I just feel like giving up and giving in constantly. It's been 3 months, and she looks to find any and all things to continue on angry and punishing me. For 3 years I was as imperfect and damaged as a person can possibly be; and I matter how much I progress and push, I feel like I'm forever going to have it held against me. No matter what she pulls away further. She resents me more and more. Excludes me from her life and from the baby's life. I feel like the worst parent on the planet because I can't see her when I want. She is held away from me ... kept at enough distance where it can be my fault.
I feel unsupported, left abandoned to rot in my hole while everyone else gets to feel alive. I am left with a hard floor and pillows that remind me of what I've already lost and sadly, I feel more and more, will completely lose. This prison sentence, this exile weighs on my heart and head like a virus coursing through my veins.
I don't know if I'm spiritually, physically or emotionally able to keep pushing anymore. I'm doing everything I can to try and stay above water, to keep my mind from slipping to that dark place. But how do you keep pushing for positive when the Demons of suicide, mental health issues and depression are the bed you're left to burn in. My biggest fear in life was being left to lie and die alone in my mind and soul; she left me ... to corrode away and slip into nothingness; like I deserve.
Nothing kills me more inside than feeling she's perfectly fine without me. I feel that I'll never be able to get her back, to get my family back.
I'm not giving up, but I don't do nights well, I don't do this, this purgatory well. I'm not complete without them.
All I want is them, and all I can't have, is them.
