It's like being trapped in Bane's pit. Everything I think, how I see, how I rationalize is fucked up. And it's not me just saying it. It's me judging from the sheer amount of times I've been attacked and criticized for things I've done leads me to believe that. I'm not this person that doesn't feel pain when I hurt others. I feel it so much more powerfully, more aggressively than others. And you're fuckin right; I can't handle when people come at me in an attacking style because my mind just shuts down, it blocks everything out and makes it impossible for people to ever be able to understand because that's all that was done to me when I was little. Yelling. It's all I know how to do. It's how I get people to stop, it's how I knew things in life. They were yelled at me.
It's exactly like that pit Bane grew up in. It's a dark place. It's very isolated to me. It's like a black hole and all that's in it is nothingness. Just a despondent kid that can't seem to understand basic human concepts of interaction and intimacy. I struggle with my libido, with feeling like a sexual being, with liking the whole idea of sex. Then on the other side of the coin I feel hyper sexualities. I feel like this animal that craves human flesh. And my mind controls all of that. I know a lot of people say that their mind made them do it but to me, I truly do have that voice inside my head. I have an entire set of voices. Of things that go on outside the realm of sheer imagination. There are days I feel violent and confrontational. There are days where I'm super passive and want no arguments or commotion.
I can't regulate my emotions and just be emotionally connected with people consistently. I struggle with just being able to be touched by people. That's how bad my anxiety attacks and state of panic are within me.
That I just live in this solitary dark out mentally and no matter the hopes I have, no matter what I do, whether right or wrong; I can't seem to ever escape my flaws and the things that make me lesser of a man because I don't know what it's like to be a man. I never learned that. I never learned the little nuances of manhood. I never learned what the difference between fucking someone, having sex with someone and making love to someone was until I was well into adulthood. Even now I struggle with the three actions.
I don't know a lot about being a normally socialized 20-something because from birth I haven't had the same experiences, socializations or even examples of love and loving the right way. I don't know if I'll ever be worth it. It's why I've told you to run, it's why I know for a fact I never deserved you in the first place. It's why I can't seem to get out of my own way.
I'm truly addicted to self destruction because all I can do is harm. I can't seem to be able to routinely accept emotional damage I've done. I can't seem to be emotional because it's like a completely foreign concept to me. I've spent so long being this stone faced piece of shit ... I know not how to resemble rose that grew from the concrete garden. Because I feel that I am the concrete, not the rose.
