I hate myself more than I think I have ever hated myself. I feel that I don't deserve her love, or anything positive or beneficial. I hurt her and hurt her and hurt her. And for some fucked up reason she still sees the me I hope to be. She looks past the terrible person I am, the terrible, abhorrent things I do and somehow she loves me.
That crushes me inside. Because she sees hope in someone who's never truly felt hope within themselves. I got better and more consistent and was opening up more and more ... only to fall flat on my face and destroy her trust and her heart.
She is the best of me. My dreams and goals reside in her eyes, her lips and her smile. Three things I may never see again. I could lose the one thing that makes me feel like I can live.
In the shroud of tears, hatred and anger at everything I've ever done to her, I feel like I'm going to die ... inside I feel as void as I've possibly ever felt. I don't deserve this amazing woman. I've shown that over and over and over. I don't have the right to hurt her like this. All she's ever tried to do was make me better and I've fucked that up at every turn.
I can't let myself happen again. I can't let me take the one thing that has ever been incorruptible and pure in my existence and ruin it once more.
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