What came time today

Today started out the same a yesterday. Really solemn and down. I felt myself sliding into a funk. Then I went to group, I've never been more renewed with motivation. I heard a story from one of the girls in the group and it completely put me into perspective, my situation and gave me the ability to see what I must do. The guy who sat next to me also helped me see some of myself. He spoke about the ways in which he struggled day to day with his depression and symptoms. I feel stronger now that there is another person with Borderline in the group. She didn't say anything last week but she revealed to me that she did. I'm not alone, I'm not crazy. There are other people here that are dealing with the same things. They have me advice on how to approach things with Kendall. On what to do with my life as a whole. On how to regulate, cope, how to work my way through my swings and dips. Her story about how she pushed her boyfriend away, he couldn't speak to her. She didn't have contact with him. How he became cold after warming up and stayed cold for a while, then he, after time, came to her and listened. He opened up to her. He had a relationship in between that time. She said it felt "cruddy" to hear that and that it was hard for her to maintain his attention because he was so skeptical and didn't even know if she would get him back. But she got him back. And they've been better. That's what I want. I want to work timelessly to prove to Kendall that I'm the man she envisions. I love her. I want a love like Johnny and June. I'm off to do my exercises and read. I will be back. I will be better.

Yesterday

The 30th was hard on so many fronts. Not speaking to Kendall and the aftermath of her words Monday might I was crushed and absolutely broken. My optimism took a hit. Myself confidence and self esteem took a hit. I can see it in her eyes that part of her still wants me to prove her wrong but a majority of her doesn't believe or see me being able to. I love her so much. And her words that "she's frustrated with us" are echoed on my part. I don't want her to quit on me, to give up and toss me aside. I want her to love me still. To care. I haven't slept in 3 days. I'm not able to hold food down. My body knows that this isn't right. That what happened isn't what's supposed to happen. I miss her. I want to talk to her. I can't give up. I can't stop fighting for love.
After my session yesterday I felt a renewed sense of motivation and desire. The out of body exercise really put things into perspective. It helped me see how I can be the biggest ally of myself. That I AM my biggest friend and helper. I control things. I control my life. I'm able to bury my past. I'm able to forgive and love thru the pain. I was defeated Monday night. I was so so buried. But I'm not defeated. I'm not a loser. I'm dedicated to fixing myself and getting better. I'm dedicated to show her that love is worth it. That I'm worth it once again. It's going to be a tall mountain to climb, it's going to take hard work and diligence but after talking with my counselor yesterday, her questions and her objective view showed me that it's not simply about saying my actions will change. It's about changing them now and building upon them. That I'm not this way because I chose it, or I deserve it. I didn't do anything wrong to have the circumstances I have. It's the way I was intended to have been. I was supposed to want Kendall. I'm supposed to fight because if I feel that in my soul then I can't ignore it. If I feel that love for her still I can't just say its not enough. It is enough. Love is the life force, it is our salvation. I love you Kendall. You may never read this but I do. I'm here, I'm open and I'm missing you. Good luck on your test, you'll rock it. I can't wait to talk to you again.

Tonight

I'm so empty, so hollow, so cold. I miss you Kendall. So so much. I'm sorry for all I've done. All the bonehead things I did. I know that I can do what I've said I can. It needs time. But right now I can't contain myself. I feel like I was shoved out of a plane.

Sleepless

As I sit here, one thing is certain. I cannot sleep. I can't block put the image of him on top of her, I can't block out the image of her kissing him, of him laying in my spot in her bed, just hours after I was there. I can't block out the disgust in my heart. I feel so low. I've been crying all night, I can't escape it. I can't avoid and ignore it. It's the only thing on my mind. Why? Why?!? It's my fault. I can't sleep because it will dominate my nightmares and eject me from my sleep back to this nothingness. The silence of the night. I'm so hurt, I'm so so so hurt. I've never felt this worthless, this expendable and replaceable in my life. I ... I can't even vocalize. I need to get out of here, this house; I can't even be in my bed because it reminds me of her, which reminds me of everything that happened. Sitting on this balcony I am trying, I'm trying to ignore it but I can't. I can't close my eyes. I can't fall asleep.

