I want to text her so bad but I'm afraid that she won't reply, or that it'll be a negative response. Idk but I'm so hesitant now. I don't want to take any steps away from what I'm trying to earn, only steps toward it.
I just wanna come back home babe. I miss you. I know I messed up, I did wrong and made mistakes but I want to start over. I want you, everyday, every night. I love you through this all and I can't wait to show you the progress and the surprises I have in store.
I can't wait to see you baby!
Friday, November 30, 2012
Realizations
There is such thing as being too strong, trying to be too together, being too serious. I was so caught up in appearing to have it all together when I didn't that I lost sight if what I wanted and what's important in life. I need to continue to let loose, relax and experience life, not just go through the motions.
It's time I show a side of me that didn't ever see from behind the mask.
I'm becoming a renaissance man right before my very own eyes.
It's time I show a side of me that didn't ever see from behind the mask.
I'm becoming a renaissance man right before my very own eyes.
Opening the Box
I going to tell you a story, one that no one has ever heard. One thy only three people in the entire world know.
When I was little, the world was expected of me from very early in my life. I was told that I had to be certain things, act in certain ways and if I fell short I would be disciplined.
The expectations for me were perfection, they were, in hindsight unattainable. Nonetheless, I pushed myself to e everything that was expected of me. I didn't have a mentor, I didn't have a concrete support system. My mom grew up in one of the worst environments in the world and how she was raised affected her in so many ways. Those effects were passed on to me more than any of my other siblings.
Now let me clear this up, I love my mom to death. As a single mother, she did everything she could to protect us from certain things. She didn't want us to see how hard life had been on her. She didn't ever want us to understand the gravity of her experiences until we were older. She had the best intentions for us, she wanted us to be better than the environment she came out of. But in many ways I, more than my siblings, began to understand and experience it as a young child. She didn't know how it impacted me, she didn't know how I felt. I couldn't ever bring myself to tell her. I just didn't want to let her down, I didn't want to burden her, I didn't want to bother her
I always was sad, angry and felt like I wasn't good enough because I didn't meet the expectations she had for me. She was so hard on me and I always resented her for it. Through that I grew to resent her and the world around me. I became an addict to unhappiness, pain and anger.
There were so many instances where I was punished even though I tried my hardest and did my best. When I was in kindergarten we had a writing assignment, to write each letter of the alphabet in upper and lowercase. I was to do the homework in front of her in the garage. I wrote those letters as well as I could, but they weren't good enough for her. Instead of helping me she told my sister to go get the belt. With every failed attempt I get spanked. This went on for a few hours. I didn't get my letters correct that night and each time the hits got harder, writing became more difficult and I cried and cried and the punishment was more spankings. I haven't ever told anyone this story. I was ashamed that it happened. I felt it was my fault that I couldn't just write the letters how she wanted. I was six. I didn't do anything wrong, I never wanted to let her down, or make anyone upset with me.
I grew up thinking many things that happened to me were normal, or that I deserved them when I didn't.
I was just a kid.
I don't know why she was so mean, so much harder on me than everyone else.
I held it all in, I refused to let anyone ever see the pain on the inside. Instead of opening up I clammed up and acted out in anger, instability and ways I saw.
For many of you who know me well you know I'm a great imitator, I can emulate things I see on tv, things I hear and encounter.
That's because my entire life growing up I had to be and become what I wasn't. I had to mask myself from perceived judgement, from what I thought would be embarrassment.
I always thought I wasn't good enough for love, I rarely heard that phrase growing up. Only recently have I began to see love as the basis of life.
I did so many things that I'm ashamed of.
I'm not asking you for pity or sympathy.
I ask for your forgiveness. For I knew not what I was doing, how I was acting or how I was affecting people and ruining my own happiness.
I wish this story wasn't true, I wish It didn't happen.
I wasn't meant to be the person I was, for the monster to take over and drown out my need for help, for understanding and for love.
I'm sorry to all of the people I hurt in my life. I can only ask that to see me for the man I am now. And can find it in your hearts to forgive me for my past transgressions and give me another chance to earn your respect, time, love and care.
I'm a boy who was pushed to grow up too fast and didn't get the lessons that childhood provided. I missed crucial developmental blocks and if I could fix what I did I would. But I can't, all I can do is make sure I don't ever return to that mentality, set of behaviors and emotional instability.
It's not anyone's fault. It just happened. As much as I wish everyday this and all the other things that happened didn't I can't change what did happen, I can only change what can and will. I can work to finish fixing myself and not let those demons back into my heart, my mind or ruin my life another second.
I'm open, I'm vulnerable and I'm sorry.
When I was little, the world was expected of me from very early in my life. I was told that I had to be certain things, act in certain ways and if I fell short I would be disciplined.
The expectations for me were perfection, they were, in hindsight unattainable. Nonetheless, I pushed myself to e everything that was expected of me. I didn't have a mentor, I didn't have a concrete support system. My mom grew up in one of the worst environments in the world and how she was raised affected her in so many ways. Those effects were passed on to me more than any of my other siblings.
Now let me clear this up, I love my mom to death. As a single mother, she did everything she could to protect us from certain things. She didn't want us to see how hard life had been on her. She didn't ever want us to understand the gravity of her experiences until we were older. She had the best intentions for us, she wanted us to be better than the environment she came out of. But in many ways I, more than my siblings, began to understand and experience it as a young child. She didn't know how it impacted me, she didn't know how I felt. I couldn't ever bring myself to tell her. I just didn't want to let her down, I didn't want to burden her, I didn't want to bother her
I always was sad, angry and felt like I wasn't good enough because I didn't meet the expectations she had for me. She was so hard on me and I always resented her for it. Through that I grew to resent her and the world around me. I became an addict to unhappiness, pain and anger.
There were so many instances where I was punished even though I tried my hardest and did my best. When I was in kindergarten we had a writing assignment, to write each letter of the alphabet in upper and lowercase. I was to do the homework in front of her in the garage. I wrote those letters as well as I could, but they weren't good enough for her. Instead of helping me she told my sister to go get the belt. With every failed attempt I get spanked. This went on for a few hours. I didn't get my letters correct that night and each time the hits got harder, writing became more difficult and I cried and cried and the punishment was more spankings. I haven't ever told anyone this story. I was ashamed that it happened. I felt it was my fault that I couldn't just write the letters how she wanted. I was six. I didn't do anything wrong, I never wanted to let her down, or make anyone upset with me.
I grew up thinking many things that happened to me were normal, or that I deserved them when I didn't.
I was just a kid.
I don't know why she was so mean, so much harder on me than everyone else.
I held it all in, I refused to let anyone ever see the pain on the inside. Instead of opening up I clammed up and acted out in anger, instability and ways I saw.
For many of you who know me well you know I'm a great imitator, I can emulate things I see on tv, things I hear and encounter.
That's because my entire life growing up I had to be and become what I wasn't. I had to mask myself from perceived judgement, from what I thought would be embarrassment.
I always thought I wasn't good enough for love, I rarely heard that phrase growing up. Only recently have I began to see love as the basis of life.
I did so many things that I'm ashamed of.
I'm not asking you for pity or sympathy.
I ask for your forgiveness. For I knew not what I was doing, how I was acting or how I was affecting people and ruining my own happiness.
I wish this story wasn't true, I wish It didn't happen.
I wasn't meant to be the person I was, for the monster to take over and drown out my need for help, for understanding and for love.
I'm sorry to all of the people I hurt in my life. I can only ask that to see me for the man I am now. And can find it in your hearts to forgive me for my past transgressions and give me another chance to earn your respect, time, love and care.
I'm a boy who was pushed to grow up too fast and didn't get the lessons that childhood provided. I missed crucial developmental blocks and if I could fix what I did I would. But I can't, all I can do is make sure I don't ever return to that mentality, set of behaviors and emotional instability.
It's not anyone's fault. It just happened. As much as I wish everyday this and all the other things that happened didn't I can't change what did happen, I can only change what can and will. I can work to finish fixing myself and not let those demons back into my heart, my mind or ruin my life another second.
I'm open, I'm vulnerable and I'm sorry.
Weight
I wake up every morning with a heavy heart. My dreams, they're so beautiful and I wake up to this. I wake up to myself clutching a pillow wishing it was you.
I miss hearing your voice, I miss hearing I love you. It's been so long since I've heard that at all. I miss being held, being told everything is going to be okay. I miss being cared about. I miss hearing about your day, your classes and what your making for lunch. I miss you wanting to talk to me.
I promise I'm not a bad guy, I'm not the mistakes I've made. I'm worthy of a true conversation again.
I cry every morning and every night missing you, hoping that there will be a knock on my door and it'll be you standing on the other side. I miss how safe I felt in your arms, how safe I felt with you in mine. I miss your lips, your skin.
I push myself so hard to fight the urge to give up daily. My motivation, my desire, my dream is what pushes me forward daily. I can't give up and go back.
I know I have just a little left to go, I just wish you'd talk to me, let me in and let me hear your voice. I know you're angry at me and you're hurt and I caused that. I'm so sorry babe. I didn't ever mean to drive you away or act in those ways.
We can make it through this and not have to look back or return to those actions, behaviors, arguments and frustrations. I know you may not think change can come but it has. I haven't felt more real, more like me in my life. Give me a chance, let me show you and everyone else that I'm a man, not a hollow shell. That I'm able to explain my actions where I couldn't before. That I can communicate like I want to without the past creeping out of the corner and ruining life. Just one more chance bug. My words are the caption to what I can illustrate for you through actions and time.
Don't give up on me. I can earn it. I'm ready. I'm not what I was. I love you so much. Everyday I thank god for you. You changed the game, you took the crown and you make me a better man than I can ever be.
I love you Kendall Rae.
I miss hearing your voice, I miss hearing I love you. It's been so long since I've heard that at all. I miss being held, being told everything is going to be okay. I miss being cared about. I miss hearing about your day, your classes and what your making for lunch. I miss you wanting to talk to me.
I promise I'm not a bad guy, I'm not the mistakes I've made. I'm worthy of a true conversation again.
I cry every morning and every night missing you, hoping that there will be a knock on my door and it'll be you standing on the other side. I miss how safe I felt in your arms, how safe I felt with you in mine. I miss your lips, your skin.
I push myself so hard to fight the urge to give up daily. My motivation, my desire, my dream is what pushes me forward daily. I can't give up and go back.
I know I have just a little left to go, I just wish you'd talk to me, let me in and let me hear your voice. I know you're angry at me and you're hurt and I caused that. I'm so sorry babe. I didn't ever mean to drive you away or act in those ways.
We can make it through this and not have to look back or return to those actions, behaviors, arguments and frustrations. I know you may not think change can come but it has. I haven't felt more real, more like me in my life. Give me a chance, let me show you and everyone else that I'm a man, not a hollow shell. That I'm able to explain my actions where I couldn't before. That I can communicate like I want to without the past creeping out of the corner and ruining life. Just one more chance bug. My words are the caption to what I can illustrate for you through actions and time.
Don't give up on me. I can earn it. I'm ready. I'm not what I was. I love you so much. Everyday I thank god for you. You changed the game, you took the crown and you make me a better man than I can ever be.
I love you Kendall Rae.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Checking off my list
I need a new winter hat!
As I walk home right now I can't say I've ever been more proud of myself than I am right now. I did it, I learned to swim, tread water and float.
I was nervous and pretty scared to leave the shallow end but I did it. I conquered it. I'm actually a pretty fast swimmer surprisingly.
I'm excited to go back again and swim some more! You'd be proud of me if you were there with me. I wish you were.
Tonight I can look in the mirror and smile like a kid who just got his first money from the tooth fairy. My day turned around when I swam that first half lap. Everything before that was sadness and missing you. But I overcame a huge hurdle in my life. I kinda like this new me thing. I like the feeling I have inside everyday. I love the person I am and am continuing to become.
My entire life there were people who didn't think I'd ever amount to anything, that I wouldn't be anybody.
I am someone
I'm a greater person now than I was when I made all of those mistakes in my life. I now see through a different lens. I know how to not ever regress and go back to that person. This is here to stay. The man I've become and will continue to become is a great man. He has his head on straight and his act together. Heck, he even knows how to swim now. The winds of change have blown the storm clouds away. I can't wait to show this change. I can't wait to let the world see me for the first time. I am excited to feel love once more.
