Caught in the Hurricane

Nights like these are the ones that used to paralyze me and render me empty and incapable of feeling like tomorrow would come ... I miss my life. I miss being loved. I miss seeing my baby girls every day. It'll be October before I probably get to see them again. 

I just feel like giving up and giving in constantly. It's been 3 months, and she looks to find any and all things to continue on angry and punishing me. For 3 years I was as imperfect and damaged as a person can possibly be; and I matter how much I progress and push, I feel like I'm forever going to have it held against me. No matter what she pulls away further. She resents me more and more. Excludes me from her life and from the baby's life. I feel like the worst parent on the planet because I can't see her when I want. She is held away from me ... kept at enough distance where it can be my fault. 

I feel unsupported, left abandoned to rot in my hole while everyone else gets to feel alive. I am left with a hard floor and pillows that remind me of what I've already lost and sadly, I feel more and more, will completely lose. This prison sentence, this exile weighs on my heart and head like a virus coursing through my veins. 

I don't know if I'm spiritually, physically or emotionally able to keep pushing anymore. I'm doing everything I can to try and stay above water, to keep my mind from slipping to that dark place. But how do you keep pushing for positive when the Demons of suicide, mental health issues and depression are the bed you're left to burn in. My biggest fear in life was being left to lie and die alone in my mind and soul; she left me ... to corrode away and slip into nothingness; like I deserve. 

Nothing kills me more inside than feeling she's perfectly fine without me. I feel that I'll never be able to get her back, to get my family back. 

I'm not giving up, but I don't do nights well, I don't do this, this purgatory well. I'm not complete without them. 

All I want is them, and all I can't have, is them. 

Monster in the Mirror

I'm going to write a book ... I feel that turning all of the writings I've compiled over the course of this excruciating lesson learned and breaking experience can be helpful not only to me but to others. This book can be my life's work, my Old and New Testament. I need to pour everything I have into being truthful, into giving my soul what it needs, closure and calm. I hope she will be proud of me ... I hope she will see.

My Prayer, My Wish

I wish that I had been in this mental space long ago. I wish I sill had the benefit of the doubt in her eyes. I wish that I would've been enough for myself to stop my reckless patterns. I wish I would've let her in, let her be enough for me rather than keeping her at bay. 

I wish she wouldn't obsess so much over 3 years ago. I wish she wasn't still so hurt by it. I wish I could remember everything vividly and didn't push those memories out of my mind. I try to tell her everything I remember but I didn't wanna remember those shitty decisions. I've shoved them out of my mind, my heart. And now, being asked about them, I try my best to remember but she doesn't feel I'm giving everything I have. But I can't remember everything about them because I didn't want to. They don't cross my mind. Ever. 

I wish she would tell me she wants to move forward. That she could see what these 30 days have done to my spirit, what they've brought into and out of my soul. 

I wish she would love me again, love me the way I dream about her loving me. I wish I wasn't such a fuck up she still wanted to tell me she loved me. I wish she would still want to see me. I wish so deeply that I wasn't the fragmented person I became because she's deserved more than I've given. 

She deserves more than the cheating, she deserves more than the constant lying, dishonesty and beating around the bush. July 2017 is forever burned into my eyes, my soul. I can never forget this heartbreak on both sides because this is what I've caused. This is what fuck ups like me cause. This is what I can't ever cause or plague her heart with again. She's the love of my life, the flower of my existence and I can't let her down anymore 

I wish so many things, I pray for them every night. I wish for you to want me back in your life. I wish for healing for us both, most importantly you. I wish that I'll get that call or text that you miss me and want me home. I wish you could see what my insides look like, what they feel like. I wish ... for you. You're my wish. You're my North Star, my Helen of Troy. You're my life, my beautiful, stunning, deserving, loyal, amazing life ... and I crave the day where our lips meet again. I crave the day you ask to see my heart, for all that's in it both black and light. I crave the day you want me to hold you again, to be your man again. I crave the day. I wish for it, I pray for it. 

Not that Simple, being with me

I've become a bit of a recluse. I must admit that I have fallen far from the path in which I was destined to reach in late 2012. I feel so numb toward the thing that I need the most and it kills me to feel this way once again. If only people could understand and see that I don't WANT to be this way. I wish nothing more than to be aligned properly. To have the right emotional and conversational complex. To not be so despondent, disconnected and numb.

I feel as if I live inside of this shroud of darkness, this cloud that becomes more permanent with every passing moment. It isn't something she deserves to deal with; the last time I was this low, I went down this road alone. It started me along a transformation that became a dream differed. I no longer feel I can articulate how I feel. I've regressed to this numb place and don't know how to pull myself back out of the pit that I worked so hard to escape from the first time.

Without her, there is no me, there is no true semblance of any type of life I would want. I die inside to show her that, to illustrate what I think but I have no way of displaying exactly what she means to me. She's the only shelter I've ever felt from this storm. She ... she is the definition of salvation, of my heartbeat. I love her in a way that makes me feel sick at the thought of not having her. She isn't my other half, she is my whole, my entire world.

