Defeated

I feel like I'm trapped in a Bone Thugz song. 

"I try so hard, but can't seem to get away from misery" 

I'm as not shit as they come. I've lived a checkered, damaged life. I come from unsavory conditions. I'm what the world sends back; I'm a part of its unwanted, unappreciated inhabitants. 

People my entire life told me I couldn't. They told me I'd never. I fought that prophecy for countless years. So many nights I never saw an ending to. So many bottles I searched to find comfort and acceptance only to be reminded of what I was never going to become. 

My mind and body have grown weary and downtrodden with the strain of what life has thrown at me. I feel now, more so than ever the pains of my years. 

For forever and a day I will be the main source of the pain those around me experience. I lose days on end trapped in the storm. 

I'm pushed to the brink of the entire machine combusting. 

I hate feeling alone the way I do. I hate that it seems no one can truly relate or understand my biggest battles and fears. 

This is the only place the monster can speak its peace without misinterpretation, judgement or feeling like I will never just be enough for the world. 

As a man I never expected to make it this far. I never once thought I could gain this level of introspection and depth on myself. 

Three years ago I sat in a pool of the broken pieces of my soul and wondered why. Four years ago I almost succumbed to the demons and problems. Two years ago I number myself to the entire world. I became the pit that I came out of. 

I block out the pain as much as I can. Everyday I am a living reminder of what I will NEVER be. I'm a reminder that I'll never physically, mentally, spiritually or even character wise be enough. 

I just wish everything had been easy for me. That I had the same chance, the same starting blocks others had. That I wasn't so fucked up and not worth it. 

Maybe then people would appreciate me for what I work to be ... 

Maybe then, they'd miss me if I had gone