As I walk home right now I can't say I've ever been more proud of myself than I am right now. I did it, I learned to swim, tread water and float.
I was nervous and pretty scared to leave the shallow end but I did it. I conquered it. I'm actually a pretty fast swimmer surprisingly.
I'm excited to go back again and swim some more! You'd be proud of me if you were there with me. I wish you were.
Tonight I can look in the mirror and smile like a kid who just got his first money from the tooth fairy. My day turned around when I swam that first half lap. Everything before that was sadness and missing you. But I overcame a huge hurdle in my life. I kinda like this new me thing. I like the feeling I have inside everyday. I love the person I am and am continuing to become.
My entire life there were people who didn't think I'd ever amount to anything, that I wouldn't be anybody.
I am someone
I'm a greater person now than I was when I made all of those mistakes in my life. I now see through a different lens. I know how to not ever regress and go back to that person. This is here to stay. The man I've become and will continue to become is a great man. He has his head on straight and his act together. Heck, he even knows how to swim now. The winds of change have blown the storm clouds away. I can't wait to show this change. I can't wait to let the world see me for the first time. I am excited to feel love once more.
The Hardest Part
I'm not the person I used to be, I'm not the mistakes I've made.
I had so many demons that I had to deal with and overcome, yet, nothing I do seems to make sense to others. They think I can't change and be the person I need to be, the person I want to be. They think I should give up, pack up and call it quits. I refuse to do that, to give up on this fight this close to the finish. I understand how it may seem impossible and improbable to others, how they may think I am faking this but this is the most true I've ever felt in my life. I feel at peace with things and I am calm, collected and I see the world for what it really is. I see where my true values stand, where my dreams lie and how far I'm willing to go to earn it all back. I lived in a mental state of toxicity and fear. I lived under clouds of anger, pain, hurt and resentment toward myself and things from my past I did my best to suppress and ignore. I thought that if I didn't face them head on that I would be able to live a normal, stable, happy life.
Boy was I wrong.
All that happened is that I met someone who changed the game for me, I became someone who thought that I wouldn't ever find that type of love, that want to be open and let someone all the way in. She pushed me, saw the type of person I could be and the potential I could reach. She saw the passion I had for things and it made her want to be in my life, it led her to love me for me. Then as she got closer and closer to me and I became to love everything about her the lid began to come off of the box of my pain. I had suppressed it for decades and didn't think anyone would ever come around to make that change. She was the key. Instead of being able to tell her how I felt my entire life and how much baggage I carried with me and all the ways that my anger, insecurities, fear of life and of embarrassment hindered me, I began to drive her away against my conscious thought. All of the suffering I put myself through came out and created a mess of what was. It destroyed the house that was built, it burned down.
I was the center of the problem. I allowed the monster of negativity, hate and anger that I unknowingly created to come out and push things onto her. She didn't deserve the ways in which things were put on her. I didn't mean to hurt you, or any of the people that I hurt in my life. I was the center of every issue that has arisen in my life. If I had only known how to exercise the demons and open up that lock and let everything out and clear myself of the self-imposed guilt and hell I was in things wouldn't be this hard right now. Day by day I wake up and remember the grave mistakes I made with her, with myself. There were many times where I was so angry at the world, I felt that I was a victim, that people owed me something. Instead of seeing that I wasn't the pain, anger, hurt and insecurity, I persecuted myself because I felt that it was my fault, that I deserved it. I didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve any of it either.
I have finally let all of the baggage free, I've exercised the pain in my soul and escaped from the shackles that held me away from my own heart and the life I want to have along with the people I want in it.
I want to start over, I want another shot to show the content of my soul, the shape of my heart. I know now what living right is and what it feels like. It feels amazing. I literally was saved from the edge of the cliff. What I would've become was something atrocious. The mistakes I made, the way I lived, the boy I was, all of those were wrong, they were skewed, my perspectives, my way of communicating, my internal emotional issues almost ruined me. I thank god every single day that I didn't become what I almost was.
I climbed out of the pit, I defeated the demons, I killed that monster and burned the contents. I left my past in the past. I've forgiven those who I didn't think I could ever forgive. I'm ready to earn my way back into a place of importance. I'm ready to show the person I am isn't the person I ever was. I'm a changed man, more importantly I'm finally a MAN. A man who wants to learn to hunt, shoot a gun, skin an animal, drive off-road, eat beef regularly and learn to play the guitar. I want to buy a boat, a house, a truck, grow old here in Flagstaff, go to Lake Powell and swim without a life jacket. I want to go on dates, get married out in that field by the arboretum, have children, holiday traditions, ugly sweaters and have home videos and photo albums of my life. Months ago I wasn't able to provide that life, that list or the tools to make it possible. But right here, right now, I am standing here before the world ready to proclaim my love, for life, for you, for family and for faith. I'm finally ready to step from behind the castle walls and walk the line back to the life I want and will work everyday to earn and deserve.
I had so many demons that I had to deal with and overcome, yet, nothing I do seems to make sense to others. They think I can't change and be the person I need to be, the person I want to be. They think I should give up, pack up and call it quits. I refuse to do that, to give up on this fight this close to the finish. I understand how it may seem impossible and improbable to others, how they may think I am faking this but this is the most true I've ever felt in my life. I feel at peace with things and I am calm, collected and I see the world for what it really is. I see where my true values stand, where my dreams lie and how far I'm willing to go to earn it all back. I lived in a mental state of toxicity and fear. I lived under clouds of anger, pain, hurt and resentment toward myself and things from my past I did my best to suppress and ignore. I thought that if I didn't face them head on that I would be able to live a normal, stable, happy life.
Boy was I wrong.
All that happened is that I met someone who changed the game for me, I became someone who thought that I wouldn't ever find that type of love, that want to be open and let someone all the way in. She pushed me, saw the type of person I could be and the potential I could reach. She saw the passion I had for things and it made her want to be in my life, it led her to love me for me. Then as she got closer and closer to me and I became to love everything about her the lid began to come off of the box of my pain. I had suppressed it for decades and didn't think anyone would ever come around to make that change. She was the key. Instead of being able to tell her how I felt my entire life and how much baggage I carried with me and all the ways that my anger, insecurities, fear of life and of embarrassment hindered me, I began to drive her away against my conscious thought. All of the suffering I put myself through came out and created a mess of what was. It destroyed the house that was built, it burned down.
I was the center of the problem. I allowed the monster of negativity, hate and anger that I unknowingly created to come out and push things onto her. She didn't deserve the ways in which things were put on her. I didn't mean to hurt you, or any of the people that I hurt in my life. I was the center of every issue that has arisen in my life. If I had only known how to exercise the demons and open up that lock and let everything out and clear myself of the self-imposed guilt and hell I was in things wouldn't be this hard right now. Day by day I wake up and remember the grave mistakes I made with her, with myself. There were many times where I was so angry at the world, I felt that I was a victim, that people owed me something. Instead of seeing that I wasn't the pain, anger, hurt and insecurity, I persecuted myself because I felt that it was my fault, that I deserved it. I didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve any of it either.
I have finally let all of the baggage free, I've exercised the pain in my soul and escaped from the shackles that held me away from my own heart and the life I want to have along with the people I want in it.
I want to start over, I want another shot to show the content of my soul, the shape of my heart. I know now what living right is and what it feels like. It feels amazing. I literally was saved from the edge of the cliff. What I would've become was something atrocious. The mistakes I made, the way I lived, the boy I was, all of those were wrong, they were skewed, my perspectives, my way of communicating, my internal emotional issues almost ruined me. I thank god every single day that I didn't become what I almost was.
I climbed out of the pit, I defeated the demons, I killed that monster and burned the contents. I left my past in the past. I've forgiven those who I didn't think I could ever forgive. I'm ready to earn my way back into a place of importance. I'm ready to show the person I am isn't the person I ever was. I'm a changed man, more importantly I'm finally a MAN. A man who wants to learn to hunt, shoot a gun, skin an animal, drive off-road, eat beef regularly and learn to play the guitar. I want to buy a boat, a house, a truck, grow old here in Flagstaff, go to Lake Powell and swim without a life jacket. I want to go on dates, get married out in that field by the arboretum, have children, holiday traditions, ugly sweaters and have home videos and photo albums of my life. Months ago I wasn't able to provide that life, that list or the tools to make it possible. But right here, right now, I am standing here before the world ready to proclaim my love, for life, for you, for family and for faith. I'm finally ready to step from behind the castle walls and walk the line back to the life I want and will work everyday to earn and deserve.
The Man after the Monster
I'm no longer the monster in the corner, I'm the man in the room. I've found a way to open the door and leave it open without fear of the monster coming out. The monster is defeated. The key to overcoming that was to release the anger, pain, the hurt and the fear I lived with for all of those years. Instead of driving myself through anger and hatred, I drive myself to be better through love, through life.
So much has changed, so much has shifted. It hasn't come without opposition or doubt but I did it and I'm proud of myself for it. My ideologies have shifted, my perspectives have sharpened and my soul is calm, the battle is over and I made it out. I came back.
I can't even listen to certain rap songs anymore because they're too crass, too angry. It's just too much for me now. Cussing, carrying on like a primitive ape, it's all just too much. I'm at peace within my mind, my soul. I don't carry a of the daemons that plagued me and drove the people I love most away. I'm seeing now that I must stay this course because anything less than fighting for myself is paramount to accepting that I cannot change even though the man in the mirror is different from the thing I refused to look at for so long. I'm still remorseful and I'm so sorry for the way I was before. But that doesn't define me, that isn't who I am and not who I will ever be again. I'm better than I ever was.
I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. That monster is buried.
I'm better than I ever was. And I'm proud to be able to finally say that. It took longer than I would've wanted. It took longer than many would've wanted but I'm here. I'm ready for the fight and I'm preparing for a new beginning because its going to be grand. It's going to be the most beautiful thing you ever did see. Love is the mortar, life is the canvas. Lets create something rare.
So much has changed, so much has shifted. It hasn't come without opposition or doubt but I did it and I'm proud of myself for it. My ideologies have shifted, my perspectives have sharpened and my soul is calm, the battle is over and I made it out. I came back.
I can't even listen to certain rap songs anymore because they're too crass, too angry. It's just too much for me now. Cussing, carrying on like a primitive ape, it's all just too much. I'm at peace within my mind, my soul. I don't carry a of the daemons that plagued me and drove the people I love most away. I'm seeing now that I must stay this course because anything less than fighting for myself is paramount to accepting that I cannot change even though the man in the mirror is different from the thing I refused to look at for so long. I'm still remorseful and I'm so sorry for the way I was before. But that doesn't define me, that isn't who I am and not who I will ever be again. I'm better than I ever was.
I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. That monster is buried.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tonight
My heart is heavy for you, your wife and your family tonight Uncle Mike. This is devastating and you were a great man and you didn't deserve this at all. I've shed so many tears, I've asked why and it isn't making sense why you had to go this way. Your fight will not be forgotten nor will the memory of the impact you've had on us all. I'm so sorry for this to have happened to a person like you. To Loren, Sharon, Susan and everyone else in the family I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers tonight. I love you all, you will be missed dearly Mike.
Forever remembered, Loved eternally.
Forever remembered, Loved eternally.
A letter to my Future Children
Dear Children of mine that will one day be here, first off, I love you.
I want you all to know that there won't be a day that passes by that I don't love you, protect you and make sure you have the lives and family that I didn't have. You guys mean the world to me and you aren't even close to being here yet.
You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to grow up too fast an most of all you don't have to be anything you don't want to be. I want you to follow whatever path you choose in life and know that I will support you, love you as be there for you through anything. You won't ever have to worry about things that I did. I vow to make sure you guys don't ever go through the things I went through or feel the way I felt. I won't ever not be there, I won't ever abandon you or give up on you because to deserve that much and more. You can always come to me, talk to me as know that I will always listen.
Also, I will have a better car by the time you get here. There isn't a way in tarnation that I'm ever letting you guys ride in that Durango haha. That is a 0% chance you'll ever be in your car seat in that thing. Also, I can't wait for you all to meet Boogsy. At this point I can't wait to meet her either. I'm sure she will be great to all of us as we will be to her.