The price of love

Love is hard, it's a serious commitment and decision to see one as perfect through all of their imperfections. Things don't always happen like they do in Hollywood. But one thing is for certain. Love is worth it. When you find someone that overcomes all boundaries and causes you to see yourself as more than one person I've begun to see myself as a man. No longer do I think of my self image negatively. I see my own worth through the salvation that is her love. I know things are hard and I feel devastated but "god will take you through hell, just to get you to heaven" has never had more meaning to me. I can't stop crying, I want to sleep but my dreams will be nightmares. I miss her, I wish that she was laying here next to me. That she was with me. Time heals all wounds but this is the worst wound I've ever had. I honestly feel like I was hit by a bus. I've thrown up twice. I miss her so much and I'm sorry that I caused that. I am responsible. I'm to blame.

Today :(

Today was an up and down day. I went to group and shared a lot more of me and my situation than I ever expected. I got amazing suggestions and feedback from the others. I was so proud of myself. I felt like I had taken a huge step. My sharing of the mistakes I made and the ways I hurt Kendall were eye opening based on the feedback I got. Many of them had been in similar situations. They too had made grave mistakes in their relationships and acted out in similar ways to me. One girl even said she was able to fix the damage she had done. Her situation was even worse than what I've done wrong and she and her guy fixed it. It gives me hope that I can. Thinking of Kendall gives me butterflies. I love her so much and I wish I hadn't done these inappropriate things and said those unfaithful things. I want her back in my arms. As I sit out on this balcony one thing is clear. The love I have for her is true. It is perfect. I may not have always shown by my actions but my love for her is incapable of being tainted. And I know she loves me immensely and doesn't know what to do and is hurt beyond hurt. She has every right to be. I was wrong. I was so so wrong. I'm never going to hurt her like that again. I want to earn back the day where I say those 10 words:
"I love you Kendall Rae Vickers, will you marry me?"
Those ten words mean more to me than any other words in existence. I love you Kendall. So much. And my remorse and regret motivate me to never EVER again make you hurt or feel like this. I'm going to give you better than I did because you're worth it and your love is worth it. I have to prove to you that I'm worth it. Goodnight love, you're with me in my dreams and in my heart. I love you.

The last two days

Today I woke up disoriented. I have no idea why, but I simply did. Last night at the game I had only one thing on my mind, Kendall. The entire game I thought about how much I wished she was going to walk up in that pink #22 and come on the field. Outside of that it was the first game that I kept control of my emotions. I didn't allow myself to get angry or frustrated. I took deep breaths and let things slide down my back. I feel so proud of myself for taking that step.
I had a great session yesterday, I talked about the conversation I had with my step mother, how deep and breaking it was. I told her things I never thought I ever would. I also talked about the first time I caught a mood swing and the feelings surrounding that. I'm slowly getting better. Now I'm starting to see things that I never did before. My mantra is something I do to make sure when I start to feel a descent coming on I say it and take a minute to refocus my mind. I miss Kendall more and more everyday. I'm focused on making sure I am a better man for me as well as her. She's amazing, simply the best. No one else comes close to her. I love her infinitely. If I could truly put it into words it would be the most beautiful verse in human history. I'm going to show her my transition. My maturation from stupid immature boy to man that is willing to take on the world for her. I was selfish and pig headed. I won't ever be that way to her again. I'm preparing to go through hell to earn the respect of her family and friends again. She is worth it absolutely and unequivocally. I'm headed to start my day. I love you Kendall. I know you're out there and I want you to know always that I love you immensely and that I'm remorseful for the actions I did and the bad things I did. I'm doing all I can to atone for them. I miss you and hope to talk to you today. Xoxoxo. I love you baby.

10-22-12, my thoughts and feelings.

