What about us?

I don't believe in people like I used to. I used to believe that people inherently knew when something was right, or when something was wrong. I used to think that they were creatures beyond capable of building trust over the course of time. But as I venture out more and more into the realm of my age group I see that this is ultimately a falsehood. The people in my age group aren't about the things that I value. Rather than face constant rebuttal from my peers for standing on the opposing side if this casualization, I have disguised myself as a happy member of this demographic. I hope and wish for waking up next to one person everyday. I detest interacting just to "fuck". I'm not built that way. Forcing myself to participate gets harder and harder each time. I care about people by default, which comes back to bite me in the ass. I'd rather care for someone and be there in the ups and downs rather than be there for some selfish, self serving, sex-centric reason. 

It seem like every girl I encounter is "not looking for anything". I'm not looking for anything either. But I haven't cut my mind, heart and soul off of the idea that something could prosper and develop right in front of my eyes. 

I don't know what happened to our generation, or how our minds were trapped in the way that they were, but I hope and pray that one day we can capture that magic back in the capsule that generations before is passed down. Relationships are work, projecting them, progressing them and cultivating them. It's hard to put yourself into that vulnerability. But without that vulnerability, we are voiding out lives of something that words can't accurately articulate. 

My generation suffers from an epidemic of narrowing our perspective and closing our minds and souls off from the thing that could transform the world we see daily. Trust is the cure, but no one is willing to work on the medicine. 

Fear of Me

I can honestly say that the man I am now, is a man that my former self would be both ashamed and proud to see. On one hand, I've become a better person, I think and see the world in a deeper way. But on the other hand, I've become a shell of my existence. I've become a man driven by fear. This fear simultaneously motivates and defeats me. 

I used to love the concept of love. I used to bask in the idea that one day, one person can walk into your life and make the picture a little clearer, a little brighter. However what I have seen through my time here is that it's the most frightening thing in all of fucking living. I now live in fear of commitment, I live in fear of honestly giving myself to someone else wholly and without restraint. I believed in love. But love made me the way I am now. Love made me into a cold, callous individual with no ability or capacity for genuine affection anymore. I dread deep conversation. I dread opening up. I live in constant denial and fear that I am the way I am supposed to be and it is not the case. I can mislead everyone around me, but at the end of the night, when I sit there staring at the sky in the midst of my conference of thoughts I can't hide it. I can't run from the truth, I can't hide from my own eyes. 

I've never been more afraid, of life, of love, of being whole. I dread it and there is nothing I can do to escape the hell I was cast down into.