Early Morning Demons

I'm sitting here speaking from a place of hurt. A place of sheer loneliness the likes many can't fathom. 

I sit there, lay there, see there ... Yet I am as far from there as physically allowable. I feel so pushed away by her. She's supposed to be my great one, my everything but I feel that nothing is coming from her end. 

I feel like I disgust her idea of me. In some way, I corrupt and pollute it. I used to be the person that she couldn't wait to connect with physically, now it seems that physical, emotional, spiritual connection with her is so far gone it's a fantasy at this point. 

I've begun to close myself off because I know what comes next, I've lived this movie before. I know the darkness, pain and unmitigated despair this brings. I am a living reminder of the depression and degradation of who and what I was supposed to be. 

How does one sit there and see the person they can't help but want to touch, hold and feel every second of every day, brush them off so easily, with such prejudice and cavalier interest?

How do you see the one person you've ever been able to love through your scars and pain, not even be able to look at you the way they used to? 

How can someone ever feel valuable or wanted ever again after that? After seeing yourself fade into nothingness in the imagery of your other half? 

It brings me to tears on a nightly basis. It has created this chasm between the person I've been working incomparably to be, and the worthlessness I have always felt and endured inside. I hate myself for what I was to her; but now ... I simply, wholly, hate myself for what I am in her eyes. 

Hoodwinked

I sit here in the wake of the latest plot twist and can only wonder how much was orchestrated with me in the dark. How many things were under false, self serving pretenses. 

The immense pressure I was put under to make the decision and commit to the sacrifice that inherently I would be the only one making was constant. I met an immovable coalition that made me feel things would be one singular way. But as they say "plans change". Which leaves me feeling like the only one thinking the plan never changed, it simply revealed itself to me and I feel completely deceived and lied to. The people that are benefitting the most from everything that has taken place are not me. 

They have their cake and eat it too. While I am the one who made a tremendous sacrifice to make sure everyone else was happy and content, and it burned me and leaves me feeling like a pawn. 

My way of seeing this situation and the world have been stark in comparison. I spent so much of my life locked away from the world emotionally that I was willing to trust and believe in the words of someone else and right here, now, in this moment I feel like an idiot. I feel like everything could have happened just the same where I was. 

I'm giving so much more of myself than anyone else around me and I only see what I love and want slipping away. I find myself being pulled into something that I want my own of. I see now, the karmic nature of it all. I made so many mistakes and fucked up in life and with her that it's only fitting I feels this way about the last 2 weeks of my life. 

I don't have regret, simply a wish that my sacrifice wouldn't have been made under what feels like utterly false pretenses. 

I wish that there wasn't always a middle man on the train of communication, that I didn't always feel like the last person to be in the light. 

I love them both so much that I would give the world to make them happy. But for some reason I feel my happiness becoming a lesser priority. I feel expendable to the utmost. Like I am here for the aesthetic rather than the necessity. U