I woke up and laid in bed for about 10 minutes. For some reason I was on the verge of crying. My dreams weren't good but they were not as horrible as the ones that induced my anxiety attacks. I texted Kendall good morning. I would feel so low if I didn't. Even though she won't really talk to me because she needs space and time to heal I know she sees them in the morning, that makes me feel slightly good in my heart. I'm officially enrolling in the program at home for Christmas break. Four hours a day for 12 days. I'm very intimidated by it. It's going to be hard and I have no idea how the counseling and psychotherapy will go. But since I have the time to do it I might as well. It will be the best thing I've ever spent money on. That should be the final push to break the negative image of me and the self destructive actions and mood swings. I miss Kendall so much. So so much. But I know she needs this time before I come to her anew asking for a fresh start. I want just that. A fresh start to show her I can be the husband and man she sees in me. That I can become a father that I never had. The time is coming. I can sense it. I got through an entire Sunday of football and didn't have a bout of anger. I caught myself before it even happened. Took some deep breaths and used random conversation to alleviate it. I'm feeling good mentally and physically. I'm still disappointed in myself and sad that I hurt the woman I love but I vow to get better. And even after I am ready to fix things with her I'm going to stay in counseling to ensure that it never happens again. That I never have any inconsistencies, mistakes or bad bouts of non control. She deserves for me to work myself to the bone. I love you Kendall Rae. Your love is the sweetest element in this universe.

Today

I woke up feeling even. Had some chest pain but I slowed my breathing and caught myself. While watching football today I put less focus on the game and tried to distract myself from it so that I wouldn't get too high or too low. I caught myself in the middle of a mood swing and got up, walked outside and took a few deep breaths and came back in. That was the first time I have ever felt one coming on. It was a weird sensation. My fingers started to get really hot and I had a turning feeling in my stomach. I feel proud of myself today for being able to identify it and stop it dead in its tracks.
I texted Kendall a good morning text and told her I loved her and missed her. She never replied. I started to have an anxiety attack but talked, opened my mouth and expressed out loud how I was feeling and why I was feeling that. I'm noticing that the more I vocalize how I'm feeling and the more I let people know the easier it is for me to combat it. I miss her so much. I miss every little thing about her. I'm so sorry that I hurt her, ever. I want to fix it but that will take time. But I know I can because I know how much she truly does love me. I know how much I love her. There's no doubting the feelings. It's the actions that must continue to change for the better like they have been for the past four months. I've had my bad moments but I'm continuously getting better. I'm learning more about myself and how I can gain control. I don't have to let BPD and my anxiety and fears dominate me. They don't have to be detriments like they were before I began counseling. I have to keep my eyes on the prize: gaining control of my life and regaining the trust of the woman I love that I will one day marry and have the most beautiful mixed great hair having children with. I feel this in my soul that I can fix it. I wouldn't say it otherwise if I didn't. I love her and I am working on me to make it possible for me to fix us. I'm sorry and I love you.

When I fell asleep last night

When I fell asleep, she was strong in my heart and in my mind. Kendall you are the sweetest dream, the most beautiful reality. There's 3 billion women on the planet and you are the only one I give my heart to. I've made plenty mistakes. Time and time again I messed up. It wasn't for account of me not loving you or wanting to spend the rest of my life without you. I had serious issues and problems that I was unaware of. I had problems controlling my emotions, anger, and moods. I had an issue with getting angry and being hurtful out of my fear of abandonment. You weren't leaving, I wasn't sure of that. I am paranoid an I didn't know how to cope with that or reign that in. I'm still ashamed of myself, I'm still upset with myself but the one thing I cannot do is hate myself, in turn giving up on myself. I want to love myself as much as I love you. And I love you a whole whole whole lot. I love everything about you. I'm so sorry hurt you. I'm sorry I've made you question and doubt. I say I know I can fix this, I know I can make this better and we can be better because I believe it. I see it in every day. I feel it in every breath. You need to heal, that's fine, I understand that. I've hurt you deeply. You deserve a better me, a better love and I will give that to you. My program over Xmas break is going to help me immensely. This week will be harder than last week but more progress will come from it. I can't wait until you hog my blanket again. Till you snore and sprawl out. I can't wait until I can dream of waking up and kissing you and telling you I love you, then actually getting to wake up and do it again. Staying strong is me keeping faith in us. Me keeping faith in love. I dream of you every night. I hold you, serenade you and kiss you in my dreams. I wake up and you aren't there and the worst pain hits me. The pain of my mistakes. I know you love me, I know you aren't going to sit around and wait forever. But you won't have to. I'm in my way to becoming regular and gaining control of my actions and behaviors. I love you Kendall Rae. I hope you still love me too. I miss you babe. So much. So so much.