I promise you that I won't force you to play sports or like things you don't want to like. But, I will require that you eat your vegetables and clean up your rooms.
You guys will one day see Flagstaff for the treasure I see it as. It's a beautiful place and the people here are just as beautiful, inside and out. I can't wait to take you guys to DisneyWorld on vacations, to Lake Powell, to teach you how to shoot a gun, go swimming and eat red meat.(that will be funny)
I can't wait for the memoirs we make and the challenges we face. The things I will learn from you guys will be priceless. But the things I can teach you will be valuable too. Like the value of working hard for everything you want and cherish in life. There are many things I will tell you when the time is right, but for now let's just put that off until later.
I apologize in advance if your mom dresses you in something really really funny, or you have to wear those horrid hard bottomed shoes(they hurt). Also for the copious amounts of pictures we will all take of you guys, no matter how embarrassing they may be when you grow up.
I love you guys more than I should, but it's only because you are my children. I can't wait to hold you in the delivery room on that glorious day. I can't wait to teach you to walk, to read, to dance like Michael Jackson lol. Most of all I can't wait to meet you.
One day I will let you know about my past, I'll tell you guys about the monster before the man. But by the time I tell you, it will only be a distant memory.
I love you forever and always,
Your Dad,
Raymond
I want you all to know that there won't be a day that passes by that I don't love you, protect you and make sure you have the lives and family that I didn't have. You guys mean the world to me and you aren't even close to being here yet.
You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to grow up too fast an most of all you don't have to be anything you don't want to be. I want you to follow whatever path you choose in life and know that I will support you, love you as be there for you through anything. You won't ever have to worry about things that I did. I vow to make sure you guys don't ever go through the things I went through or feel the way I felt. I won't ever not be there, I won't ever abandon you or give up on you because to deserve that much and more. You can always come to me, talk to me as know that I will always listen.
Also, I will have a better car by the time you get here. There isn't a way in tarnation that I'm ever letting you guys ride in that Durango haha. That is a 0% chance you'll ever be in your car seat in that thing. Also, I can't wait for you all to meet Boogsy. At this point I can't wait to meet her either. I'm sure she will be great to all of us as we will be to her.
I promise you that I won't force you to play sports or like things you don't want to like. But, I will require that you eat your vegetables and clean up your rooms.
You guys will one day see Flagstaff for the treasure I see it as. It's a beautiful place and the people here are just as beautiful, inside and out. I can't wait to take you guys to DisneyWorld on vacations, to Lake Powell, to teach you how to shoot a gun, go swimming and eat red meat.(that will be funny)
I can't wait for the memoirs we make and the challenges we face. The things I will learn from you guys will be priceless. But the things I can teach you will be valuable too. Like the value of working hard for everything you want and cherish in life. There are many things I will tell you when the time is right, but for now let's just put that off until later.
I apologize in advance if your mom dresses you in something really really funny, or you have to wear those horrid hard bottomed shoes(they hurt). Also for the copious amounts of pictures we will all take of you guys, no matter how embarrassing they may be when you grow up.
I love you guys more than I should, but it's only because you are my children. I can't wait to hold you in the delivery room on that glorious day. I can't wait to teach you to walk, to read, to dance like Michael Jackson lol. Most of all I can't wait to meet you.
One day I will let you know about my past, I'll tell you guys about the monster before the man. But by the time I tell you, it will only be a distant memory.
I love you forever and always,
Your Dad,
Raymond
How I feel
Well, tried to be good (I tried)
Wanted nothing but to love somebody
Didn't wanna die young
Steady hustlin tryin to feed my family
Too scared to have kids
And do like daddy did
Cuz I'm so scared of failin
Sometimes it gets hard
Comin from where I'm from
[Chorus]
Comin from where I'm, I'm from
Sometimes you gotta moan
Comin from where I'm from, I'm from
Sometimes you gotta cry a little bit louder
Comin from where I'm from, I'm from
Sometimes you gotta fight the pain
Comin from where I'm from, I'm from
Sometimes you gotta walk alone
Comin from where I'm from, I'm from
Sometimes you get a little worried
Comin from where I'm from, I'm from
Sometimes you get lost outta touch
Comin from where I'm from, I'm from
Sometimes I think I pray a little bit too much
Comin from where I'm from, I'm from
- Anthony Hamilton
Wanted nothing but to love somebody
Didn't wanna die young
Steady hustlin tryin to feed my family
Too scared to have kids
And do like daddy did
Cuz I'm so scared of failin
Sometimes it gets hard
Comin from where I'm from
[Chorus]
Comin from where I'm, I'm from
Sometimes you gotta moan
Comin from where I'm from, I'm from
Sometimes you gotta cry a little bit louder
Comin from where I'm from, I'm from
Sometimes you gotta fight the pain
Comin from where I'm from, I'm from
Sometimes you gotta walk alone
Comin from where I'm from, I'm from
Sometimes you get a little worried
Comin from where I'm from, I'm from
Sometimes you get lost outta touch
Comin from where I'm from, I'm from
Sometimes I think I pray a little bit too much
Comin from where I'm from, I'm from
- Anthony Hamilton
From now on
From now on, I'm going to listen to the entire song before posting it on any site rather than the first chorus. Usher you fooled me this time but not again. I listened to that song just now and it's not what I thought it was! You can't do that Mr. Raymond, not cool.
That wasn't a representation of how I feel past that first chorus. That second verse I do not condone. And I put that song on a CD :/ listen to all others EXCEPT that one, lets just mulligan that one off the disc.
I want this, I want this more than anything. I'm willing to work my tail off for it. You're worth it babe. I can show you things you didn't think I'd ever be able to. I can go out and eat things you wouldn't guess I'd eat or try. I just wanna take you out on the town, show you all the things I've learned about me, about you, about us. I want to actually continue to wear pants to class everyday. It's been weird but I actually like it. I want to revamp my entire wardrobe. I need to start dressing more fittingly and stop looking like a bum. Why would you want to go out on a date with me in Nike shorts and a hoodie? That's not ok. I'm going to fix that.
Baby I miss you, your side of the bed is so cold, your pillow is so lonely. Your baby is lonely. I want you in my arms, all day, all night I want to start over and work to earn your heart back until its right.
I hate sleeping without you, it feels so unnatural. I have so much I want to tell you, so many things I want to discuss but I can't yet. That day is coming and I can see it now. No more envisioning, I can see it.
I'm closer to being the man in the chair more than ever. Yesterday started out well, had a double counseling session and got a lot out and off my chest. There's a lot of difference in the me I was when I got there and the me that was there yesterday. Dr. S noticed, and others are starting to as well.
I'm calm, no longer are anger and pain my steroids. They no longer get me through the day. I can truly say I haven't been angry in weeks. I haven't and it feels so weird to have all of this free space, all of this clear thought and conviction. I'm doing things out of love not out of fear, pain, anxiety or anger. It's profound. Kendall Rae I love you so much baby. Everything that I was, is gone and in the past. It truly has no factor in me now. I'm in control, I'm capable. I love the man I have become. I love it. I love you. Not a second goes by that you aren't on my mind.
"Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight
I know that if we give this a little time
It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right."
That wasn't a representation of how I feel past that first chorus. That second verse I do not condone. And I put that song on a CD :/ listen to all others EXCEPT that one, lets just mulligan that one off the disc.
I want this, I want this more than anything. I'm willing to work my tail off for it. You're worth it babe. I can show you things you didn't think I'd ever be able to. I can go out and eat things you wouldn't guess I'd eat or try. I just wanna take you out on the town, show you all the things I've learned about me, about you, about us. I want to actually continue to wear pants to class everyday. It's been weird but I actually like it. I want to revamp my entire wardrobe. I need to start dressing more fittingly and stop looking like a bum. Why would you want to go out on a date with me in Nike shorts and a hoodie? That's not ok. I'm going to fix that.
Baby I miss you, your side of the bed is so cold, your pillow is so lonely. Your baby is lonely. I want you in my arms, all day, all night I want to start over and work to earn your heart back until its right.
I hate sleeping without you, it feels so unnatural. I have so much I want to tell you, so many things I want to discuss but I can't yet. That day is coming and I can see it now. No more envisioning, I can see it.
I'm closer to being the man in the chair more than ever. Yesterday started out well, had a double counseling session and got a lot out and off my chest. There's a lot of difference in the me I was when I got there and the me that was there yesterday. Dr. S noticed, and others are starting to as well.
I'm calm, no longer are anger and pain my steroids. They no longer get me through the day. I can truly say I haven't been angry in weeks. I haven't and it feels so weird to have all of this free space, all of this clear thought and conviction. I'm doing things out of love not out of fear, pain, anxiety or anger. It's profound. Kendall Rae I love you so much baby. Everything that I was, is gone and in the past. It truly has no factor in me now. I'm in control, I'm capable. I love the man I have become. I love it. I love you. Not a second goes by that you aren't on my mind.
"Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight
I know that if we give this a little time
It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right."
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Heavy Heart for Uncle Mike
Today I heard news that one of the most inspirational people I have ever encountered is losing the battle he has fought so valiantly. Uncle Mike you are one of the true men I have met in my life. In the two times I was privileged to talk with you and meet you I could see the glow of your soul and the faith you had in life, in god and in people. You did not deserve this circumstance. Instead of giving up you fought harder than anyone probably would have. You and your wife are the true definition of fighters, you didn't surrender and even now, with the most recent news you still aren't giving up your fight. You are loved by so many and you have impacted so many lives. One day I hope to be able to say I am anywhere near the man you and your Brother are. He doesn't deserve to go through this at all, no one in your family does. You have touched my life profoundly. You showed me the value of life, that it is too short to live wrong, that no tomorrow is guaranteed. You deserve many many tomorrow's but god may have another plan. You will continue to be in my prayers as will your wife and your whole family. I wish I could be the man that you are because the man that you are is superior, it is rare. I wish I could gotten to know you better because I think that I could learn so much more from you. You are a great man and I hope for nothing more than for you to know how you have affected me and so many others Uncle Mike. There may be a day where you are gone, whether sooner or later, but there will not be a single day that goes by where you or your impact could ever be forgotten. You will always be with us in our hearts and in our minds. You are so deeply loved by so many. I am sorry you have had to go through this all.
Remembered Always, Loved Eternally.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Last Night
I don't know what happened last night. I wish I did. She said that I only care now, that I didn't care then. That I took her for granted.
I did take you for granted at times, but that is NOT all I ever did. I took you for granted at times babe and I'm sorry! I didn't ever want that to happen. I did hurt you and made you angry in so many ways and I didn't want that to happen baby.
Do you think I wanted to hurt you like this? That I wanted this to happen. I know you feel it's a cop out but I wasn't in control of my emotions, I was struggling with self and with releasing the anger, pain and hurt I carried with myself for my entire life. I began to open up to you but I ended up not being able to control what I let out and instead of the love I let out the pain and it projected onto you which I didn't want to happen. I didn't know how to open up to you and show you the storm going on in my heart. I'm so sorry that I couldn't just say it. I was so incapable of letting you see all the things that were slowly destroying me, that I held onto unnecessarily. I punished myself and put myself in a self imposed hell that broke me.
I was broken, I was wrong, I did hurt you an I regret that I did everyday. I'm not a perfect person, not by any stretch of the imagination but my love is. My love is so perfect, it has helped me climb out of hell, it has given me the tools to alleviate the hurt, to release the pain and emotional baggage I carried with myself. You deserve a better man and I am right here. I'm sorry for everything that I did to you. I'm not perfect, no one is. I am not my mistakes, I am not the person I was.
If you still care for me and love me the way I know you do, talk to me, have a conversation, open up your mind and heart to another chance. I'm working to deserve it, I'm making sure I earn this and can forge a forever. Baby it's you, today, tomorrow, 10 years from now, 85 years from now. Don't just give me the chance I'm asking for, make me earn it. Make me work everyday to earn your time and affection. Make me earn every second I spend with you. Trust me you're worth it and I am worth it. See me for the man I am Kendall Rae. Let me take you on a date, a REAL one, not just the typical movie and dinner. I have so many ideas to take you on a date. Let me earn the right to call you mine once more.
