The Pit

Has someone ever told you everything you already hated about yourself? In a way that ignites the pain you struggle daily to keep at bay? That reminds you that you're a worthless, fuckin piece of shit that nobody ever really wanted? So deep that you remember every low point you ever had and it hits you like a brick to the skull? That the one person you pray and dream will believe in you and understand you pushes you further into the pit of hate you spent years climbing out of? That their opposition to you always makes you feel how you feel, not your own actions?

I can't fully explain what I deal with or how I cope but it's never going to work. I'll never be enough for someone that already has enough someone's. I'm a fractured character and a soul so broken that there may literally be no way out. 

Tonight brought everything back to the surface. The hatred she carries for me, the reminder that everyone you've ever tried to believe in greater than yourself hates your very existence. That the instruments that broke you, that buried you, will always be lent to your shortcomings as a person. 

I feel like everything I say, express and feel is chalked up as bullshit by her. She's lost the faith in me to listen to my tears and see the brokenness I experience. 

She's lost the ability and the faith to care like she did back then, before I lost my mask to the world. I close myself off more and more, it's wrong and hurts her heart unimaginably. I open up and fully express myself and it hurts her even more so. 

It hurts me even more so. I'm the one who's required to change, to be something else, something more palatable. I need to be a different me. A me I've never been ... a me that may not actually exist in time.

I need to hate myself less than every memory and every rekindled, soul breaking experience I aim to suppress and ignore every day, causes me to do.  

Disintegrating.

When the chips are down ... is when I see her real vision of me. 

She's absolutely right:

I ruined her entire life.

There isn't a girl who's interacted with me who's not despised my sheer existence afterward. 

I'm a psychotic piece of shit. 

I push her closer to wanting to die. 

I don't know what a "healthy" relationship is. 

I can't possibly say what I feel without playing the victim. 

My family is unsupportive as a whole. 

I can't understand the hyper-dependent nature of her family. 

I can never put myself in that place. 

I'm a hypocrite. 

I'm the reason for every disagreement and argument we've ever had. 

I'll never be stable. 

I've never shown her affection without sex in the equation. 

I'm quick to irritation. 

I'm a shameless misogynist. 

I create every problem. 

I'm not enjoyable to be anywhere near. 

I'm a miserable man child. 

I'm the reason for every negative feeling she has. 

I made her genuinely hate me. 

I'm the reason it's so easy for her to get personal during an argument. 

I'm the reason the argument never has a solution or conclusion. 

I'm the reason we "had" to move to Tucson. 

I can't handle or manage money. 

I'm disrespectful. 

I'm a horrible listener. 

I'm only emotionally open when I'm trying to make amends. 

The things that make me uncomfortable or bother me are nonsensical. 

I have no place discussing many of the things I bring up. 

I made her do that thing and she'll always hate me for it. 

I'm the reason we are where we are. 

I'm in truth, the worst fucking person many of you will meet. I have very few redeemable qualities and will never be "healthy" enough to prosper in life. I refuse the "help" I so desperately need and my 'biases' make me the last person on earth who deserves to have an opinion. I'm at my breaking point because every time I try to open up and be vulnerable and honest about things I get silenced and shoved back into the place designated for me. 

She claims I only love to play the victim but every time I speak on something she makes it a point to victimize me by taking every subject and making it a direct assault on my character, who I am as a person and the dumbass, psychotic things about me. 

The pain I feel inside on a daily basis is already enough to numb me to the world. It's suffocating more often than not. But when I express and try to balance my state I am met with her hatred of me as a construct and a human being. She goes to a place that I never find myself going to in the grips of an argument. And it's always something new that is wrong with me. It's always someone who she perceives as better in her eyes. 

I'm just going to accept that I'll never, ever be of the importance they are. I'll never take my precedence because it doesn't exist. I've made so many people hate me and resentful of experiencing me in their lives that it is what I get and the most I deserve ...