Thankful she is safe

I drifted off and fell asleep only to have a horrible dream that Kendall was seriously hurt and that it was real. It felt so concrete, so much like reality. I had this sharp pain in my chest. I had to make sure she was okay. So I called. I've never been so happy to hear her pick up. That was one of the worst anxiety attacks I've ever had. I woke up with it. There was nothing I could do to curb it except call. I'm glad I did. Now that I know she's okay I'm able to clear my mind once again. I love you Kendall. I'm so thankful my dream was far from real.

I could use somebody

As I sit here in a pool of my tears and emotion I can't stop thinking about you. I'm ashamed of my actions. I'm disappointed in myself. I can't believe I let you down like that Kendall. I let down her whole family. I've given them zero reason to root for me or believe in my ability to fix things and love her right. I've given Kendall little reason to believe that I'm capable of fixing this. Why did I do those stupid things? Why was I so afraid she'd leave? Why do I feel breathless when she's not here. I love her so much. More than I can put into words. More than material possessions can ever show. She means everything to me. I hurt her severely. I pushed her away because of the stupidity of my past. I've made her wonder and question me as a person. But those actions are not who I am or the man I want to be. I want to give her the world. But first I must fix myself. I must gain control over me and my moods emotions and actions. I have to learn to love myself again. If I don't love myself he can I expect her to? I'm going to fix this. I'm going to show and prove to her that I can earn her trust and earn her back. She is worth it. She means too much for me to not give it my all. I wish you were here by my side, in my arms. I wish I could kiss your lips, feel your heat. Hear your angelic voice. I miss you baby and I'm so sorry I behaved in those ways. Disorder or not you deserve better and I vow to give you better. I love you.

What haunts me

Every night as I sleep I face the same recurring, violent paranoia. I wake up Ina sweat, my heart pounding out of my chest. Nearly every night I ha e dreams of death and losing those close to me. I dream of dying and never being able to live up to the man I see inside. I fear death, I fear injury and I deeply fear the way in which I will die. I've never really told anyone about this but in my exercise of self-disclosure and expanding the breadth and depth of me I am finally disclosing this. My fear of death causes me to be paranoid and anxious about things. It is what created my fear of flying, my fear of water and drowning. It's why I can't speed on the highway and Kendall gets frustrated with my driving. I'm afraid of something happening therefore I clam up and become overly cautious and anxious. I'm learning to breathe and relax my mind, not jut my body when it comes to my fears and anxiety and BPD. Fear, anger, depression, extreme mood fluctuation, lack of self awareness and a failure to grasp the gravity of my behaviors and actions is what my disorder is. Borderline is a key word. I teeter on the edge of pure happiness and absolute devastation. I have to release my fear in order to get better and heal myself from my past and my childhood.

August 15th

Today, August 15th, 2012 is where my past dies. I've allowed my past actions and mistakes to ruin something that was absolutely beautiful, someone that means more than the world to me. Kendall Rae Vickers is the woman I love and I've hurt her. I'm disgusted in myself for doing this. But I am letting go of any and all things that hold me back from improving and bettering myself as a man. All of the bad things that happened to me before her mean less due to me being loved by her. Her love is therapeutic and has changed me so much since last October. I have many more changes to make before I can embrace her and truly call her mine again. I take the blame for the current situation, all of it. I regret my actions. But in no way will I give up my path, or jeopardize this ever again. I had a setback last night, a moment of stupidity in which I acted like an asshole. She is my angel, my everything, but right now I'm nothing. Without her life doesn't feel as good, nothing matters as much as it did.

On this day I vow to leave my past pain for dead, to never let her feel pain or heartbreak due to my actions, I can't and won't let this ever happen again. I vow to make her feel wanted, to make loving me easier than it is. To gift wrap the globe and give it to her. I solemnly swear to accomplish these things. She deserves it all. She's stuck with me through so much, I want to give her my knee, my heart, my last name. I want to spend the rest of my days with her, by her side loving her powerfully through every second. My holding onto pain from earlier in my life has destroyed my present and possibly my future. I release it now and forever. It is finished, I am finished.

