Guess it takes some dirt

I've begun to reach that all too familiar place. My shame, coupled with the disdain I have for the person I see in the mirror has begun to devastate the facade that used to be me. I can't get past feeling like the piece of shit that I am. I've let the most amazing woman down in the most critically damaging way; I've let my daughter down and shown her the wrong way already in her life. 

I'm seeing my biggest fears realized through my own selfish, self destructive actions. 

This constant feeling of drowning is beginning to encompass me to the point that I'm losing everything I prayed to find. 

I always wanted to prove to myself that I wouldn't ever be my father, that I'd never be that low. When in actuality I'm lower. I'm the worst form of myself and I have been for a long time now. My "progress", my betterment has been on paper, it's been false. 

She's the woman I want to be buried next to, the person that's saved me from the darkest corners of my soul. I let her down terribly. And every time I say I'll be better. I say it so much that I actually believe it after bullshitting it enough. 

But in truth, I haven't pushed myself to change ... I can't look myself or anyone else in the eye and say I have tried, in a true sense to become better. 

My heart has been hardened for so long that the one person who came along and threatened to make me feel human again, I destroy her confidence, her heart ... so in some fucked up, piece of shit way, she feels like I feel? So I can bring her into my hell and make her feel at home? That's not what showing her the love I feel is. 

I feel like I'm breaking down in the most profound way. I feel like my mind is unraveling and my heart has finally found its deepest conscience. I look at the two of them and I know that I've failed them already. And the feeling of looking into my daughter's eyes and seeing her mother in there is gut wrenching. I feel broken-hearted knowing that I've hurt her in all of these ways. The problem has always and will always be me. 

She can't shoulder the burden of my dysfunction anymore. She can't bear the load that I drag behind me suppressed into my soul. 

I hate myself for everything I've done to her. She claims I spoil her and she doesn't deserve me. But the truth is that I don't deserve her. I give her the world any chance I can get because I've taken hers from her in such treacherous, callous ways. I've snatched her security, safety and soul from her on so many levels. If I had been better to her she never would have gotten into an accident. If I had been better to her she never would feel the constant flashbacks and pin of my every indecision, bad decision and overwhelming failure. 

If I could take back each and every one of them she would still be herself. She'd be the star in my universe she always has been, but she would shine brighter. 

If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't know this despair. She wouldn't know pain like I know it. 

I corrupted the one thing that has always wanted me to climb out of the pit. And for that ... I may not ever know how to truly forgive myself. 

Hate

I'm sitting here in the midst of the worst night of "sleep of my life" my soul is broken and I've done the worst damage to the greatest thing to ever happen to me. 

I hate myself more than I think I have ever hated myself. I feel that I don't deserve her love, or anything positive or beneficial. I hurt her and hurt her and hurt her. And for some fucked up reason she still sees the me I hope to be. She looks past the terrible person I am, the terrible, abhorrent things I do and somehow she loves me. 

That crushes me inside. Because she sees hope in someone who's never truly felt hope within themselves. I got better and more consistent and was opening up more and more ... only to fall flat on my face and destroy her trust and her heart. 

She is the best of me. My dreams and goals reside in her eyes, her lips and her smile. Three things I may never see again. I could lose the one thing that makes me feel like I can live. 

In the shroud of tears, hatred and anger at everything I've ever done to her, I feel like I'm going to die ... inside I feel as void as I've possibly ever felt. I don't deserve this amazing woman. I've shown that over and over and over. I don't have the right to hurt her like this. All she's ever tried to do was make me better and I've fucked that up at every turn. 

I can't let myself happen again. I can't let me take the one thing that has ever been incorruptible and pure in my existence and ruin it once more.