But in the degradation of the purity of us, I have drifted, slowly eroded to a distant position that makes me feel inadequate and undesired in a way I have never experienced. I understand that I do not come first in the line of priority; something I can completely understand, accept and admire her for. More recently it seems like I'm not second, third or even fourth at times. It's as if, in the last nine months, when the time comes to make a sacrifice or cut something out that is too time consuming or too much, it is my soul on that block. I feel like everything that comes up takes so much of her soul and spirit from her that when it comes time for me, there isn't time.

I hate feeling like I get the shortest end. I hate feeling selfish and fucking disgusting for wanting more of her. I hate myself for putting her in this position to feel trapped by me. It is not the way I wish to live or exist. To feel as if I am an accessory and not an imperative is the worst feeling. I yearn to touch her, to connect with her soul again.

Living in this mental and emotional purgatory is nothing I would wish upon the person I held the most hatred toward. I feel that she's become disinterested in me. She says she isn't, she tells me to believe but a large part of me believes Friday wasn't an aberration. Her words cut me deeper than anything ever before it. I still see the hatred, the despair that she sees me with deep down when all of the layers are revealed. I don't know how to erase that from my mind. How to move forward and erase me. How to numb myself from my own emotions and find a new me. I want to change everything about myself to make her words of Friday seem more foreign than intimately personal. The sting of that walks with me daily. I tear up at the thought of Friday; I break down over and over at the visual memory of that night, of the words, of the hatred that came uncovered because of my inability to surrender the past of what we were.

I fear she's disinterested in me much more than simply physical. I feel that if I fight this war over the physical affection she has utterly no need or want for, that I will lose the battle for her soul, for her love.

Losing her love would be the biggest defeat my soul would ever incur. My heart would turn pitch black and cold if she ever walked away. I would self destruct and lose myself entirely without her.

I don't know how to not be selfish when it comes to her, I don't know how to accept my positioning and not push her further away by being angry that I come after so many other things at times.

I have realized that I am more insecure than I ever assumed I could be. My insecurities stem from my childhood, from my incorrectly designed brain and emotional complex. I wish I could be more confident when it comes to her, when it came to the decisions and damage I made. I feel hollow as a man, like I can and will never be enough to fulfill her. She ... she is the Franchise that I wish to build the world around. But I don't know why I feel like I'll fail. I don't know why I feel so insecure when it comes to her.

She is my kryptonite, and the thing that gives me strength all at the same time. In my brokenness, I have broken her. And the last thing I want to do is to make her walk through that hell again. Love has never been something I've been good at, or familiar with.

I don't know hot to tap into her soul again; how to make her fall in love with me again because for so long I pushed her out of love with me ...

And I'll always hate myself for it.

The Bottom

I'm so tired, I'm so, so broken. I'm tired of nights like these. I'm tired of messing up. I'm so damn tired of messing up. I'm so angry. I'm angry at myself more than I've ever been angry at anything or anyone. I hurt my best friend, the person I love, I messed up again. I'm so tired of mistakes. I'm tired of the way I was. I'm tired of my past haunting me in the present and in the future I'm trying to build. 

Do you know what it feels like to lose everything you've ever wanted, to lose sight of who you are and make the most grave mistakes? It's terrible. It's the worst feeling in the world. To know that you may have lost forever, the life you wanted to build, the dream, the love you had. 

Do you know what it feels like to not hear that you are loved? Let me tell you, it's the most sinking, voiding feeling in existence. 

I made a mistake. I once again did something that I'm not allowed to do. Everyone around me is entitled to feel the way they feel or say what they want but when I speak out in any aspect or capacity I'm demonized. I'm so tired. I'm wearing down and I feel more and more defeated. I'm fighting for it in every way. I'm fighting for the life, the house, the car, the family I want. I haven't ever wanted something so much. I fucking hate myself. I'm hate myself all the time for my mistakes, for what I am, who I am and that I create every fucking problem. That if it wasn't for me everyone around me would have a smoother existence. If only I could show everyone that I'm not the person I was. I'm so sorry, I'm so, so, so sorry for everything I've done. But at the same time, I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally always being the one to be castrated verbally and put on the outskirts. 

I've lost love, I lost me, I lost the best thing that will ever happen to me. I want nothing more than to earn it and I made a mistake. I'm so sorry. I'm went to the gym tonight, I needed to get away from the pain I created internally and around me, and the thoughts of me always fucking messing up. I don't want to feel like this. I'm tired of being scapegoated, of me putting myself in the position for her to blow up, go off and say the things I know she's eventually going go say. It's my fault and I continue to let it always be.  

I'm tired of breaking my own heart

I'm tired of hurting her

I'm tired of setting myself back 

I'm so tired

I need to move out, disappear, become a ghost. It's the only way she will be happy and have the family and life she wants to have. 

