But in thy quest that's all I've been. I can't escape this hell, I never will be able to see a life outside of this pit I was developed in. No matter my successes, no matter how far I've come or will go; I will never be okay.
I've hurt so many amazing people in my life, family, friends, people I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. People who had their best intentions when I couldn't have the best mindset. She doesn't deserve to be treated like an afterthought. She doesn't deserve to deal with this roller coaster that is me. I can't save myself from myself. Years of counseling, years of effort to try to gain balance and I can't avoid the truth. I'm stuck like this. This is the curse bestowed upon me to counteract the gifts I've had at my disposal. For everything that I have done right, there's a longer list of things I've done wrong and people I've hurt. I still struggle to look people in the eyes; to maintain my breathing pattern, to be able to have normal relationships. All of that is my cross to bear. Mine to carry with me throughout life.
The pain of knowing you've crushed someone you truly, deeply, powerfully love is gut wrenching. It can't be explained in simple words; but for that hollowed out, empty feeling of knowing it's not supposed to be this way, few will ever know. I feel that, that hollowness. I feel it everyday. I've felt it, for quite a time now. And I wish only to have it gone. To backtrack, turn back time and capture that opportunity to escape when it was handed to me on a platter. To not dream about me dying, having no one there to show me that last moment of love. To have pushed away everything you've ever wanted and pay for it in your dying moments. That dream I had, was a premonition. It was a realization of all of my mistakes. If I die today, I know that those people won't be there to remember me. They will have exhausted all feeling and idea of me in hating me and pushing me out.
I can't fix what I've done, I can hardly fix what I am ...
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