avoid the polarity of my life. I separate myself from society because I would rather be lonely and depressed than judged. I can't handle the ways that I'm thrown to the wolves on a daily basis and somehow I stave off the inevitable that I'm one day going to have to face. 

I've already paid my repentance and have stood and taken the repercussions of my actions. I ask that as human beings, who are all imperfect and regretful of things they've done. 

If you don't and wouldn't want to be judged and cut down because of your past, then you are in like with all of us who feel that way. We don't live this life to avoid mistakes. We live this life to embrace our shortcomings and bad decisions to grow and progress out of them. 

Lest we forget our dumb decisions. They are universal. So the expectation to not be judged is also universal. 

"Please don't judge me, cuz I won't judge you. Cuz it could get ugly, before it gets beautiful." 

- Chris Brown

A fitting person to get a quite from on this subject if I could say so myself. 

Batten Down the Hatches

You know, they say there's something to be remembered about karma ... Karma has this inate ability to come back and tear you to pieces. Karma can take the greatest things in your life and completely invert them. 

Tonight/this morning karma and life somehow destroyed the old me that was beginning to emerge. I lost sight of the true nature of people. I lost sight of the mask I had so painfully mistaken to be veiled over me. I realized that it is a mask worn by others. That other people can truly damage a soul. That it isn't what you lose in the battle of life; it's what others are willing to take and see taken from you. 

I've sacrificed a lot of myself the last few years to see others succeed and endure. I also have begun to see that my life isn't one of those stories that has that blessed quaint happy ending. My life is an uncompleted checklist that may never be finished. I may never have the simple little things my peers have and will obtain. For me, the simplest things in life seem to be an insurmountable pile of pure shit that has consumed the path I was intended to have taken in my life. 

I've seen the next few steps ahead and I continue to ask why it seems like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders yet cannot seem to find the end to this prison I'm trapped in. 

I close myself off not in fear of getting hurt, I do it so that others don't ever have to feel or experience the gravity of my life's experiences. So they never know how heavy my burdens are. I'd rather deal in silence than let others feel the pain and anguish I do on a daily basis. 

Welcome to Heartbreak

There are many things in life that can't truly be explained by logic, or definitions. There are many feelings that have a gravity that never seems to detach from you. With heartbreak ... It's the most inescapable, insurmountable emotion one can experience. There is no corner of the earth, there are no moments of solace that you can turn to to bring you out of the pit. Heartbreak consumes you ... It follows you through your path forever, never truly letting go. You cannot escape heartbreak. You can only navigate through it's walls and corridors. It is the mind gym that changes you, never to become the person you once were. You never go back from heartbreak. The person you once were is dead and gone. But there is a light at the end of the long, arduous tunnel. It takes years to even return to some resemblance of normal  ... Heartbreak holds you; and with some people it never let's go.