The Pit

Has someone ever told you everything you already hated about yourself? In a way that ignites the pain you struggle daily to keep at bay? That reminds you that you're a worthless, fuckin piece of shit that nobody ever really wanted? So deep that you remember every low point you ever had and it hits you like a brick to the skull? That the one person you pray and dream will believe in you and understand you pushes you further into the pit of hate you spent years climbing out of? That their opposition to you always makes you feel how you feel, not your own actions?

I can't fully explain what I deal with or how I cope but it's never going to work. I'll never be enough for someone that already has enough someone's. I'm a fractured character and a soul so broken that there may literally be no way out. 

Tonight brought everything back to the surface. The hatred she carries for me, the reminder that everyone you've ever tried to believe in greater than yourself hates your very existence. That the instruments that broke you, that buried you, will always be lent to your shortcomings as a person. 

I feel like everything I say, express and feel is chalked up as bullshit by her. She's lost the faith in me to listen to my tears and see the brokenness I experience. 

She's lost the ability and the faith to care like she did back then, before I lost my mask to the world. I close myself off more and more, it's wrong and hurts her heart unimaginably. I open up and fully express myself and it hurts her even more so. 

It hurts me even more so. I'm the one who's required to change, to be something else, something more palatable. I need to be a different me. A me I've never been ... a me that may not actually exist in time.

I need to hate myself less than every memory and every rekindled, soul breaking experience I aim to suppress and ignore every day, causes me to do.