What if I'm never what she deserves or needs? What if I'm never worth her belief in me ...
I've destroyed myself over the continued actions and irresponsible impulses I've had. The last 6 nights of "sleep" have been crushing. I've gone through every stage of my process and I come out of each hating myself more.
I can't look her in the eyes because I see the pain I've put there over the last 2 years. I wish she would come across the aisle and start a conversation that isn't based in what's wrong with me or what I'm thinking.
I'm thinking about being better. Thinking about how much I deserve the full brunt of her hatred. I'm thinking about never being enough for her to fly. I'm thinking about failing the two of them again. I'm thinking, wishing, praying that I was born different, that I didn't live with this hell everyday. That I didn't project every emotional hurricane onto her. That my subconscious reaction to everything wasn't to run and hurt her so heavily that she won't even sleep near me, much less even touch me.
I want to feel her energy once again. I want to feel her. For her to feel me again. I've cried like I've never cried; I've broken down to my lowest tier in years. I've never felt like this before. Inside my mind I feel dead and gone. I feel like my heart has already broken because deep down she's already left but hasn't yet come to say it.
I'm wholly empty, depressed and empty. I can't really eat regularly and I feel the darkness that consumed me coming back in a more treacherous way. She's everything to me. And I let her down once again today. Every time I open my mouth and speak, I let her down, break her heart or violate her expectations.
I'm vulnerable in a way that I can't really understand. The pressure, the weight of everything has broken my back, spirit and emotional complex. I feel as if she's got the keys to the rest of my life in her hands and she's closer to tossing them out by the wayside than turning the engine on and taking this trek with me.
She's exhausted of my BPD, my excuses, my bullshit. She thinks I don't feel it, that I don't care. But I do. I feel horrible for everything I do, EVERYTHING I've done. I just want to grab her, kiss her, hold her and feel her heartbeat and show her that I want more than anything to break the cycle, to be something to her for the first time. To be a man, an adult, healthy.
Her distance drains me of hope, it drains me of any feeling of love that she has for me. Thinking about it right now has brought me to the brink of an emotional low that I've become all too familiar with.
I don't know what to do to get thru to her, to help her heal and to find her love once again.
I'm so tired of fucking this up. I'm tired of making her feel like this, for giving her every reason to do the very thing that would decompose my soul ...
No comments:
Post a Comment