I always thought that I didn't care what people thought about me.
I was wrong.
I feel so hurt right now, so misunderstood.
I'm not dangerous, I'm not unstable. I am as in control of myself as anyone could ever be. I'm in tears writing this because I only wish people would take the time to get to know the man I am, not the mistakes I've made. It's an unfair assumption that I am not in control or that I'm crazy. I am not crazy. I'm as far from that word as humanly possible. I feel absolutely devastated.
This will be my last post on this blog, more than likely for good. I don't see myself being able to express how I feel, or truly open myself up and expose the person I am becoming without unfair and incorrect judgement by those who won't even take time to learn just a little about the man I am becoming. I have made mistakes, I have struggled with depression and borderline personality disorder. I am in treatment for both, I am overcoming my demons and the skeletons in my past. I'm not who I was, or what I've done. All I want to do right now is cry, its all I'm able to do.
Everything I have ever posted on here was true, it was real and it was always my honest opinion and reflection on things. I haven't lied, fabricated or even remotely mislead anyone who has ever read my words on here. For those who have taken away the wrong impression about me, my character or my stability I apologize that I have ever made it seem like those were true. I'm sorry for the person I was and the things I've done that have made it harder to give me the benefit of the doubt. I'm so sorry.
Take a chance, have an interaction with me and you'll see the man I am today. I have more progress to make, but I am ready. I have more bouts with the evils that haunted me in the past but I am capable of defeating them and furthering my treatment. I am a greater man than anyone can truly know on this day. I regret the way I was, but the way I am, the person I am is amazing. If only you all would k=just give me the chance to show and prove that.
This blog kept me from making many bad decisions, slipping off the path to my goals and dreams and it saved my life. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't had a way to get things off of my chest. I wouldn't be in the place I'm in. Again, I'm sorry to all of you for the mistakes I've made. I am not going back to that person. I am a man in the truest sense of the word but I still wish I could take back my past, it's making it hard for my future to take shape because of my grave mistakes.
Goodbye to all of you and thank you for listening to a man who didn't really know how to hear himself beneath all of the pain he held for so long.
Sincerely, Raymond.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Thoughts
Since Tuesday night my mind has been racing.
I've been broken and crying over Uncle Mike because Friday looms and draws closer and I've been praying for any type of miracle, any progress to keep him with us down here on earth.
I feel as if I've been sleepwalking these last two days. My heart is heavy and my mind is not here right now.
My body physically feels sicker than I've felt in a while because of all these thoughts. I'm wondering, I'm afraid, I'm worrying.
This mornings post has stuck in my head. Just glad I've overcome all of the demons of my past. There may be moments where they rear their ugly heads, but I'm not going to let them out of their grave. I've buried them and I've progressed and healed from them.
This saying has stuck with me: "It takes a million to feel the same feeling you felt with the one, a million others won't ever be enough but the one is more than you'll ever need"
It's ringing true for me.
I just wanna talk to you today, hear your voice, feel that warmth inside. I miss talking to you!
These three songs have been on repeat for me. I can't wait until next semester and all of the surprises I have in store, all of the adventures I've already begun to plan. I'm excited to go these things and make memories that last a lifetime. I'm ready to build a life and forge a forever.
I've been broken and crying over Uncle Mike because Friday looms and draws closer and I've been praying for any type of miracle, any progress to keep him with us down here on earth.
I feel as if I've been sleepwalking these last two days. My heart is heavy and my mind is not here right now.
My body physically feels sicker than I've felt in a while because of all these thoughts. I'm wondering, I'm afraid, I'm worrying.
This mornings post has stuck in my head. Just glad I've overcome all of the demons of my past. There may be moments where they rear their ugly heads, but I'm not going to let them out of their grave. I've buried them and I've progressed and healed from them.
This saying has stuck with me: "It takes a million to feel the same feeling you felt with the one, a million others won't ever be enough but the one is more than you'll ever need"
It's ringing true for me.
I just wanna talk to you today, hear your voice, feel that warmth inside. I miss talking to you!
These three songs have been on repeat for me. I can't wait until next semester and all of the surprises I have in store, all of the adventures I've already begun to plan. I'm excited to go these things and make memories that last a lifetime. I'm ready to build a life and forge a forever.
Bad reflections
I rarely go on twitter much anymore. Too many negatives came out of that old page, that alternate identity.