A letter to my Juliet

With everyday that goes by my heart yearns for you more and more. I did terrible unworthy things and I regret them everyday. My anxiety exercise went well this morning. I'm really dedicated to getting better. As for last night I made a decision to drink. It was a bad decision. I ended up passing out and I don't even remember the messages that I sent you. I, in all honesty am scared to read what they say. I missed the opportunity to talk to you and even now, at 845 am I'm beating myself up about it. Me trying to "let loose" last night backfired and I angered you more because I was not there. I prayed this morning and am now looking to hold faith in gods plan for you and for me. There is more here than love and attraction, I feel the divine touch he has placed on us. I'm on the road to becoming a stable, accountable man and I can't wait until I reach that destination because I am going to show you and prove to you that it is meant to work. That the hell I will go through to earn the respect of your family is not in vain. It is worth it to the umpteenth power. I love you and miss you and can't wait to talk to you.

What I wish I had done

I sit here drunk out of my mind, I've had 10 shots and I drank so I could escape from my hell, my reality. No one truly knows how low I feel. I've never wanted to fix something more. I've never wanted to prove that she and I can work more. It will take time, I know that. But I know it will come. And when that day comes I will be ready to act. I will be ready to make amends for the disrespect I've shown toward her family, toward her, toward our relationship. She means the world to me and I hurt her severely. I don't deserve her love. Her love is so pure, so validating. Her love is salvation, it is the cure for the ills of human kind. She is my Helen of Troy. She makes the world make sense. When I'm with her I feel whole, I feel important. She is so kind, sweet, loving. Her voice is my compass, she is angelic in every sense of the word. Kendall is everything and more. I know you're angry baby. I know you're hurting. I wish I never was broken, I never was a fragment of a man. But I vow to fix this, to make us better because I know your love makes everything worth it. You make all the struggles in life worthwhile. I love you, I love you to the end of time all the way to the end of the galaxy and beyond. I love you like I love water, like I love football, like I love your love, ten fold. I want to marry you one day, give you the world and have a family with you. No other but you. I know that seems like a long shot, but believe in me babe. It will happen and I will work and give every ounce of me to you and for you. I love and miss you. Forever and always.

What my reflection has told me

I've thought quite a bit on this, this is my second exercise.
I am coming to grips with the things I have done. I carried on unfaithful conversations, although I was not truly in control of my emotions and my moods that does not alter my mistakes. I hurt you in a devastating way. I led you to question what you did wrong, what you didn't do in our relationship. The answer to that is nothing. You gave all of you and in my fears and mental confusion and anxiety I acted in ways I shouldn't have. Those girls I spoke to in that unacceptable, inappropriate, unfaithful way were not me sexually or emotionally wanting someone or something new. They were me crying out, for what I don't know. Ive spent since tuesday afternoon truly digging deep into myself for answers as to why. I used them as a crutch to help me get over my feelings of abandonment in my past, my feelings that you didn't think I was good enough. My feelings that you were going to leave me like many of the people that got close to me or had a major role in my life did at one point or another. I hurt you, I pissed you off and I devalued what we have. For that I am truly genuinely sorry. I don't know why I couldn't come to you and tell you about the things I was afraid of. The image of a man I leaned on growing up was one that was tough, never admitted he was scared and always kept a hard exterior. On the inside of me I was the opposite. I lived everyday scared that you would leave me or not love me anymore that in my compulsory paranoia I acted abnormally to mine and your standards. My emotions have flip flopped from day to day, month to month. Now I can't keep my emotions in because I no longer know how to. My actions of recent are me making an attempt to fix myself, but I now know the depth of what is truly happening within me. I needed much more help and guidance than I was aware of. I can't forgive myself just yet for my behaviors. Those actions are unacceptable and below that of which you deserve. I vow to give you the treatment you deserve as the woman I want to be with, it will never again fall below that expectation because of the help I am getting now to show me the ways in which I regulate my emotions and gain control and understanding of myself and my condition.

A confession from a defective, dying man, seeking redemption for his past mistakes.

