The Trouble With Girls

One thing I'm definitely no longer used to or really good at is courting. It's been so long since I've had genuine interest in anyone that I literally fumble over my actions and get hyper-excited about talking to a woman. Then comes the "coming off too strong" sentiment which is something I've never actually been able to grasp. 

Women want a man to show interest and for them to be the only one he wants, then get annoyed/standoffish when he shows true interest. They want effort but get alarmed when the effort is "too much" yet don't want a man to not show them that he cares or wants them. It is contentious at best and leaves me beyond confused about the paradox I see. I really like her, but I'm "coming off too strong" by texting and communicating ... Which is what Women claim they want, but don't appreciate when they have it right in front of them. 

I'm not sure how to navigate these newly charted waters for me. Do I continue to court her ... Or do I back off completely, do I try and find a middle ground? 

The trouble with girls is actually finding what they want. I thought I knew ... But I have absolutely no clue. 

Finding Forever

I was so blinded by pain and by the idea that a protected heart is the best heart to have. I thought that you had to pretend to be happy in order to become happy. I knew they were complete fallacies all along, but it became easier to pretend than to stare in the mirror and face the true gravity of it all. 

I've begun to see my castle walls come down, I've slowly but surely through my streak of February and early March, seen that the other side will always be the more beneficial side. I long for commitment and for consistency but I wasn't committed or consistent to anything myself. It took my quite some time to figure it out for a whole new time. But I am damn sure I did. The last year of my life I've not been me. I haven't genuinely smiled, I haven't felt that warmth and wholeness that I had become accustomed to. 

I had lost myself in the race to save myself. 

It's an eerie yet amazing feeling to have that shift in paradigm and in perspective, to actually feel yourself turn a corner. I see before me the road to everything I've ever wanted and wished for. Now the difficult part is awakening a part of me again that was buried under all the rubble of everything I've been through and all the pain that overwhelmed my heart, mind, body and soul. 

It's a different step, but it's a step in the right direction.   

Now I have to work on the most important factor of things. P.P.C

Projection, Progression and Cultivation

Projection: project this girl into every phase of your life, see how she sinks or swims with family, friends, your lifestyle, your goals and wants. 

Progression: you begin building something larger. You start dating and working on getting to know her ins and outs, her fears and loves. You have to work your ass off in the progression phase; it's the hardest for a reason. 

Cultivation: you have worked and worked, and now you are able to make this more than a relationship. You give her that commitment that only few can give. You show her throughout a lifetime that she's been worth it. You cultivate your hard work and watch the true fun begin

Fear of Falling

I cannot change the things that have scarred me and left me feeling like damaged goods. I cannot alter the hell that I had to walk through to gain the experience and perspective that I have gained over the past 2 years. I also cannot change the notion that my mind, body and soul are different and exist in constant fear of a repetition of the events that left me in this internal prison I still live in. It's made me calloused and cold to affection. It's made effort and genuine singularity seem like distant, foreign entities. I can't shake my emotional damage. To be broken in the way I was broken, to feel empty in the way I felt empty never truly goes away. But I do see the pathway to a better tomorrow. To go down that path requires me to fall, to let fate and chance overwhelm my conscious restraints and give my soul a second to feel weightless. But I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I'm capable of letting anyone into the inner sactum of my mind and seeing how truly destroyed I once was. From a man on a ledge to a man with the will and strength to make it through every exhausting day and sleepless night. I still struggle with sleeping and that feeling of voidness  that hits me on holidays and never seems to go away no matter how I try. I want a normal life and to have normal institutions that others have but my fear of going through what I went through once again has me literally frightened to be sincere and open and genuine with the hopes of having a normal relationship because I don't feel that I can. I want to, need to, but don't think I'm capable. My friends definitely don't think that I can even remotely be the romantic relationship type but little do they know the pain I went thru to make me this way. No one knows what I've seen, felt and experienced. Because this is the only place where the mask can come off and where the me I used to be comes back to haunt the me I wish I was.