Monster in the Mirror

I'm going to write a book ... I feel that turning all of the writings I've compiled over the course of this excruciating lesson learned and breaking experience can be helpful not only to me but to others. This book can be my life's work, my Old and New Testament. I need to pour everything I have into being truthful, into giving my soul what it needs, closure and calm. I hope she will be proud of me ... I hope she will see.

My Prayer, My Wish

I wish that I had been in this mental space long ago. I wish I sill had the benefit of the doubt in her eyes. I wish that I would've been enough for myself to stop my reckless patterns. I wish I would've let her in, let her be enough for me rather than keeping her at bay. 

I wish she wouldn't obsess so much over 3 years ago. I wish she wasn't still so hurt by it. I wish I could remember everything vividly and didn't push those memories out of my mind. I try to tell her everything I remember but I didn't wanna remember those shitty decisions. I've shoved them out of my mind, my heart. And now, being asked about them, I try my best to remember but she doesn't feel I'm giving everything I have. But I can't remember everything about them because I didn't want to. They don't cross my mind. Ever. 

I wish she would tell me she wants to move forward. That she could see what these 30 days have done to my spirit, what they've brought into and out of my soul. 

I wish she would love me again, love me the way I dream about her loving me. I wish I wasn't such a fuck up she still wanted to tell me she loved me. I wish she would still want to see me. I wish so deeply that I wasn't the fragmented person I became because she's deserved more than I've given. 

She deserves more than the cheating, she deserves more than the constant lying, dishonesty and beating around the bush. July 2017 is forever burned into my eyes, my soul. I can never forget this heartbreak on both sides because this is what I've caused. This is what fuck ups like me cause. This is what I can't ever cause or plague her heart with again. She's the love of my life, the flower of my existence and I can't let her down anymore 

I wish so many things, I pray for them every night. I wish for you to want me back in your life. I wish for healing for us both, most importantly you. I wish that I'll get that call or text that you miss me and want me home. I wish you could see what my insides look like, what they feel like. I wish ... for you. You're my wish. You're my North Star, my Helen of Troy. You're my life, my beautiful, stunning, deserving, loyal, amazing life ... and I crave the day where our lips meet again. I crave the day you ask to see my heart, for all that's in it both black and light. I crave the day you want me to hold you again, to be your man again. I crave the day. I wish for it, I pray for it.