Me ... Myself & I

Sometimes I wonder what it's all worth. What monogamy really means; why it was never meant for human beings within our programming. 

I go thru every day feeling wrong for my emotions, desires and feelings. I am incomparably in love but still find myself torn between my old operation and the person I need to be for myself. 

I feel sexual attraction to women daily. All the time. Not even based off a single emotional or conversational attachment. 

Women I see in Passing I visualize. I feel this carnal, animalistic desire to fuck at times that creates this pit within my soul. I'm in love, I do love ... Powerfully. There is nothing more I could ever ask for or want, but I find myself mentally thinking about things others would stigmatize and condemn. 

It's not my fault my mind, body and soul see and feel sex the way it does. But there are levels of separation. Sex is a great time, a fun shared connection that has this extra-amazing feeling of ecstasy that encompasses you. 

Fucking is when you take sex and go the animalistic route. I constantly feel myself craving the flesh of female bodies, I long for the sensations, the aggression and the raw, unbridled power that fucking brings. It's a dangerous element to me. It's a sparked match and in gasoline ... But in a way that animalistic, carnal instinct keeps my desires at bay. I don't actually act on them but my feelings of sexual and metaphysical dominance make me feel inadequate as a human soul. 

Sexual identity and sexual processes have long been an issue with me. Being Borderline makes everything much more fragmented and highlighted than anyone can fathom. I end up feeling everything so much more aggressively and more sporadically than most can ever reckon. 

Sexuality is a constant battle for me. Because I do love her and there is no part of me that wants or needs anything but my mind draws me to it. It craves this sexually dominant grasp over my existence that I don't know if I'll ever keep or hold at bay ... 

I don't want to be perceived as a bad person because of the way I am wired. I don't want to have this aggressively sexualized side that can't truly ever be tamed but it is the deck of cards I deal with. I don't ever let myself take that dive and lose control, but I teeter at that line in frequent fashion and I fear my own mind. 

I wish, hope and pray that I may one day love to see a day where I am on the other side of it. But I don't know that that moment in time, that influx, is actually coming.