Crushed

I feel so disenfranchised it's ridiculous. From the start ... This was supposed to be an experience that I felt fully immersed in. However, I feel the opposite of that. She's allowed her to overstep her boundaries, question every single thing I say and do and to undercut me and completely make me feel obsolete. 

It fucking pisses me off that for months I've been saying this is how I'm feeling and I'm never taken seriously. If I speak up, and say what I think right now I'm going to be even more of an outsider than I am now. 

I don't think it's fair that she continues to do this and no one will stand up and see my side. 

The very thing I've been preparing my whole life for was fatherhood, and I feel that it has been completely stolen from me in nearly every aspect. It's a heartbreak that I can't explain. Every experience diluted and forcibly shared rather than cherished and done my way. 

You see world, you're no good. 

Boundaries

Never in my life have I struggled with such brazen disregard in my life. At every fork in the road there's a pushing effect that propels me in the wrong direction. 

I'm on a path that I've never seen taken in my life. He only male in my entire family to have a child and be there for them is a huge responsibility. I care about this little baby more than I've ever cared about anything ... I'll turn into Afghanistan to protect her, from all things. 

I think that the way to utterly disrespect someone is to disobey their wishes for their young child. Not to wait for the most opportune time to go against it. 

Right now, I feel as angry as I could possibly feel because of that and it makes me genuinely mad that once again what is wanted by those who have a say is ignored. I want to just scream and yell, but today, Moreso than any other days is teaching me not to do that. 

I'm trying to learn and grow, I just wish others would try the same. 

Views from ...

Sometimes I wonder if I ever deserve her. If I deserve to be a part of her existence. If I deserve to be the person she thinks about when it all falls down. I wonder if I ever was or will be deserving of her love. I wonder if the monster that I am is ever going to be overcome by the love she shows for me ... If the veil that protects my facade is dying enough to endure. 

I consider all the what ifs and opportunities that could've been had I been better internally, a better person, a better man. Would I have betrayed her heart so beautifully? Would I have fulfilled every stair on the ascencion to her eternity? 

I blame myself for every misstep before her and for every single broken day after her.  It's hard for me to look in the mirror knowing, feeling, breathing. 

I hate the shortfalls my existence has brought. I hoped to never hurt her, to never leave her wondering or wanting. But indeed I already have. I feel like I'll never be more than a mere fill in for what she truly deserves; nothing more than a role player in the grand scheme of a franchise. 

I feel ... That I'll always finish just short of the expectations of my existence. That my mind will be an impediment tobecoming me.  

I pray for the future; that it never begins to resemble the pitfalls of my past. That it one day usurps the toxicity of my heart and propels me to chase what I know I can have. 

You're too good to be loved by me ... Always have and always will be.