I used to know what life meant, or at least I thought I did. I always felt as if I didn't belong, as if I wasn't meant to be here, in this place, with this life, on this earth. From the time I was a little child I felt different. Not in the generic sense but in a literal sense. I saw things different, I acted different, and I was never able to quite get it, to be a typical kid. On the surface I was smart, eager to learn and very full of life. On the inside, I was the exact opposite. I was confused, filled with wonder and uncertainty. I was quiet and reserved; I hated the thought of being in big groups, but in school that's all it ever was. I was an angry, frustrated child. Often times I hated myself when I'd look in the mirror. I never truly took great care of myself. I wouldn't even describe the way I treated myself as even remotely decent. I put myself down more than others ever did. I was harder on myself than anyone ever was. I blamed myself for my dad never wanting to be a part of my life. I blamed myself for why I didn't have a normal family around me. I became the scapegoat in my own mind for why my mom was so mean to me and treated me harder and from my perspective worse than my other siblings. I felt little self-worth. I acted out in school by talking excessively, by being boisterous and mean to people because I hated myself. To this day I struggle with self-image; I struggle with being softer toward people who love me. For some reason I have messed up the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can't explain why I am this way; I don't know what lead me to those actions. Those behaviors are a further representation of me needing help. From how I see it I didn't know it then but that was a cry for help. I had a woman that loved me so powerfully I was afraid to break that shell so early that she would see the defective broken me, that the flawed me would scare her away. I was afraid of losing her and in me acting in those unexplainable ways I have done just that. I never was truly into social media until my mood swings and depression and antisocial behavior took grasp of me. Before college I hadn't ever truly been depressed and alone. I was both there. I turned to Facebook as a way to escape my past, escaping my present. As a way to cope with the life I never had. To make myself feel better, I would sit there in the dark alone on nights refreshing the home page. I had no one to talk to because I was too shy, nothing to post myself because I had nothing fun, cool or noteworthy going on in my life. Years ago that was my crutch. That was my way of making myself seem like I fit in. I never truly did. I had no one to hang out with; I had no one that wanted to find out about me in those moments. I was a scared boy thousands of miles from home and I had no friends. I was lonely and my depression really picked up. Then my sophomore year I became depressed and suicidal. Not even Facebook was helping me. I couldn't tell my family, the people I knew, that I was depressed beyond all normal boundaries. I stopped going to class, I tried to shake things up a bit and got a tattoo, I couldn't even sleep only bed. I went whole weeks without sleeping, I had no appetite for months, and I didn't even shower. I cried all day, watched movies that pushed me further into my depression and fell farther and farther toward the inevitable, suicide. On March 24th 2011, I had hit absolute zero.
All throughout the mid spring of 2011 I had created a twitter to express how I was feeling while not showing my face. I created a surname, a twitter handle that no one would trace to me and I tweeted my depression for the world to see even though no one was following me. Twitter became my best friend. It became my outlet to the world. It soon turned into a nuisance, something I became addicted to. Something I never meant to become what it became. Social media at this point in my life has hindered my happiness and the happiness of those around me far more than it helped. She deserved better behavior. She deserves accountability and better effort. I'm trying to be hopeful. But my daily anxiety attacks and vomiting episodes make it hard for me to focus on fixing this all. I know I must get help because if I don't not only will I not ever have the opportunity of earning her love and trust back, but I will undoubtedly slip back into the state that I was in in late 2010 and early 2011.
 It's impossible for me to convey into words just how meaningless and worthless I feel. I haven't felt like "me" in a long time, possibly my entire life. I struggle with confidence; I have mood swings that resemble ocean swells. On this day, this year, 2012, I resign myself from my old life, from my old twitter. From Facebook and all things that were the "me" I never knew. I don't trust myself nor do I believe in myself currently. And I desperately need help. I feel that I'm drowning in a sea of my own insecurity and lack of self-worth. I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt, I'm sorry to all of the people in my past that I took for granted, that I was mean and unfair to. That's not the behaviors that I want to exude. Those aren't the actions of a proud man. Those are the actions of a scared little boy who never really knew what it was like to be loved and validated. To all of you, whether I can consciously admit it or not, I need help. Badly, I need to find me in this pile of nothingness. I need to; not only for me, but for the woman I love, for the family I don't yet have. For the people who's lives I haven't yet encountered. I am sorry here, then and forever.