She's not a relationship person and I want a relationship with her. I want to marry her, I want her to be the franchise piece of my existence and she doesn't want that. So I need to accept reality that I'll be nothing more but always something less ... my time in her life has seemingly run out. I'm of very little value to her and don't bring anything to the table she can't find elsewhere in greater, more consistent quantities. I'll never be what she wants ... 

I Need ...

What if I'm really just a fucked up piece of shit? 

What if I'm never what she deserves or needs? What if I'm never worth her belief in me ... 

I've destroyed myself over the continued actions and irresponsible impulses I've had. The last 6 nights of "sleep" have been crushing. I've gone through every stage of my process and I come out of each hating myself more. 

I can't look her in the eyes because I see the pain I've put there over the last 2 years. I wish she would come across the aisle and start a conversation that isn't based in what's wrong with me or what I'm thinking. 

I'm thinking about being better. Thinking about how much I deserve the full brunt of her hatred. I'm thinking about never being enough for her to fly. I'm thinking about failing the two of them again. I'm thinking, wishing, praying that I was born different, that I didn't live with this hell everyday. That I didn't project every emotional hurricane onto her. That my subconscious reaction to everything wasn't to run and hurt her so heavily that she won't even sleep near me, much less even touch me. 

I want to feel her energy once again. I want to feel her. For her to feel me again. I've cried like I've never cried; I've broken down to my lowest tier in years. I've never felt like this before. Inside my mind I feel dead and gone. I feel like my heart has already broken because deep down she's already left but hasn't yet come to say it. 

I'm wholly empty, depressed and empty. I can't really eat regularly and I feel the darkness that consumed me coming back in a more treacherous way. She's everything to me. And I let her down once again today. Every time I open my mouth and speak, I let her down, break her heart or violate her expectations. 

I'm vulnerable in a way that I can't really understand. The pressure, the weight of everything has broken my back, spirit and emotional complex. I feel as if she's got the keys to the rest of my life in her hands and she's closer to tossing them out by the wayside than turning the engine on and taking this trek with me. 

She's exhausted of my BPD, my excuses, my bullshit. She thinks I don't feel it, that I don't care. But I do. I feel horrible for everything I do, EVERYTHING I've done. I just want to grab her, kiss her, hold her and feel her heartbeat and show her that I want more than anything to break the cycle, to be something to her for the first time. To be a man, an adult, healthy. 

Her distance drains me of hope, it drains me of any feeling of love that she has for me. Thinking about it right now has brought me to the brink of an emotional low that I've become all too familiar with. 

I don't know what to do to get thru to her, to help her heal and to find her love once again. 

I'm so tired of fucking this up. I'm tired of making her feel like this, for giving her every reason to do the very thing that would decompose my soul ...

Guess it takes some dirt

I've begun to reach that all too familiar place. My shame, coupled with the disdain I have for the person I see in the mirror has begun to devastate the facade that used to be me. I can't get past feeling like the piece of shit that I am. I've let the most amazing woman down in the most critically damaging way; I've let my daughter down and shown her the wrong way already in her life. 

I'm seeing my biggest fears realized through my own selfish, self destructive actions. 

This constant feeling of drowning is beginning to encompass me to the point that I'm losing everything I prayed to find. 

I always wanted to prove to myself that I wouldn't ever be my father, that I'd never be that low. When in actuality I'm lower. I'm the worst form of myself and I have been for a long time now. My "progress", my betterment has been on paper, it's been false. 

She's the woman I want to be buried next to, the person that's saved me from the darkest corners of my soul. I let her down terribly. And every time I say I'll be better. I say it so much that I actually believe it after bullshitting it enough. 

But in truth, I haven't pushed myself to change ... I can't look myself or anyone else in the eye and say I have tried, in a true sense to become better. 

My heart has been hardened for so long that the one person who came along and threatened to make me feel human again, I destroy her confidence, her heart ... so in some fucked up, piece of shit way, she feels like I feel? So I can bring her into my hell and make her feel at home? That's not what showing her the love I feel is. 

I feel like I'm breaking down in the most profound way. I feel like my mind is unraveling and my heart has finally found its deepest conscience. I look at the two of them and I know that I've failed them already. And the feeling of looking into my daughter's eyes and seeing her mother in there is gut wrenching. I feel broken-hearted knowing that I've hurt her in all of these ways. The problem has always and will always be me. 

She can't shoulder the burden of my dysfunction anymore. She can't bear the load that I drag behind me suppressed into my soul. 

I hate myself for everything I've done to her. She claims I spoil her and she doesn't deserve me. But the truth is that I don't deserve her. I give her the world any chance I can get because I've taken hers from her in such treacherous, callous ways. I've snatched her security, safety and soul from her on so many levels. If I had been better to her she never would have gotten into an accident. If I had been better to her she never would feel the constant flashbacks and pin of my every indecision, bad decision and overwhelming failure. 

If I could take back each and every one of them she would still be herself. She'd be the star in my universe she always has been, but she would shine brighter. 

If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't know this despair. She wouldn't know pain like I know it. 

I corrupted the one thing that has always wanted me to climb out of the pit. And for that ... I may not ever know how to truly forgive myself.