I try every damn day to go to sleep much better than I was before. I go thru every single second, action, reaction and situation ready and willing to make the right decision.
Where I was at in my life, I wasn't ready for the role I so desperately wanted and needed to fill: being a man. I've tried so much to be more than a circumstance, a happening and a curse.
But NO MATTER HOW HARD I FUCKING TRY, I can't EVER seem to get the benefit of the FUCKING DOUBT.
I do nothing wrong, accused.
I stay away from the fray, accused.
I make the right choice, accused.
I begin to become more open and honest, accused.
I'm slightly withdrawn, accused.
I wish some of the people who continually condemn me, could live in my mind, my heart, my soul if not just for a day and feel the constant disappointment, anger and guilt I carry with me on my past decisions and mistakes.
You can't escape others who think down of you. They'll underestimate you, disrespect you, demean you and all the while look in your face and say that you mean something more to them than you ever truly will. They'll hold your past against you in a fleeting attempt at cyclical punishment; they'd rather tear you down with what you'll never become instead of praise you for what you are and try to be.
You will never be enough for these people, your past will forever be your present. They can never accept any sort of reproach from the other side. They can't support someone else who would rather die than fail.
They wear on you like an aging t-shirt.
I try to live my life like water, encompassing every thought, mindset and experience. I know I fall short on many things. Sitting here writing this currently I find myself pondering all of the decisions just around the river bend for me.
Who will I become, what will it take for me to get there.
How do I fight off the demons that stand by waiting for the bay doors to open?