I love you, not on the surface, not just through words but in my heart, in my soul. I love you this big, I can't even show it on this page. I miss you baby, I miss your voice, I miss your smile. I know right now you're hurt, you're angry, but see me for the man I am and you will see why I know that we can make it. I see the man I the mirror that you deserve, that I deserve. It can be so beautiful Kendall Rae. Open up your mind, open up your heart. Kendall Rae Vickers may I take you on a date? (I'm paying of course)
May I let you see the man I've become and the man I will be for the rest of my days? Just talk to me, I miss our conversations. Lets go back to the way it was on October 28th, 2011 when we spoke for the first time. Baby I miss you, I love you Raebug. I'm sorry for what I was, what I did. But that me is dead and gone. My mistakes have been eliminated. The will not resurface again. I promise you I'll love you everyday and treat you in every second the way a queen deserves to be treated because you are my queen. I'm so sorry ad I ask that you could forgive me and see me for the man I am now, not the mistakes I've made. I can't wait to talk to you baby. I miss you!
I did take you for granted at times, but that is NOT all I ever did. I took you for granted at times babe and I'm sorry! I didn't ever want that to happen. I did hurt you and made you angry in so many ways and I didn't want that to happen baby.
Do you think I wanted to hurt you like this? That I wanted this to happen. I know you feel it's a cop out but I wasn't in control of my emotions, I was struggling with self and with releasing the anger, pain and hurt I carried with myself for my entire life. I began to open up to you but I ended up not being able to control what I let out and instead of the love I let out the pain and it projected onto you which I didn't want to happen. I didn't know how to open up to you and show you the storm going on in my heart. I'm so sorry that I couldn't just say it. I was so incapable of letting you see all the things that were slowly destroying me, that I held onto unnecessarily. I punished myself and put myself in a self imposed hell that broke me.
I was broken, I was wrong, I did hurt you an I regret that I did everyday. I'm not a perfect person, not by any stretch of the imagination but my love is. My love is so perfect, it has helped me climb out of hell, it has given me the tools to alleviate the hurt, to release the pain and emotional baggage I carried with myself. You deserve a better man and I am right here. I'm sorry for everything that I did to you. I'm not perfect, no one is. I am not my mistakes, I am not the person I was.
If you still care for me and love me the way I know you do, talk to me, have a conversation, open up your mind and heart to another chance. I'm working to deserve it, I'm making sure I earn this and can forge a forever. Baby it's you, today, tomorrow, 10 years from now, 85 years from now. Don't just give me the chance I'm asking for, make me earn it. Make me work everyday to earn your time and affection. Make me earn every second I spend with you. Trust me you're worth it and I am worth it. See me for the man I am Kendall Rae. Let me take you on a date, a REAL one, not just the typical movie and dinner. I have so many ideas to take you on a date. Let me earn the right to call you mine once more.
I love you, not on the surface, not just through words but in my heart, in my soul. I love you this big, I can't even show it on this page. I miss you baby, I miss your voice, I miss your smile. I know right now you're hurt, you're angry, but see me for the man I am and you will see why I know that we can make it. I see the man I the mirror that you deserve, that I deserve. It can be so beautiful Kendall Rae. Open up your mind, open up your heart. Kendall Rae Vickers may I take you on a date? (I'm paying of course)
May I let you see the man I've become and the man I will be for the rest of my days? Just talk to me, I miss our conversations. Lets go back to the way it was on October 28th, 2011 when we spoke for the first time. Baby I miss you, I love you Raebug. I'm sorry for what I was, what I did. But that me is dead and gone. My mistakes have been eliminated. The will not resurface again. I promise you I'll love you everyday and treat you in every second the way a queen deserves to be treated because you are my queen. I'm so sorry ad I ask that you could forgive me and see me for the man I am now, not the mistakes I've made. I can't wait to talk to you baby. I miss you!
Sunday, November 25, 2012
My sister
I wasn't sleeping, I was crying and just a mess. Then I did something last night that I previously wouldn't ever have done. I reached out to my sister.
She and I weren't super close growing up and I was always closed off emotionally to everyone in my family. But I asked her what she thought I should do. What she would do if she was in Kendall's shoes. The response I got literally shook the foundation of everything I previously thought of her and her husband. She told me that:
"All of the above. If you made an effort and actually changed then I would hang out with you to see if you really changed, and if you did we would start out as friends and get to know each other again.
I'll tell you the truth he and I almost didn't make it down the aisle to get married we had a huge blow out fight and I broke up with him and didn't speak to him for weeks almost a month and a half but he called everyday text everyday, gave me my space and always checked on me with my friends. I saw the effort he made and I agreed to see him and when I did I saw and appreciated the effort and you know the rest of the story."
I didn't know any of this before. They always seemed to be so happy and always had their heads on straight. I now see how hard it was for them and it gives me more hope. Behind every successful relationship and marriage is a story of everything falling apart only to have two people who love each other out it back together.
Kendall Rae this is something we can conquer. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes, I've been in bad attitudes, I've seen the world as a victim. I'm no longer there in my life. I'm beyond that point. So take time, do what you have to do but also don't shut me out. Don't close me off. I'm here, I love you more than I love football, more than I love music, more than I love food. "I love you like the song" and I haven't and won't stopping to because I know that you are THE one, THE only. We can make it baby. You've got to tell me what I must do to earn it. Outside of me fixing myself you have to tell me what you need, what you're wanting. What more I can do to make it possible. You're going to be surprised pleasantly at the man I've become.
I know you think that this is something that has only recently begun to happen but I dare you to look through my notepad on my phone. You'll see all of these things I wrote months ago when my process really started. Counseling and dealing with BPD is recently new, but the transformation I've been going through isn't. I have notes and letters from July and August that you haven't read and you really should read them. I'm going to print them all off and let you read them.
I love you to the moon and back. We can make it. It's not going to be what you thought it will end up being. We are perfect for one another. You are the Country to my thunder. We can start anew and let me tell you, it's going to be a fantastic thing we're going to build.
She and I weren't super close growing up and I was always closed off emotionally to everyone in my family. But I asked her what she thought I should do. What she would do if she was in Kendall's shoes. The response I got literally shook the foundation of everything I previously thought of her and her husband. She told me that:
"All of the above. If you made an effort and actually changed then I would hang out with you to see if you really changed, and if you did we would start out as friends and get to know each other again.
I'll tell you the truth he and I almost didn't make it down the aisle to get married we had a huge blow out fight and I broke up with him and didn't speak to him for weeks almost a month and a half but he called everyday text everyday, gave me my space and always checked on me with my friends. I saw the effort he made and I agreed to see him and when I did I saw and appreciated the effort and you know the rest of the story."
I didn't know any of this before. They always seemed to be so happy and always had their heads on straight. I now see how hard it was for them and it gives me more hope. Behind every successful relationship and marriage is a story of everything falling apart only to have two people who love each other out it back together.
Kendall Rae this is something we can conquer. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes, I've been in bad attitudes, I've seen the world as a victim. I'm no longer there in my life. I'm beyond that point. So take time, do what you have to do but also don't shut me out. Don't close me off. I'm here, I love you more than I love football, more than I love music, more than I love food. "I love you like the song" and I haven't and won't stopping to because I know that you are THE one, THE only. We can make it baby. You've got to tell me what I must do to earn it. Outside of me fixing myself you have to tell me what you need, what you're wanting. What more I can do to make it possible. You're going to be surprised pleasantly at the man I've become.
I know you think that this is something that has only recently begun to happen but I dare you to look through my notepad on my phone. You'll see all of these things I wrote months ago when my process really started. Counseling and dealing with BPD is recently new, but the transformation I've been going through isn't. I have notes and letters from July and August that you haven't read and you really should read them. I'm going to print them all off and let you read them.
I love you to the moon and back. We can make it. It's not going to be what you thought it will end up being. We are perfect for one another. You are the Country to my thunder. We can start anew and let me tell you, it's going to be a fantastic thing we're going to build.
The 5 O'clock's are back
It's 5am and once again I find myself up thinking of you, holding your pillow close as if it were you. I'm not able to rest, to close my eyes. I'm too focused, too determined to do everything I can to earn you back. My tweets reflect it. Just tell me what I have to do and I'll do it. I don't care what it is. If it helps me earn you back for good then I will do whatever it is you ask. I love you and I only want you. So tell me baby. Just let me know what you need for me to do to make us a possibility once more. I love you Kendall Rae. I hope you're dreaming of me because I'm thinking of you non stop.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Don't do the Dew
Mountain Dew is NOT for me. I thought it before, but I just drank one and I feel like I ingested engine coolant haha. I may have to throw up. This is one of the new foods I've tried that will not be kept around lol. I'm swearing off Mountain Dew for a long long time. That stuff can't be healthy to put in your body.
On top of that I miss Kendall tons right now. I want her here laying with me rubbing my back and laughing at me for drinking that crap. I love you babe. Come take care of your sick baby lol. That would make my month to see her and hear her voice comforting me.
I'm probably going to go to sleep. I need to dream about her, about the future and about our date. I don't want to be up feeling this cruddy. My stomach feels terrible. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Keep me in your prayers, keep Kendall Rae in your prayers and keep the future we can have in your prayers. I'll be praying for you all and for her and I. Goodnight. I love you Raebug.
On top of that I miss Kendall tons right now. I want her here laying with me rubbing my back and laughing at me for drinking that crap. I love you babe. Come take care of your sick baby lol. That would make my month to see her and hear her voice comforting me.
I'm probably going to go to sleep. I need to dream about her, about the future and about our date. I don't want to be up feeling this cruddy. My stomach feels terrible. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Keep me in your prayers, keep Kendall Rae in your prayers and keep the future we can have in your prayers. I'll be praying for you all and for her and I. Goodnight. I love you Raebug.
Things I love
I love La Fonda
I love listening to Boyce Avenue with you.
I love your hair
I love your smile
I love your music
I love your bed
I love Flagstaff
I love eating ice cream with you
I love watching Grey's with you and learning more about all that's going on with it lol.
I love hearing you laugh, even though I razz you about it.
I love Lake Powell, I am enthralled by the scenery and experience.
I love getting you flowers and ice cream and waiting likes giddy kid in my car for you to come home from work.
I love when we spoon and cuddle in our sleep.
I love when it snowed that bunch and we cleaned the car and went to ihop.
I love sharing a plate of nachos with you.
I love when I see your duck hat, even though you haven't ever worn it.
I love that you weren't absolutely posses at me when I bought you moose poop earrings.
I love the time when we went into the back woods when the road was bumpy and you taught me the cattle gate game, even though I felt sick from all the bumps.
I love going to campout blackout with you, matter of fact I love camping.
I love that you love me.
I love that you can sing even though you rarely do.
I love when you wear scarves and those cute headbands with your glasses.
I loved the time when we took the washer and dryer upstairs by ourselves lol! It was a funny experience.
I love when you wear my shirts.
I love when you make green chili enchiladas.
Of all the things I love doing with you and experiencing with you, there's one thing that I love more than all of that.
I love you.
I love listening to Boyce Avenue with you.
I love your hair
I love your smile
I love your music
I love your bed
I love Flagstaff
I love eating ice cream with you
I love watching Grey's with you and learning more about all that's going on with it lol.
I love hearing you laugh, even though I razz you about it.
I love Lake Powell, I am enthralled by the scenery and experience.
I love getting you flowers and ice cream and waiting likes giddy kid in my car for you to come home from work.
I love when we spoon and cuddle in our sleep.
I love when it snowed that bunch and we cleaned the car and went to ihop.
I love sharing a plate of nachos with you.
I love when I see your duck hat, even though you haven't ever worn it.
I love that you weren't absolutely posses at me when I bought you moose poop earrings.
I love the time when we went into the back woods when the road was bumpy and you taught me the cattle gate game, even though I felt sick from all the bumps.
I love going to campout blackout with you, matter of fact I love camping.
I love that you love me.
I love that you can sing even though you rarely do.
I love when you wear scarves and those cute headbands with your glasses.
I loved the time when we took the washer and dryer upstairs by ourselves lol! It was a funny experience.
I love when you wear my shirts.
I love when you make green chili enchiladas.
Of all the things I love doing with you and experiencing with you, there's one thing that I love more than all of that.
I love you.
