The Bottom

I'm so tired, I'm so, so broken. I'm tired of nights like these. I'm tired of messing up. I'm so damn tired of messing up. I'm so angry. I'm angry at myself more than I've ever been angry at anything or anyone. I hurt my best friend, the person I love, I messed up again. I'm so tired of mistakes. I'm tired of the way I was. I'm tired of my past haunting me in the present and in the future I'm trying to build. 

Do you know what it feels like to lose everything you've ever wanted, to lose sight of who you are and make the most grave mistakes? It's terrible. It's the worst feeling in the world. To know that you may have lost forever, the life you wanted to build, the dream, the love you had. 

Do you know what it feels like to not hear that you are loved? Let me tell you, it's the most sinking, voiding feeling in existence. 

I made a mistake. I once again did something that I'm not allowed to do. Everyone around me is entitled to feel the way they feel or say what they want but when I speak out in any aspect or capacity I'm demonized. I'm so tired. I'm wearing down and I feel more and more defeated. I'm fighting for it in every way. I'm fighting for the life, the house, the car, the family I want. I haven't ever wanted something so much. I fucking hate myself. I'm hate myself all the time for my mistakes, for what I am, who I am and that I create every fucking problem. That if it wasn't for me everyone around me would have a smoother existence. If only I could show everyone that I'm not the person I was. I'm so sorry, I'm so, so, so sorry for everything I've done. But at the same time, I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally always being the one to be castrated verbally and put on the outskirts. 

I've lost love, I lost me, I lost the best thing that will ever happen to me. I want nothing more than to earn it and I made a mistake. I'm so sorry. I'm went to the gym tonight, I needed to get away from the pain I created internally and around me, and the thoughts of me always fucking messing up. I don't want to feel like this. I'm tired of being scapegoated, of me putting myself in the position for her to blow up, go off and say the things I know she's eventually going go say. It's my fault and I continue to let it always be.  

I'm tired of breaking my own heart

I'm tired of hurting her

I'm tired of setting myself back 

I'm so tired

I need to move out, disappear, become a ghost. It's the only way she will be happy and have the family and life she wants to have. 

She's not a relationship person and I want a relationship with her. I want to marry her, I want her to be the franchise piece of my existence and she doesn't want that. So I need to accept reality that I'll be nothing more but always something less ... my time in her life has seemingly run out. I'm of very little value to her and don't bring anything to the table she can't find elsewhere in greater, more consistent quantities. I'll never be what she wants ... 

I Need ...

What if I'm really just a fucked up piece of shit? 

What if I'm never what she deserves or needs? What if I'm never worth her belief in me ... 

I've destroyed myself over the continued actions and irresponsible impulses I've had. The last 6 nights of "sleep" have been crushing. I've gone through every stage of my process and I come out of each hating myself more. 

I can't look her in the eyes because I see the pain I've put there over the last 2 years. I wish she would come across the aisle and start a conversation that isn't based in what's wrong with me or what I'm thinking. 

I'm thinking about being better. Thinking about how much I deserve the full brunt of her hatred. I'm thinking about never being enough for her to fly. I'm thinking about failing the two of them again. I'm thinking, wishing, praying that I was born different, that I didn't live with this hell everyday. That I didn't project every emotional hurricane onto her. That my subconscious reaction to everything wasn't to run and hurt her so heavily that she won't even sleep near me, much less even touch me. 

I want to feel her energy once again. I want to feel her. For her to feel me again. I've cried like I've never cried; I've broken down to my lowest tier in years. I've never felt like this before. Inside my mind I feel dead and gone. I feel like my heart has already broken because deep down she's already left but hasn't yet come to say it. 

I'm wholly empty, depressed and empty. I can't really eat regularly and I feel the darkness that consumed me coming back in a more treacherous way. She's everything to me. And I let her down once again today. Every time I open my mouth and speak, I let her down, break her heart or violate her expectations. 

I'm vulnerable in a way that I can't really understand. The pressure, the weight of everything has broken my back, spirit and emotional complex. I feel as if she's got the keys to the rest of my life in her hands and she's closer to tossing them out by the wayside than turning the engine on and taking this trek with me. 

She's exhausted of my BPD, my excuses, my bullshit. She thinks I don't feel it, that I don't care. But I do. I feel horrible for everything I do, EVERYTHING I've done. I just want to grab her, kiss her, hold her and feel her heartbeat and show her that I want more than anything to break the cycle, to be something to her for the first time. To be a man, an adult, healthy. 

Her distance drains me of hope, it drains me of any feeling of love that she has for me. Thinking about it right now has brought me to the brink of an emotional low that I've become all too familiar with. 

I don't know what to do to get thru to her, to help her heal and to find her love once again. 

I'm so tired of fucking this up. I'm tired of making her feel like this, for giving her every reason to do the very thing that would decompose my soul ...