But as I was scrolling on my computer, I came across something that Borg disgusted and hit me like a fastball to the ribs. The way Corey talks about, demeans, devalues and minimizes Kaitlyn by his shameless actions on social media make me sick. There were times I stopped to that level. I see now that I was in the absolute wrong. Even though I may have seen it as innocent, it isn't about what I see. In a relationship, what your significant other sees is more important than how you see it. Because its not affecting you, it's not planting seeds of doubt or untying the trust built. I did so many stupid things. I acted like a pompous jackass at times and was implement childish in the ways I handled some stuff. I said inappropriate things and shouldn't have ever let those conversations ever progress to that point. I was a shameful example of a man, I was down at the level those men people laugh and call a joke were at. I was nearly Corey, which is a travesty in and of itself.
Social media has taken a huge backseat in my life over the past 2 months.
Mustafa is dead and gone.
I use that term because that was the mask I used to hide behind on twitter. No longer.
I can't ever again allow myself to be comparable to Corey's actions in relation to Kaitlyn. He is the man that society expects from a black male. Don't get me wrong he's a great friend but I can't e that man.
For so long I held anger and resentment toward society for how low their expectations were, but through my anger, pain, insecurity and emotional instability I became the societal expectation I sought to eradicate. I became the stereotype instead of focusing on living above the standard set by society.
My ability to see what wasn't there has enhanced my perception and what's real and fake in life. I know this is real, I'm real. I'm the man I always spoke of being but didn't think I'd ever be when I look back on it. I thought it would just be a natural progression but it takes hard work to get to this point.
I'm redeeming, I'm forgiving and I've released the hate in my heart. I'm now better than I ever was. But I'm not as good as I'm going to get.
Walking the line back to home. I wanna come home.
"You be my glass if wine, I'll be your shot of whiskey ... You be my honeysuckle I'll be your honey bee."
But as I was scrolling on my computer, I came across something that Borg disgusted and hit me like a fastball to the ribs. The way Corey talks about, demeans, devalues and minimizes Kaitlyn by his shameless actions on social media make me sick. There were times I stopped to that level. I see now that I was in the absolute wrong. Even though I may have seen it as innocent, it isn't about what I see. In a relationship, what your significant other sees is more important than how you see it. Because its not affecting you, it's not planting seeds of doubt or untying the trust built. I did so many stupid things. I acted like a pompous jackass at times and was implement childish in the ways I handled some stuff. I said inappropriate things and shouldn't have ever let those conversations ever progress to that point. I was a shameful example of a man, I was down at the level those men people laugh and call a joke were at. I was nearly Corey, which is a travesty in and of itself.
Social media has taken a huge backseat in my life over the past 2 months.
Mustafa is dead and gone.
I use that term because that was the mask I used to hide behind on twitter. No longer.
I can't ever again allow myself to be comparable to Corey's actions in relation to Kaitlyn. He is the man that society expects from a black male. Don't get me wrong he's a great friend but I can't e that man.
For so long I held anger and resentment toward society for how low their expectations were, but through my anger, pain, insecurity and emotional instability I became the societal expectation I sought to eradicate. I became the stereotype instead of focusing on living above the standard set by society.
My ability to see what wasn't there has enhanced my perception and what's real and fake in life. I know this is real, I'm real. I'm the man I always spoke of being but didn't think I'd ever be when I look back on it. I thought it would just be a natural progression but it takes hard work to get to this point.
I'm redeeming, I'm forgiving and I've released the hate in my heart. I'm now better than I ever was. But I'm not as good as I'm going to get.
Walking the line back to home. I wanna come home.
"You be my glass if wine, I'll be your shot of whiskey ... You be my honeysuckle I'll be your honey bee."
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
The Time Draws Nearer
I have had a very breathtaking day. A great counseling session, then drove through Oak Creek to Sedona. It was my first time in that city and it was absolutely breathtaking. The red rocks and the canyon atmosphere was amazing. That was something you see in a movie, but don't ever think to see in real life. With every adventure I take through Northern Arizona, I grow to love it more and more. I can't wait to go to Olde town in Prescott and Cottonwood like I did today in Sedona. I saw this hilarious red full body longjohn that was in an old country store and I am going to buy it next time I head down. I want to go down there and do so much that I saw today and I am excited to venture down there again!
I want to build my future here and I can't wait to start building it and earning my place in this community. I didn't ever think I would find a place that changed how I thought about nature but this place makes me want to camp, fish, hunt. I want to learn the land and explore it like I haven't at any other time. I want to wear camo and actually feel like I have earned the right to wear it. I always thought I would end up being some big city, indoor hermit but now, after everything I've seen, the way in which my perspectives, values and dreams have shifted, I can't wait to take these adventures. Driving through the country has become my favorite activity. It is where I can listen to my favorite songs, turn the AC on and cruise until god tells me to head home. Love is life, life is love.