My Dream
There are times in life when people may think another has sacrificed a dream or given up on a lifelong quest to appease them. Kendall thinks that I am one of those people. When she met me I had all of these aspirations and goals I knew I could reach. Then everything changed. My dream was no longer in a career, it was no longer a solitary endeavor. My dream shifted from plans to play professional football, live in certain cities to a whole new world. My dream shifted to building a life with you.
I always planned my entire life on the premise of being alone, of being by myself. Whether this was a defense mechanism, me forcing myself to ignore the other side or me just being plain stupid. Whatever it was I had a thought process that was off center in that way. I didn't believe in those movies where they experience true love and fight with everything in their bodies to prove to the other person that they are worth it, that their love can be the foundation to which they can build off of. That they will travel to the ends of the earth to earn the love of their "One and Only." But now I see that this is true. I see that I am an example of one of those people. I have found true love and I don't care how much of a fool I may look like, how stupid others may perceive me as. I'm crazy about Kendall. Every waking moment, every sleeping second. I love her in the most absolute way possible.
No matter what you've done or why it happened it doesn't matter to me. Your past is just that, past. I cannot hold anything against you because I would be a hypocrite. I have a past that isn't pretty nor is it becoming of a man. But I have worked undyingly to make us a possibility again. You are my dream babe.
If one were to come up to me and ask me what my dream in life is, this is what I would say:
My dream is to love Kendall Rae more every day than I did before. My dream is to learn to hunt, to camp outside under the stars, to live in Arizona for the rest of my life. My dream is to have a great career that allows me to have a fantastic connection with my children and my baby. My dream is to earn Kendall's love back and to show her that I am the man I need to be to have the life with her that she deserves and that not another day will go by that I lose sight of what matters most to me in life, love and family. She represents both. I dream that one day Carter will teach me to hunt and carve up an animal, teach me to shoot a gun and help me understand the outdoors, that he will one day show me how to drive a boat. I dream that I will have animals, hopefully a dog that I can name Boogsy and she will be an amazing pet. I dream of family vacations and trips. I want to learn to be a better man from the men I have met in the time I've been here. I dream of one day being able to reach out to Mr. Loren, Brad, Mark and Brandon to go to them as mentors and learn about life from them. They are four of the few real men I have ever encountered. I dream that one day I can go to Courtney and Momma Sue to ask them for tips and little ways to surprise her. I dream that on my wedding day I can sing and sound well, that I can play the guitar and sing that most beautiful song. I dream of having an all black F-150, that I can build a shed, maybe even a house one day. My dream is to stay here, because I love Northern Arizona. I love the people, the small town feel. I love the closeness of the Vickers family. I love the way Flagstaff smells in the morning. I love the way she smiles at me when she rolls over. I miss talking to her, I miss her voice.
If you ask me what My Dream is that is what I would say. I have complicated that dream. My actions of the past have been something of conflict. They have made Kendall not see the possibility of an us again. But I vow to not go back to the person I was. I dedicate myself to being better mentally, emotionally, spiritually and socially not simply for me. But for all the aforementioned people, my family, her, her family, my friends. Everyone. This love can transcend generations, can defy the odds, it can and will endure. You are my dream.
I always planned my entire life on the premise of being alone, of being by myself. Whether this was a defense mechanism, me forcing myself to ignore the other side or me just being plain stupid. Whatever it was I had a thought process that was off center in that way. I didn't believe in those movies where they experience true love and fight with everything in their bodies to prove to the other person that they are worth it, that their love can be the foundation to which they can build off of. That they will travel to the ends of the earth to earn the love of their "One and Only." But now I see that this is true. I see that I am an example of one of those people. I have found true love and I don't care how much of a fool I may look like, how stupid others may perceive me as. I'm crazy about Kendall. Every waking moment, every sleeping second. I love her in the most absolute way possible.
No matter what you've done or why it happened it doesn't matter to me. Your past is just that, past. I cannot hold anything against you because I would be a hypocrite. I have a past that isn't pretty nor is it becoming of a man. But I have worked undyingly to make us a possibility again. You are my dream babe.
If one were to come up to me and ask me what my dream in life is, this is what I would say:
My dream is to love Kendall Rae more every day than I did before. My dream is to learn to hunt, to camp outside under the stars, to live in Arizona for the rest of my life. My dream is to have a great career that allows me to have a fantastic connection with my children and my baby. My dream is to earn Kendall's love back and to show her that I am the man I need to be to have the life with her that she deserves and that not another day will go by that I lose sight of what matters most to me in life, love and family. She represents both. I dream that one day Carter will teach me to hunt and carve up an animal, teach me to shoot a gun and help me understand the outdoors, that he will one day show me how to drive a boat. I dream that I will have animals, hopefully a dog that I can name Boogsy and she will be an amazing pet. I dream of family vacations and trips. I want to learn to be a better man from the men I have met in the time I've been here. I dream of one day being able to reach out to Mr. Loren, Brad, Mark and Brandon to go to them as mentors and learn about life from them. They are four of the few real men I have ever encountered. I dream that one day I can go to Courtney and Momma Sue to ask them for tips and little ways to surprise her. I dream that on my wedding day I can sing and sound well, that I can play the guitar and sing that most beautiful song. I dream of having an all black F-150, that I can build a shed, maybe even a house one day. My dream is to stay here, because I love Northern Arizona. I love the people, the small town feel. I love the closeness of the Vickers family. I love the way Flagstaff smells in the morning. I love the way she smiles at me when she rolls over. I miss talking to her, I miss her voice.
If you ask me what My Dream is that is what I would say. I have complicated that dream. My actions of the past have been something of conflict. They have made Kendall not see the possibility of an us again. But I vow to not go back to the person I was. I dedicate myself to being better mentally, emotionally, spiritually and socially not simply for me. But for all the aforementioned people, my family, her, her family, my friends. Everyone. This love can transcend generations, can defy the odds, it can and will endure. You are my dream.
My new dawn
I saw Red Dawn.
That movie has hit me so hard I'm literally in tears as I write this. That movie has shown me how wrong I've been living. I was so selfish, so pigheaded, so prideful I couldn't see it. I was so terrible to people when I didn't even stop to think of those who have given up so much, who have lost so much so that I won't ever have to feel that feeling. To all of you I am so sorry. I wish I could let all of you know in person how bad I feel for the behaviors and actions I put forth. They were a horrible representation of me, of who I want to be. We have so many people serving this country who don't even have the opportunity to go home at night. They can't get into arguments with their significant others, they don't have the chance to kiss them or hold them or tell them how they feel day to day. The can't see their kids and parents. They have given up so much so that life would be seen for how precious it is. Not for people like the person I used to be to take it for granted, to think that everyone owed them something, that they were a victim.
Watching that movie I thought of all the servicemen and servicewomen I know, my older brother and brother in law included. I thought of how much they have sacrificed, how much they miss out on so that I can experience it. But instead of learning that long ago I'm learning it now while I struggling to fight for and hold onto the things I hold dearest to my heart. I think of the constant danger they're in, the constant uncertainty of whether tomorrow will ever come. I'm sorry to you all. You all deserve better out of me and our of all of us Americans. We can do better. We can love stronger, think clearer, act more rational, unite closer. We don't have to be the mistakes we've made. We can pay our respects by being the best class of person we possibly can be. I am devoting myself to it. This movie has really changed my life. It's pushed me further toward who I need to be to have happiness, love and the people I want in my future there next to me. I was wrong, I was flawed, I did live life less than I should have. But that was then, this is now. I love this country, I love those that serve it. I am forever indebted to you for your character and the decision you have made. You are all a shining example of what men and women truly should be. I will be better, not only for me, for my love, my family but for all of you who can't go home at night. You deserve it. I promise you your sacrifice and impact on this country will NOT be forgotten or taken in vain. God bless America. God bless you all.
Dare to Believe. Dare to Dream. Dare to Risk it All. In the end it will be worth it. Embrace life, it is not guaranteed. Tell people you love them because you don't know if you'll have another chance.
That movie has hit me so hard I'm literally in tears as I write this. That movie has shown me how wrong I've been living. I was so selfish, so pigheaded, so prideful I couldn't see it. I was so terrible to people when I didn't even stop to think of those who have given up so much, who have lost so much so that I won't ever have to feel that feeling. To all of you I am so sorry. I wish I could let all of you know in person how bad I feel for the behaviors and actions I put forth. They were a horrible representation of me, of who I want to be. We have so many people serving this country who don't even have the opportunity to go home at night. They can't get into arguments with their significant others, they don't have the chance to kiss them or hold them or tell them how they feel day to day. The can't see their kids and parents. They have given up so much so that life would be seen for how precious it is. Not for people like the person I used to be to take it for granted, to think that everyone owed them something, that they were a victim.
Watching that movie I thought of all the servicemen and servicewomen I know, my older brother and brother in law included. I thought of how much they have sacrificed, how much they miss out on so that I can experience it. But instead of learning that long ago I'm learning it now while I struggling to fight for and hold onto the things I hold dearest to my heart. I think of the constant danger they're in, the constant uncertainty of whether tomorrow will ever come. I'm sorry to you all. You all deserve better out of me and our of all of us Americans. We can do better. We can love stronger, think clearer, act more rational, unite closer. We don't have to be the mistakes we've made. We can pay our respects by being the best class of person we possibly can be. I am devoting myself to it. This movie has really changed my life. It's pushed me further toward who I need to be to have happiness, love and the people I want in my future there next to me. I was wrong, I was flawed, I did live life less than I should have. But that was then, this is now. I love this country, I love those that serve it. I am forever indebted to you for your character and the decision you have made. You are all a shining example of what men and women truly should be. I will be better, not only for me, for my love, my family but for all of you who can't go home at night. You deserve it. I promise you your sacrifice and impact on this country will NOT be forgotten or taken in vain. God bless America. God bless you all.
Dare to Believe. Dare to Dream. Dare to Risk it All. In the end it will be worth it. Embrace life, it is not guaranteed. Tell people you love them because you don't know if you'll have another chance.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Speedin - Just wrote this in the car
Every night when I hold her
I know that I'm getting closer
To having true love for my lifetime
Like I'm playing millionaire
And she's my lifeline
Abandoned and stranded
Was how I felt before you
But each and every day
I thank god for the great
Divine blessing, that for granted
I can't ever take
Cuz if I feel I'm done
And my time is through
One more breath I'll take
To say I love you
Chorus
I didn't know what it would take
To find a girl that's so great
Kendall Rae, girl I love you
Without you I'm sick just like the swine flu
I'm committed, no pretending
That when I'm away from you girl
That you are all I see
And in my arms you should be
But if I feel I'm done
And my time is through
One more breath I'll take
To say I love you
Chorus
I want you to be my wife girl
Go out, experience the whole world
Words can't say how much I love you
I want to grow old and grey with you
And I know I made some mistakes
Did things that your heart could not take
Dedicated to being the best man
Doing things the best way I can
So if I feel I'm done
And my time is through
One more breath I'll take
To say I love you
Chorus
I'm speedin back to you girl
Cuz you are worth the whole world
I just want you to know
I'll be there for you rain, sleet, hail or snow
Just take one more chance girl
I'll gift wrap, give you the whole world
But if I feel I'm done
And my time is through
One more breath I'll take
To say I love you
I know that I'm getting closer
To having true love for my lifetime
Like I'm playing millionaire
And she's my lifeline
Abandoned and stranded
Was how I felt before you
But each and every day
I thank god for the great
Divine blessing, that for granted
I can't ever take
Cuz if I feel I'm done
And my time is through
One more breath I'll take
To say I love you
Chorus
I didn't know what it would take
To find a girl that's so great
Kendall Rae, girl I love you
Without you I'm sick just like the swine flu
I'm committed, no pretending
That when I'm away from you girl
That you are all I see
And in my arms you should be
But if I feel I'm done
And my time is through
One more breath I'll take
To say I love you
Chorus
I want you to be my wife girl
Go out, experience the whole world
Words can't say how much I love you
I want to grow old and grey with you
And I know I made some mistakes
Did things that your heart could not take
Dedicated to being the best man
Doing things the best way I can
So if I feel I'm done
And my time is through
One more breath I'll take
To say I love you
Chorus
I'm speedin back to you girl
Cuz you are worth the whole world
I just want you to know
I'll be there for you rain, sleet, hail or snow
Just take one more chance girl
I'll gift wrap, give you the whole world
But if I feel I'm done
And my time is through
One more breath I'll take
To say I love you
I don't see the connection
I watched the Don't Judge Me video by Chris Brown for the first time today, and I ABSOLUTELY don't get the premise of how the video connects with the lyrics. Don't get me wrong, it's a FANTASTIC song and a moving videos just can't see the link. If they stood alone they would be equally as great but with no bridge to connect them it falls flat to me. I mean, I have watched probably 10 times to see the connections and I'm not getting them yet. Maybe I will if I look closer as I watch it.
My night
Seeing Red Dawn tonight by myself. I wish you were here with me Kendall Rae. I can't wait for us to have the opportunity to start over. For us to be able to go on dates again and for me to show you how beautiful it can be. For me to show you the man that was behind that facade for so long. The man I am. The man I needed to and wanted to be but didn't know how to be.
Hopefully this movie will be good and worth the time. I think it will. I'm excited to see it. At the same time my heart is somewhat down because this is something I wanted to see with you. I wanted to take you on our first official date to this movie :(
But I refuse to let myself get down or frustrated because I know what's just over the horizon so it makes this all worth it. I love you Raebug!
Hopefully this movie will be good and worth the time. I think it will. I'm excited to see it. At the same time my heart is somewhat down because this is something I wanted to see with you. I wanted to take you on our first official date to this movie :(
But I refuse to let myself get down or frustrated because I know what's just over the horizon so it makes this all worth it. I love you Raebug!
My try at singing
I've realized that I am a horrible singer. I just spent nearly an hour driving around singing and I've realized only certain songs mesh with my voice. Country music is easier for me to sing because my voice is deep. The songs I want to song to her all ended up sounding decent lol. But "Staring at the sun" and "When she says baby"are officially my two favorite songs right now. Staring at the sun is in my top 5 ALL TIME. Thank The Lord for Jason Aldean and Blake Shelton.
But aside from that today has been a good day. Been on the positive side of the mood and emotional spectrum. I wish I was talking to her and hearing her voice but I understand why I have to sacrifice this period of time in order to keep progressing so I can give her forever. I think that is a fantastic sacrifice. I love Kendall Rae enough to hurt now but be blissful for eternity. I love you babe. Can't wait to talk to you.
But aside from that today has been a good day. Been on the positive side of the mood and emotional spectrum. I wish I was talking to her and hearing her voice but I understand why I have to sacrifice this period of time in order to keep progressing so I can give her forever. I think that is a fantastic sacrifice. I love Kendall Rae enough to hurt now but be blissful for eternity. I love you babe. Can't wait to talk to you.
11+12
As I sit here in my car, I feel strong. I feel the music, the power of god and I feel the love taking over my once blackened heart. The process has happened. The transformation has taken place. Today, November 23rd 2012, I can officially say I have found myself and am ready. I still have a journey in front of me but the person I am now is not a facade. I'm here, I have arrived. I turned that last corner and I am ready to take that journey of 1,000 miles. I'm ready to show her. To earn it. I'm capable and ooh it feels amazing.
Staring at the sun while looking in the mirror to my future.
She could easily blind someone
Other women, I see none
She's like starin' at the sun
She gets on you
Under your skin like a tattoo
She'll always be there
She holds on, stuck in your head like an old song
She ain't goin' nowhere
She's like standin' in the rain
Washes all my cares away
At the end of a long, hot day
She's like standin' in the rain
She's like finally coming home
And seeing that light in the window on
After being gone too long
She's like finally coming home
Standin' in the rain
Starin' at the sun
This song is my absolute favorite song! It personifies how I feel about Kendall Rae anytime I see her, text her, hear her voice, kiss her lips. One day in the near future I am buying a guitar and learning to play this. Then, I will sing and play this song for her. She is like staring at the sun. The most astounding, profound thing in the world to me. The more I work, the more I do my exercises and the more I release the pain and hurt that has plagued me for so long, the better I feel, the more capable and empowered I become. I no longer look at myself in shame because of BPD and because of the things I did wrong back then. I am not that person and the man I am today is living proof of that. The final thing I have left to fix is the relationship I broke. I want to start fresh with her, to show her that I am progress, I am improvement. Today, I will take more steps forward and distance my mind, body and soul from the horrible mistakes and behaviors I exuded. The old me is dead and gone and I proclaim that from the top of my lungs. Treatment won't stop now, it will continue. I have buried my past pain, my past actions. I am walking that road to recovery and reclaiming the things I want in my future and I won't simply stop because I have had good stretches. I don't want simply good stretches. I want great everything. Great life, career, family life, married life and I will be damned if I take this opportunity for granted and allow myself to revert. This change is permanent and real and I am NOT going back to that lifestyle ever. I want to learn to camp, to skin an animal, to camp on land as well as on a boat, to have a dog named Boogsy, to own a boat and learn to drive one. I want a truck and to learn how to fix it. I want a house that my hard work helped build/buy. I want my relationship with Kendall to take flight and become greater than it ever was. I want everything life has to offer. I want to show her that I am not the mistakes I've made and that the man I am is more than the physical. I can be the emotional, spiritual and everything in between. God has given me the tools to show her it can and will be better from here on out and I am determined to show her in every way, shape and form, in every minute of the day, every second and every moment. I can diffuse the doubt, reduce the uncertainty and make the extreme skepticism go away. It will be more than enough to build a life off of, to forge a new path out of the love that is here. I want to learn all things! I want to experience all things!
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Love
Love is the mortar which holds together the human condition. Love has beaten illness and disease. Love has changed lives and brought people back from the brink. Love is the lifeblood of humanity. It heals, resurrects and makes hearts worthwhile. Love is life. It is everything that we search to find in every corner of the globe. Love is the only marker of time, it is the pureness of our existence. I know this love. I feel it from above and I feel it around me. I feel it from you, Kendall Rae. I feel that love from you in every second I breathe. I want this love to grow, to spring eternally and transcend generations and lifestyles. I want to earn her love back because the mistakes of my past have caused that. I love myself, I love where I'm heading in life, I love the future I can have with you. I think of it and I smile. I find myself listening to "Staring at the sun by Jason Aldean" and you personify that song. I love you. Always and forever. Can't wait to talk to you again and experience your love again. The day is coming and I'm already preparing for that day. It will be beautiful.
Keeping my cool
If there's one thing that really grinds my gears it's people who are completely inconsiderate and disrespectful of those around them. I'm not a selfish guy, I don't try and impose my will on others. I will admit that in the past, I wasn't always aware of how my words left some people feeling discouraged/upset or even angry at me. I have worked my ass off to not allow those things to happen. I've pushed myself to be better in that respect. I can honestly say there are times still where I get really angry, but the way I diffuse it has been night and day. I no longer yell, cuss or take it out on people. I remove myself from the situation. I just don't understand how people can trample that baseline of respect all people have. They are so selfish they expect everyone around them to conform around what they're doing or how they're doing it. It's flabbergasting to me. I can't even imagine being that type of person. Yet when someone who's being disrespected and treated less than they deserve gets upset, those who have been disrespectful and inconsiderate act as if they are the ones who have been wronged? Things like this make no sense to me. Instead of getting into an altercation nowadays, I just walk away. It's easier on my mind, body and emotions to just walk away and be the bigger person rather than argue. I have blood pressure levels to worry about.
Today has been another day of progress. Spoke to my baby today, the conversation went amazing and now I'm up in my room about to order the campaign.
Dedication, Hard work/effort, belief and being honest with yourself and the world get you ahead. Nothing more, nothing less. I love you all and I'm thankful for my life.
Today has been another day of progress. Spoke to my baby today, the conversation went amazing and now I'm up in my room about to order the campaign.
Dedication, Hard work/effort, belief and being honest with yourself and the world get you ahead. Nothing more, nothing less. I love you all and I'm thankful for my life.
Torn up.
It should be me ... I should be there with her. I shouldn't have messed up. I regret the way I was. Today should've been the first of many anniversaries we shared. I can't hold the tears in. I can't fight them back. I wish I could. I wish. I pray night and day for just one, one more opportunity to show her that my love, that this effort, dedication and change is forever. I miss you so much Kendall Rae. I love you eternally. My mistakes are in the past. My mistakes taught me everything I needed to know and learn, everything I've lacked for my entire life. I am a changed man and I hope you can find it in your heart to give it one last Hail Mary effort. I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. It's you I want. No one else. I was a fool, I was an idiot. But can we love again? Can we put both of our pasts, our mistakes and shortcomings in the grave and start fresh? I know that we can. It just takes one risk, one step. I know you don't think we are good for one another, that we can't make it but look at how far we've come as individuals and as a unit. We can push through these dark clouds and see the sun once more. Saying I'm sorry doesn't make it alright, but if we try we can make it. My actions, clarity and perspectives have shown me that I am capable of giving you the world. I don't have the family background that you know but I want to build that with you, for you, because you have shown me how much family means in life. You are my family, my rock. I want you here for all of life's adventures. My crazy day yesterday left me sad because the one person that would've been proud of me and been able to laugh at the story I couldn't contact. I'm coming right straight from the heart and I can't one any other way. Just give it one more shot Raebug. You won't ever regret the choice. I can promise you that.
11-22
Today would've been our one year. Even though this brings me sadness and hurts a little bit to think about I'm not depressed about it, I haven't had any mood downswings. I love her, I love me, I love my life. The treatment I've been doing has been hard, but it has been effective. I'm thankful that god made it possible for me to climb out of the self imposed hell I was in. Kendall Rae and God up above are the two people who saved me, whether she knows it or not. I'm humbled, I'm patient, I understand. I see the big picture and I am ready to work for her affection, time, trust and hand in a relationship and one day in marriage. The man I've become isn't the man I was. It may be hard to believe that in 6 weeks I've made this much progress but it's real, it's true.
There are people all around me telling me to quit, to give up, to find someone else. I can't do that because those people are wrong. I refuse to quit on this love, I refuse to quit and give up on something that can be as beautiful as this. Call me crazy, call me foolish. But when I think of the future Kendall Rae is front and center. Not because I consciously force it but because she naturally is there. When I dream of my wedding day, which I do quite frequently, she is the one in the dress. I'm not faking this or just saying it to seem like a person I'm not. I AM this person. This IS me. I wholeheartedly wish that this change had come long ago but that wasn't what god intended for me. I'm seeing signs everyday that show me what I can do if I fight the adversity and do everything in my power to show her and show the world what I am becoming.
I'm thankful for life, I'm thankful for the tears streaming down my face writing this, I'm thankful for the pain I went through because its taught me the true meaning of love. I'm thankful for Mrs. Susan Vickers, because everyday when I wake up and pray and do my mantras I hear her words, they echo in my mind and without people like her this world wouldn't be as great. I'm thankful for the god we have because he is an awesome god who can create waves of progress over areas that were assumed to be dried out. I'm thankful for the place I'm at in life because I'm healthy, I'm forging a path toward the future I want. I'm thankful for those people who are standing by me through all of this transformation. I'm glad you haven't thrown me away and outcast me. Lastly I'm thankful for ME! I'm thankful The Lord created someone like me and has led me from the brink back to this place. I love myself, the man I'm becoming and even though I regret the person I was I sadly had to be him in order to become me. I'm the rose that grew out of the concrete, the caterpillar that has become the butterfly. I'm not turning back, I'm not regressing. Mustafa is dead. Those mistakes, those horrible actions and the mental and emotional instability are gone. I'm focused and motivated to be the best man I can ever be. I love you Kendall Rae, I love you lord, I love all of my true friends and I love my family and I love me. Be thankful for life's opportunities and don't give up. Fight for it. Because in the end if you fight and lose its better than not fighting at all. You can't know if you don't try. Love is life, life is love.
There are people all around me telling me to quit, to give up, to find someone else. I can't do that because those people are wrong. I refuse to quit on this love, I refuse to quit and give up on something that can be as beautiful as this. Call me crazy, call me foolish. But when I think of the future Kendall Rae is front and center. Not because I consciously force it but because she naturally is there. When I dream of my wedding day, which I do quite frequently, she is the one in the dress. I'm not faking this or just saying it to seem like a person I'm not. I AM this person. This IS me. I wholeheartedly wish that this change had come long ago but that wasn't what god intended for me. I'm seeing signs everyday that show me what I can do if I fight the adversity and do everything in my power to show her and show the world what I am becoming.