I cannot wait to build the life I see here. To grow and prove myself to the world, to nature and to the old ways of thinking. I want to live here and grow old in Flagstaff, my heart is here, my soul is here.
This is a reset. This is a second chance to earn it all. I love everything about Flagstaff. That day is coming. It is making sense here and now. It is right in sight and within grasp. It may not have made sense before this week but it is clear. It is a sign from god that it is the path, it is right, natural and pure. It is beautiful.
"The beauty we see around us reflects the beauty we see within ourselves. If we are beautiful on the inside, we can create beauty out of ugliness in our realities. We can construct and build where others may not see it. Doubt will fade and hesitance can be relieved. When you feel and see beauty, the things you see become more possible, less toxic and better then they ever were thought to be capable of being."
I want to build my future here and I can't wait to start building it and earning my place in this community. I didn't ever think I would find a place that changed how I thought about nature but this place makes me want to camp, fish, hunt. I want to learn the land and explore it like I haven't at any other time. I want to wear camo and actually feel like I have earned the right to wear it. I always thought I would end up being some big city, indoor hermit but now, after everything I've seen, the way in which my perspectives, values and dreams have shifted, I can't wait to take these adventures. Driving through the country has become my favorite activity. It is where I can listen to my favorite songs, turn the AC on and cruise until god tells me to head home. Love is life, life is love.
I cannot wait to build the life I see here. To grow and prove myself to the world, to nature and to the old ways of thinking. I want to live here and grow old in Flagstaff, my heart is here, my soul is here.
This is a reset. This is a second chance to earn it all. I love everything about Flagstaff. That day is coming. It is making sense here and now. It is right in sight and within grasp. It may not have made sense before this week but it is clear. It is a sign from god that it is the path, it is right, natural and pure. It is beautiful.
"The beauty we see around us reflects the beauty we see within ourselves. If we are beautiful on the inside, we can create beauty out of ugliness in our realities. We can construct and build where others may not see it. Doubt will fade and hesitance can be relieved. When you feel and see beauty, the things you see become more possible, less toxic and better then they ever were thought to be capable of being."
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Why?
What does it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul?
Why value progress, push for change and be told you will go from there when it was all just a lie?
Why become the best you've ever been just to be told that what you were is still more important than who you are?
Why have a dream? Why fight when you're told you're never going to deserve it?
Why atone for your mistakes when that is all you're judged by?
Why is it that when I can look past someone's mistakes and see the value, the love, the life in them but they refuse to accept the condition I am living with and see me for the progress I have made, for the man I've become?
Why work to make yourself valuable to everyone again, to make yourself the man you need to be only to be thrown away like common garbage?
Why love perfectly when they only appear to love you on the surface?
Why make promises and then deny the truth?
Why lie to yourself?
Why try?
Why am I different only to be told that I am the same as I always was?
Why become one with myself when I'm judged by a double standard?
Why be morally right and live in a morally wrong world?
Why can't I prove myself?
Why can't I earn it?
Why can't I prove what is thought to be right, wrong?
Why can't someone redeem themselves?
Why believe in the future when all that is thrown in your face is the past?
Why do they do it to you yet if the tables were turned you wouldn't do it to them?
Why love?
Why shouldn't I give up?
Why not quit and be defeated?
Why is it still worth it to me?
Why not fade back into the pit?
Why not quit on everything I'm working to earn?
Why not allow myself to regress back into the monster?
Why fight for what I know can be beautiful?
Why stand when everyone around you tells you you must sit?
Why open the door if no one is there?
Why?
Why value progress, push for change and be told you will go from there when it was all just a lie?
Why become the best you've ever been just to be told that what you were is still more important than who you are?
Why have a dream? Why fight when you're told you're never going to deserve it?
Why atone for your mistakes when that is all you're judged by?
Why is it that when I can look past someone's mistakes and see the value, the love, the life in them but they refuse to accept the condition I am living with and see me for the progress I have made, for the man I've become?
Why work to make yourself valuable to everyone again, to make yourself the man you need to be only to be thrown away like common garbage?
Why love perfectly when they only appear to love you on the surface?
Why make promises and then deny the truth?
Why lie to yourself?
Why try?
Why am I different only to be told that I am the same as I always was?
Why become one with myself when I'm judged by a double standard?
Why be morally right and live in a morally wrong world?
Why can't I prove myself?
Why can't I earn it?
Why can't I prove what is thought to be right, wrong?
Why can't someone redeem themselves?
Why believe in the future when all that is thrown in your face is the past?
Why do they do it to you yet if the tables were turned you wouldn't do it to them?
Why love?