I'm thankful for life, I'm thankful for the tears streaming down my face writing this, I'm thankful for the pain I went through because its taught me the true meaning of love. I'm thankful for Mrs. Susan Vickers, because everyday when I wake up and pray and do my mantras I hear her words, they echo in my mind and without people like her this world wouldn't be as great. I'm thankful for the god we have because he is an awesome god who can create waves of progress over areas that were assumed to be dried out. I'm thankful for the place I'm at in life because I'm healthy, I'm forging a path toward the future I want. I'm thankful for those people who are standing by me through all of this transformation. I'm glad you haven't thrown me away and outcast me. Lastly I'm thankful for ME! I'm thankful The Lord created someone like me and has led me from the brink back to this place. I love myself, the man I'm becoming and even though I regret the person I was I sadly had to be him in order to become me. I'm the rose that grew out of the concrete, the caterpillar that has become the butterfly. I'm not turning back, I'm not regressing. Mustafa is dead. Those mistakes, those horrible actions and the mental and emotional instability are gone. I'm focused and motivated to be the best man I can ever be. I love you Kendall Rae, I love you lord, I love all of my true friends and I love my family and I love me. Be thankful for life's opportunities and don't give up. Fight for it. Because in the end if you fight and lose its better than not fighting at all. You can't know if you don't try. Love is life, life is love.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Today showed me more proof
I lost my wallet this morning, only had 40 bucks. Drove all the way to page, buried a letter I wrote and then got a call from my friend asking to come up for thanksgiving so I drove to Phoenix to get him. Then on the way back I hit empty by munds park. We were stranded there for an hour and then this 15 year old kid walked up and asked us if we wanted to smoke and I had to barter with him for gas money with a few beers haha. Then had to fix my car on the side of the highway because it was leaking antifreeze by ripping up some jeans and plugging it, got oil all over my clothes. Then I drove back, and what do you know I find my wallet haha. Drove over 650 miles and there was one thing on my mind as I was driving all around lol. You know what it is. No need to say it. Today was a really miraculous day. It showed me that anything is possible. That divine intervention exists. I hadn't ever seen it in action until today. It motivated me more than words can ever say.
These changes are real. I love her so much. I can't even explain it in simple words. If I could display the content of my heart on paper to see it would be the most magnificent thing ever looked at. Kendall Rae, Lord above and my family are the three most important pillars. She will see that this is for real. That this isn't me faking it. Me loving country music, not cussing like I used to. Becoming a registered republican, wanting to spend the rest of my life becoming better for her. This is 100% real baby. I wouldn't take this opportunity god has given me for granted. You are too important to me. I love you too much to not make sure this is concrete and I don't revert back. I love you.
This video is how I feel. I listened to it the whole way back from Page. The old me is dead and gone. This is here to stay. I wouldn't and couldn't fake this.
This video is how I feel. I listened to it the whole way back from Page. The old me is dead and gone. This is here to stay. I wouldn't and couldn't fake this.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Notebook Love
I've seen this movie nearly 25 times in the last month. I watch it almost everyday.
Today, things were different. I had always been able to relate to Noah and his struggle. But today it all changed. I broke down and cried myself through the whole movie. I want that type of love with Kendall. She doesn't see a way we can work but I feel it in every cell in my body that we can. This love is life changing. It's the love that creates miracles, that moves mountains and shows that there is hope even when it seems hopeless. I have more hope than I've ever had. I want to be Noah. I'm willing to wait for the rest of my life for her. She's the one. I will not give up, I can't. I can't surrender this love. She is my Allie. She is the stars, the moon, the sun. The compass that guides my heart. Kendall Rae Vickers you are the one. I wasn't right before. I was so wrong, I hurt you and I undervalued you and I made you feel like we can't work. You may not think that I've changed but I dare you to see what's here right now. Look into my eyes, see into my heart. See that I meant what I said when I told you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I want a family with you. I want you to feel that everyday you have a man who will go through anything in his path to love you better and show you the jape of his heart and the devotion he has to you and the family he wants with you. Through thick and thin I want you. I was worse but I'm going to be the best man you've ever known. I'm going to love for you, for god, for family. Those are the things that matter to me. You are it! You are my angel. I haven't been more sure of any feeling in my life.
I love you! To the moon and back.
Today, things were different. I had always been able to relate to Noah and his struggle. But today it all changed. I broke down and cried myself through the whole movie. I want that type of love with Kendall. She doesn't see a way we can work but I feel it in every cell in my body that we can. This love is life changing. It's the love that creates miracles, that moves mountains and shows that there is hope even when it seems hopeless. I have more hope than I've ever had. I want to be Noah. I'm willing to wait for the rest of my life for her. She's the one. I will not give up, I can't. I can't surrender this love. She is my Allie. She is the stars, the moon, the sun. The compass that guides my heart. Kendall Rae Vickers you are the one. I wasn't right before. I was so wrong, I hurt you and I undervalued you and I made you feel like we can't work. You may not think that I've changed but I dare you to see what's here right now. Look into my eyes, see into my heart. See that I meant what I said when I told you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I want a family with you. I want you to feel that everyday you have a man who will go through anything in his path to love you better and show you the jape of his heart and the devotion he has to you and the family he wants with you. Through thick and thin I want you. I was worse but I'm going to be the best man you've ever known. I'm going to love for you, for god, for family. Those are the things that matter to me. You are it! You are my angel. I haven't been more sure of any feeling in my life.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
The last week
I haven't posted on here because I have had a life changing week. My moods have become more regulated and I have been able to see through many things I hadn't seen before. I AM in control! I can't remember a time in my life where I mentally and emotionally had this much control. I am a completely different person when I look in the mirror and I love it! I love my life and where it's headed. Only one thing is missing and god is helping me fix that. God works in mysterious ways and I am living proof! He didn't give up on me when there were times I wanted to give up on myself. He loved me through times when I didn't love myself. But he has shown me the path to betterment, to becoming a man, to earning the love back that is life altering. Yes Kendall Rae I'm talking about you babe! I love you so much, it's the sweetest thing. I know now what I must do. I understand how you feel toward the situation but if you have just the slightest faith in me and I can show you what an amazing life we can have together from now until the end of time. You're more than a woman, you are family, you are love, truth, purity, my Helen of Troy. You are the woman I want to parent children with, that I want to go on lake trips with, that I want to love beyond all definitions of love. It's not that I need it, I want it. I want you for the rest of my life to wake up everyday knowing that you have a MAN that will break his body and spirit to make sure that you want for nothing, that you are fulfilled, appreciated and made happier through every day. I know it's taken long but this is gods work and this is a masterpiece he has worked up. I can't wait to talk to you!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
The truth
I was living so wrong, I hurt her and others around me that I love, like her family. I wasn't right for so long. All she thinks is the problems we had will resurface. Not this time. Not after the journey I've undertaken. I used to dream of football and the NFL then I got here and I realize what god was showing me. She's my dream, my plan my goal. Having a family with her, being a husband. Settling down in a great place to raise children, having children. Providing for them. God led me straight here to her for a reason. I now see his plan unfolding right in front of me. God took college football away from me to show me that that 3 year career isn't for me. FAMILY, life after the whistle is what matters. I'm getting help for me primarily but is he lying if I said she wasn't a reason. Her love is salvation. She is the angel god sent me to cherish and work tirelessly to prove that I can be, I can do and I can improve. She has made me WANT to be a better person, she makes me want to learn to hunt, to off road, to indulge in all things that she knows and loves. It's not me shaping my life around her, she is the rock I have built my world around. Life is nothing without love. Her love is supernatural, her love is like getting a hug from god directly. Kendall Rae Vickers is the one, the only, the future. I love you so much baby. My prayers were answered. I now have understanding and power over my past, I have let it go. My past pain, burdens and suffering kept me from progressing into the man I want to be for you and for myself. You are the best. I want to show you that we can have a storybook love like Noah and Allie. That we can have a big screen connection like Leo and Paige. God has made me a lucky man to have the chance to earn your love and to earn a place in the future of the Vickers family. I love your mother Susan ad your father Loren. I want to go hunting with your brothers Brandon and Carter, I want to surprise you and your sisters with spa days and show you all that you are beautiful, amazing women. I want to love your nieces and nephews. All I need is the opportunity to show the content of my soul, to experience the rebirth I have come to. It's all you baby. You brought this me out of the shell, from behind the mask and I can't love you enough for it. Right now you think it's bleak. You don't think it will happen or work but I have the best counselor on my side, god. He has already worked wonders over me and the person that I was as opposed to the person that I am. If we allow him to be the third strand in our new, improved, better than ever relationship we will never falter again. I love you bug. I can't wait to see you!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
The new me
Today I filled out my re-registration card for voting. I have seen that the country has gone too far in one way. Rather than rejoice, I have been filled with worry all night. I am now seeing the path the lord is setting out for me and I know the past hints he showed me through others in my life. I must turn to what many perceived as "the dark side" aka the republican party. The party is not a bad thing, the people on the ground, the everyday people are not bad. Some of them are the most intelligent, beautiful, amazing people I have ever met. I now place my projection to help the city of Flagstaff as well as my country from that standpoint. The Reagan era has been pronounced dead. It is time for the youth to rise up and re-center this country and work through compromise. In 2036, I will aim to run for president from this side of the ticket. I don't know why I felt like a victim for so long, I am so capable of helping myself and others. I'm capable of loving myself and loving others in a transformed way. I have become transformed as a man. I am seeing that the direction we are going, the legalization of drugs and the absence of knowledge about things like fast and furious are leading us to another extreme like we had with the Bush administrations. I am not a hypocrite, I am not a flip-flopper. I have found myself and the path god has set out for me and I am going to fight for everything I feel in my heart. I refuse to meet a stigma of being what some victim mentalities are stigmatized as. I was a part of the 47% Romney spoke about. But today, right now, I am denouncing that mentality, I denounce my helplessness and hopelessness and I refuse to be a victim. I WILL FIGHT for what I know is right and what I know I can make possible in the future with Kendall, my communities as well as myself. I love you Kendall Vickers and I am going to show you the transformation.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
The change has come
I never thought I would say this but Romney's victim comment hit home with me. I used to feel like people owed me, like the world was out to get me. I put myself through so much suffering because I put myself in a victim role.
Untitled
I'm ashamed of myself for my past actions. This feeling reminds me that I must atone, I must fix things in all aspects of my life. I have to make things right and be a better man.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
The calm
I've been living in the eye of the storm for far too long. I let it cloud me and take me down a road that I would regret even before I reached the end. But I've recaptured my faith, put my pride, ego and insecurities on the shelf so that I can fight for something bigger than me ... Us. I see what we will be, the family we can have and the future that's just over the horizon. I love you, I love me, I love us.
Turned the corner
Today, I went home. Not to a physical home, but to the place I needed to go. The sermon and service of today has truly and surely helped me turn the corner. The biggest message they hit home was live above the hurt, live with the past, not in spite of it. Forgive yourself and forgive those who have trespassed against you. For when you forgive yourself, you allow your heart to be free of burden and it allows you to love yourself. I can truly look myself in the mirror and say I love who in becoming. I'm not proud of who I was, but that boy is dead and gone. I am becoming the man I see that is capable of fixing this all.
"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me. Lying on the floor, you found me." Kendall, you found me you helped me find me. And I love you so much. I love me so much.
For the first time in years I can say "I went home."
I never really understood sermons when I was younger and went to church, but I understand now. The wave of love and emotion I felt in that church was beyond all words. I cried time and time again. Every time I cried I felt my heart and mind loosen up. I've forgiven all the hurt, pain and baggage that I carried with me for far too long. All the baggage that I allowed to lay ruin to what I had with Kendall. But what I had with her is dead, I'm starting over anew. It is going to be a breathtaking love, a new beginning with the greatest outcome. I'm excited to talk to you again. I can't wait to show you the way I've learned to love.
"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me. Lying on the floor, you found me." Kendall, you found me you helped me find me. And I love you so much. I love me so much.
For the first time in years I can say "I went home."