Why shouldn't I give up?
Why not quit and be defeated?
Why is it still worth it to me?
Why not fade back into the pit?
Why not quit on everything I'm working to earn?
Why not allow myself to regress back into the monster?
Why fight for what I know can be beautiful?
Why stand when everyone around you tells you you must sit?
Why open the door if no one is there?
Why?
Strength
Strength isn't playing the "too cool" act. Strength isn't being too prideful. Nor is it trying to be "manly" and not being willing or able to express your feelings, emotions or open up and allow yourself to seem less than what you put off.
Strength is knowing you are broken, vulnerable and in pain but allowing others to see you and lift you up when you can't hold yourself up.
I learned this lesson. I was guilty of not knowing what strength was. I didn't know how to truly be strong.
I regret that I was so jaded, that I had such a flawed perception of who I could be and what I could become. I thought my past defined me, my mistakes and past experiences dictated who I could become but they don't and won't.
I'm living proof of it.
Change is real. It's very hard as many people may not think its capable. But if you can change I can change.
Change isn't about just acting, behaving and looking different. It's about your perspectives, the lens you see through, the feeling deep in your soul that you know you have changed. When your priorities finally fall in the order you know they belong in, when you can put pride aside and admit when you were wrong and do what it takes to make things right.
Change is strength.
Who I was isn't who I am or who I have to be. I'm better than that and I'm better than I ever was. I feel right inside for the first time in my entire life.
I've had many epiphanies but this one hit home the most. So I'm going to keep dreaming, because this dream is becoming a reality day after day. It's turning what was once cold, dark and ugly into something bright, vibrant and beautiful. The baggage was lost in flight. There isn't any need to contact me if they ever find it. Because I'm much better off without all those bags I carried.
I learned to swim, I eat beef again, I drink coffee, I listen to nearly 100% country music(I'm trying to write a country song haha), I go hiking, I have found my faith again, I kill bugs, I am learning to play the guitar, I'm comfortable in my own skin anywhere I go, I want to go to concerts and events all over the place. I look myself in the mirror and see a different me than I've ever seen before, I'm the best I've ever been.
I'm ready for the next leg of the journey, this one will be the most precious part, the best part and the one worth earning the most.
The future is bright, it's just down the road.
It didn't seem possible months ago, but I'm a man, in the truest sense. I know what I must do and how it feels to be right within myself, to be free of all of the things that tormented me. They're no longer going to creep back into my life and cause discord.
Welcome to the future.
Where love is the mortar, life is the focus and the experiences shared are what matter most, where two become one, where the beauty sees the beast become the prince.
Strength is knowing you are broken, vulnerable and in pain but allowing others to see you and lift you up when you can't hold yourself up.
I learned this lesson. I was guilty of not knowing what strength was. I didn't know how to truly be strong.
I regret that I was so jaded, that I had such a flawed perception of who I could be and what I could become. I thought my past defined me, my mistakes and past experiences dictated who I could become but they don't and won't.
I'm living proof of it.
Change is real. It's very hard as many people may not think its capable. But if you can change I can change.
Change isn't about just acting, behaving and looking different. It's about your perspectives, the lens you see through, the feeling deep in your soul that you know you have changed. When your priorities finally fall in the order you know they belong in, when you can put pride aside and admit when you were wrong and do what it takes to make things right.
Change is strength.
Who I was isn't who I am or who I have to be. I'm better than that and I'm better than I ever was. I feel right inside for the first time in my entire life.
I've had many epiphanies but this one hit home the most. So I'm going to keep dreaming, because this dream is becoming a reality day after day. It's turning what was once cold, dark and ugly into something bright, vibrant and beautiful. The baggage was lost in flight. There isn't any need to contact me if they ever find it. Because I'm much better off without all those bags I carried.
I learned to swim, I eat beef again, I drink coffee, I listen to nearly 100% country music(I'm trying to write a country song haha), I go hiking, I have found my faith again, I kill bugs, I am learning to play the guitar, I'm comfortable in my own skin anywhere I go, I want to go to concerts and events all over the place. I look myself in the mirror and see a different me than I've ever seen before, I'm the best I've ever been.
I'm ready for the next leg of the journey, this one will be the most precious part, the best part and the one worth earning the most.
The future is bright, it's just down the road.
It didn't seem possible months ago, but I'm a man, in the truest sense. I know what I must do and how it feels to be right within myself, to be free of all of the things that tormented me. They're no longer going to creep back into my life and cause discord.
Welcome to the future.
Where love is the mortar, life is the focus and the experiences shared are what matter most, where two become one, where the beauty sees the beast become the prince.
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