I never really understood sermons when I was younger and went to church, but I understand now. The wave of love and emotion I felt in that church was beyond all words. I cried time and time again. Every time I cried I felt my heart and mind loosen up. I've forgiven all the hurt, pain and baggage that I carried with me for far too long. All the baggage that I allowed to lay ruin to what I had with Kendall. But what I had with her is dead, I'm starting over anew. It is going to be a breathtaking love, a new beginning with the greatest outcome. I'm excited to talk to you again. I can't wait to show you the way I've learned to love.
5 o'clock
Once again, the 5 o'clock hour defeats me. I woke up in tears, not able to function. I miss her. Way too much to move on, way too much to deny my feelings. I love you Kendall. I'm sorry. I vow it is going to be night and day. We aren't going back to what we had, were going forward to something that is far greater and more powerful. I am giddy with excitement for the day I am allowed to talk to you again. That day is coming soon, very soon. I love you.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Untitled
As I'm sitting here crying in the bathroom, I feel broken. All the emotion came rushing back to me. It all hit be like a brick wall. I'm not deviating from my path, programs or goal of earning Kendall Rae's love and time back. But I have this lump in my throat. After talking with my two counselors and group members for 4 and 3 weeks respectively I've become better at pinpointing a mood swing, at grabbing it and not letting it go unchecked. I checked it. I needed to cry it out and process it. As I'm writing this I feel myself getting better. I'm not as crushed as I just was. I miss you more tonight than ever before. I remember when I had a breakdown right before we went to bed and you told me you'd always be there. You told me you weren't going anywhere, that you were here for the long haul. I believed you 1000%. You're not here. You're gone, you say you're done, you're forcing yourself to be done, not talk to me and try to move on.
Why?
I'm not a bad person, I'm not terrible. I'm not a monster. I've done wrong things, acted ignorantly and did stupid mindless things that were inappropriate and unacceptable. But I'm not bad, I'm not unworthy. I'm a great person. I care deeply about you. I love you powerfully like no one ever will. You don't have to be ready to start over, just tell me you miss me. Just let me know that you still love me. I miss you, the person, the angel. It's not about sex, it's not about the title or the comfortability. It's about me knowing I will love you for the rest of my days. Whether I turn in the withdrawal papers or not I will always love you. Whether I break my leg and fall off a cliff, I will always love you. If I lose my sight, hearing and sense of smell I always will love you.
But what if I'm right? What if we are meant to be together? What if this is gods way of preparing me for the life were supposed to have?
What if you're wrong? What if. Just ask yourself that. What if I do prove it to you, what if I do earn the respect of your family back? What if I do send the letters I've written them all?
What if?
I love you and I hope you sleep well babe. I miss you.
Why?
I'm not a bad person, I'm not terrible. I'm not a monster. I've done wrong things, acted ignorantly and did stupid mindless things that were inappropriate and unacceptable. But I'm not bad, I'm not unworthy. I'm a great person. I care deeply about you. I love you powerfully like no one ever will. You don't have to be ready to start over, just tell me you miss me. Just let me know that you still love me. I miss you, the person, the angel. It's not about sex, it's not about the title or the comfortability. It's about me knowing I will love you for the rest of my days. Whether I turn in the withdrawal papers or not I will always love you. Whether I break my leg and fall off a cliff, I will always love you. If I lose my sight, hearing and sense of smell I always will love you.
But what if I'm right? What if we are meant to be together? What if this is gods way of preparing me for the life were supposed to have?
What if you're wrong? What if. Just ask yourself that. What if I do prove it to you, what if I do earn the respect of your family back? What if I do send the letters I've written them all?
What if?
I love you and I hope you sleep well babe. I miss you.
Perfect description.
I literally heard two songs that have changed my life. They describe me right now to a T. What if by Jason Cassidy and Don't give up on me by Jason Aldean are 100% accurate descriptions of everything I'm thinking and feeling. Never thought there would be a song that described me and how I felt that well. I'm beginning to love country music more than any other genre. It speaks to me like no music has before. The answers to reclaiming. Kendall's heart lie in the music. The music, the prayer and scripture and the exercises and therapy are the key. I love you bug! I miss you, I'm always thinking of you and I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait. I have butterflies just writing this.
Today
I spent the whole day working, the whole day around hundreds of females. Through all of that one woman stuck in my mind, you! You're the one for me. I feel it more and more with every passing day. I know you say you're done, moving on and can't talk to me but I am going through hell too. I am moving on as well, not in the way that you think. I am moving past all that baggage and negativity. I'm dedicating myself to something bigger. Something larger than love. I am determined to show you the shape of my heart and character. You need to see this. This progress is not in vain. I can't wait to take you on our REAL first date and fall in love with you all over again. My faith is in god. I've let him guide me and take the wheel to show me what I must do to earn your trust, love, compassion and time back. You deserve the best and I am going to work my fingers to the bone to be the best and give you nothing less than that. The song don't judge me by Chris Brown still rings true. We have to hit reset and rebuild our foundation and not keep score based on the past. I love you dearly Kendall Rae. Whether you're reading this or not I do. I love you more and more. I miss you so much and I can't wait to see you again, to look into your eyes and see that angelic face of yours.
All things
Giving up control and letting god guide me has made such a change over the last few weeks. I've become even more hopeful and more optimistic. It's had allowed my love for Kendall to blossom even more. I am more appreciative, I understand her point of view and how she's feeling even more. I'm able to analyze from a different perspective. My prayers are slowly being answered. Day by day I seethe manifestation of my faith in this coming out. My faith and belief in me is restoring. My confidence is returning. I'm becoming more sure of myself. More aware, better equipped to deal with things I previously let consume me. I've forgiven, all that held me back growing up. It's profound. I've found a great friend in Laurel and she has helped me see what was previously unseen.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Tonight
Goodnight love, goodnight world. I'm going to wake up a better more in control man than I am right now. I'm learning to love and understand myself and how to interact. Had a fantastic one on one with Laurel and got so much off my chest it felt great to talk to someone who understood me. It reminded me of how amazing and precious Kendall truly is. You are an amazing woman baby. I miss you dearly and I will be dreaming of you tonight. I love you. Goodnight.
All things are possible.
Over the past few weeks and months I have moved closer and closer to my religion. I always thought I knew it all, I always thought I had the capabilities to overcome anything in my path without looking to religion.
I was absolutely wrong
Had it not been for reading the bible, prayer and believing then I wouldn't have made it through the last 5 months. I've had so many downs and not many ups. Meeting Kendall to me now was clearly divine intervention. I never could meet someone so pure, so beautiful, so angelic on my own. I've asked The Lord to show me my path, to show me what to do and every night I dream of her in a white dress, I dream of kissing her lips and bonding with her through him. I can't ever lose my way again. I must now find my way back to god before she can find her way back to me. I love her absolutely and completely. I'm tired of the past frustration and anger and hurt. I'm vowing to never ever let that occur with her ever again. I'm determined to rebuild the foundation that was us. I'm no longer keeping score and holding onto hurt in my life from my past. She deserves a man who is free f a wavy heart. Opening up to my dad and telling him how I truly felt yesterday was the first time in my entire life that I felt at peace with him. I'm letting go of my baggage and allowing myself to move forward and love myself like beer before. Kendall is my Eve, my North Star, my Helen of Troy. For her I would climb the tallest mountain, walk through hell's hottest valley and trek through the coldest winter for her love. You are worth it baby and I love you so much and I'm so sorry that I caused what I caused. It will be better, that is a fact amongst facts. I am growing better as a man everyday. I can't wait to show you baby! You mean the world to me! I love you dearly! I'm so excited to see you once again. To start anew and show you the shape of my heart.
I was absolutely wrong
Had it not been for reading the bible, prayer and believing then I wouldn't have made it through the last 5 months. I've had so many downs and not many ups. Meeting Kendall to me now was clearly divine intervention. I never could meet someone so pure, so beautiful, so angelic on my own. I've asked The Lord to show me my path, to show me what to do and every night I dream of her in a white dress, I dream of kissing her lips and bonding with her through him. I can't ever lose my way again. I must now find my way back to god before she can find her way back to me. I love her absolutely and completely. I'm tired of the past frustration and anger and hurt. I'm vowing to never ever let that occur with her ever again. I'm determined to rebuild the foundation that was us. I'm no longer keeping score and holding onto hurt in my life from my past. She deserves a man who is free f a wavy heart. Opening up to my dad and telling him how I truly felt yesterday was the first time in my entire life that I felt at peace with him. I'm letting go of my baggage and allowing myself to move forward and love myself like beer before. Kendall is my Eve, my North Star, my Helen of Troy. For her I would climb the tallest mountain, walk through hell's hottest valley and trek through the coldest winter for her love. You are worth it baby and I love you so much and I'm so sorry that I caused what I caused. It will be better, that is a fact amongst facts. I am growing better as a man everyday. I can't wait to show you baby! You mean the world to me! I love you dearly! I'm so excited to see you once again. To start anew and show you the shape of my heart.
Determined
I'm determined to do this the right way, I'm determined to fix this completely. I know I can and I feel it in my bones every single second of every day. It's getting clearer and clearer everyday. Gahhhhh!!!!!!! I love you so much
5 o'clock in the morning
I've begun to notice that 5 o'clock is when I wake up every morning in a cold sweat. No matter how much or how little I've slept that is always what occurs. That is when she normally turns over toward me and we fall asleep all over again. It was when she reassured me, told me she loved me and made me feel like I belonged in that place. Those are the things I miss most. I'm determined to return to that. Kendall Rae Vickers l know I wasn't a perfect man by any stretch of the imagination, heck I wasn't a man by many accounts, but I'm getting better. I'm motivated, determined and focused on loving you through missing you. I love you more and more everyday. I know you are frustrated with the animosity and anger and the way things had been. But I'm guaranteeing you that it won't ever be like that again. My BPD will be under control, it will not be the cause of fights, anger, emotional imbalance and insecurity, mood swings and poor self awareness. I'm gaining control everyday with the way that my therapy is going along with my reading tools. Don't forget to remember me babe, don't forget to love me. I'm going to earn your compassion and earn your trust back. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. I love you. I hope you are sleeping well right now in preparation for your test. I miss you baby.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
My heart just leaped out of my chest.
She texted me, she actually texted me. The second I heard her ringtone I got butterflies, my heart rate increased and I got giddy. I haven't felt like that in days. That just made my day. The longing and urging to want to talk to her is still here. Everyday I love her more and more. I miss her so much.
Caving in
So much of me wants to cave in and text her, but I know I shouldn't talk to her yet. I should wait until I'm more deserving. Until I am better. I can't project being strong much longer. I'm so weak and broken on the inside. I have issues and I'm man enough to admit that I need and am getting help. I'm going to be a better man, I can feel myself progressing. No matter what I still love her so much. "I don't want to close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep, tell me how can I be fly without the wind beneath my wings?" I don't deserve her yet. I don't deserve to talk to my love yet. But I'm getting closer. Every time I pray I feel more sure of what I need to do. Of the things that I am going to have to do. It's never been clearer than it is right now. I've finally forgiven myself for everything that I've done in my entire life. I'm starting to assure myself more and make more conscious decisions on my own. I miss Kendall so much, so so very much. I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you gently. I want you babe. Nothing less. I want you from now until my last breath. I can show my progress and my transition. It's going to be the brightest sun, the clearest moon on that day. I'm excited for it. For her, me and us. God has begun to show me his plan for accomplishing what I'm setting my mind to.
I woke up
This morning I woke up with a sharper image of things. She isn't speaking to me, it's the hardest thing in the world. I feel her thoughts. I know she thinks of me like I think of her. I feel her love still. Not speaking to her is possibly the most daunting task ever put before me. I know it must be for the betterment of us as individuals which will translate to the betterment of us as a unit. I miss her dearly. I love her deeply. I've prayed nearly 3-5 times a day for the Lord's guidance. I know his plan, I see his path set out for me. I've seen it all along. I must push myself to get better so that I can be better. So that my confidence can return, so my actions mirror my words. So that I can be the man that she needs, wants and deserves. Her love is powerful. I want to hold her in my arms and kiss her gently on the forehead. I miss you Kendall Rae. You are always on my mind and I can't wait for the day that I see you and we get back on track. The animosity, anger, hurt and hesitance will pass. After that our love will take over and we will conquer the world.
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