I've become a bit of a recluse. I must admit that I have fallen far from the path in which I was destined to reach in late 2012. I feel so numb toward the thing that I need the most and it kills me to feel this way once again. If only people could understand and see that I don't WANT to be this way. I wish nothing more than to be aligned properly. To have the right emotional and conversational complex. To not be so despondent, disconnected and numb.
I feel as if I live inside of this shroud of darkness, this cloud that becomes more permanent with every passing moment. It isn't something she deserves to deal with; the last time I was this low, I went down this road alone. It started me along a transformation that became a dream differed. I no longer feel I can articulate how I feel. I've regressed to this numb place and don't know how to pull myself back out of the pit that I worked so hard to escape from the first time.
Without her, there is no me, there is no true semblance of any type of life I would want. I die inside to show her that, to illustrate what I think but I have no way of displaying exactly what she means to me. She's the only shelter I've ever felt from this storm. She ... she is the definition of salvation, of my heartbeat. I love her in a way that makes me feel sick at the thought of not having her. She isn't my other half, she is my whole, my entire world.
But in the degradation of the purity of us, I have drifted, slowly eroded to a distant position that makes me feel inadequate and undesired in a way I have never experienced. I understand that I do not come first in the line of priority; something I can completely understand, accept and admire her for. More recently it seems like I'm not second, third or even fourth at times. It's as if, in the last nine months, when the time comes to make a sacrifice or cut something out that is too time consuming or too much, it is my soul on that block. I feel like everything that comes up takes so much of her soul and spirit from her that when it comes time for me, there isn't time.
I hate feeling like I get the shortest end. I hate feeling selfish and fucking disgusting for wanting more of her. I hate myself for putting her in this position to feel trapped by me. It is not the way I wish to live or exist. To feel as if I am an accessory and not an imperative is the worst feeling. I yearn to touch her, to connect with her soul again.
Living in this mental and emotional purgatory is nothing I would wish upon the person I held the most hatred toward. I feel that she's become disinterested in me. She says she isn't, she tells me to believe but a large part of me believes Friday wasn't an aberration. Her words cut me deeper than anything ever before it. I still see the hatred, the despair that she sees me with deep down when all of the layers are revealed. I don't know how to erase that from my mind. How to move forward and erase me. How to numb myself from my own emotions and find a new me. I want to change everything about myself to make her words of Friday seem more foreign than intimately personal. The sting of that walks with me daily. I tear up at the thought of Friday; I break down over and over at the visual memory of that night, of the words, of the hatred that came uncovered because of my inability to surrender the past of what we were.
I fear she's disinterested in me much more than simply physical. I feel that if I fight this war over the physical affection she has utterly no need or want for, that I will lose the battle for her soul, for her love.
Losing her love would be the biggest defeat my soul would ever incur. My heart would turn pitch black and cold if she ever walked away. I would self destruct and lose myself entirely without her.
I don't know how to not be selfish when it comes to her, I don't know how to accept my positioning and not push her further away by being angry that I come after so many other things at times.
I have realized that I am more insecure than I ever assumed I could be. My insecurities stem from my childhood, from my incorrectly designed brain and emotional complex. I wish I could be more confident when it comes to her, when it came to the decisions and damage I made. I feel hollow as a man, like I can and will never be enough to fulfill her. She ... she is the Franchise that I wish to build the world around. But I don't know why I feel like I'll fail. I don't know why I feel so insecure when it comes to her.
She is my kryptonite, and the thing that gives me strength all at the same time. In my brokenness, I have broken her. And the last thing I want to do is to make her walk through that hell again. Love has never been something I've been good at, or familiar with.
I don't know hot to tap into her soul again; how to make her fall in love with me again because for so long I pushed her out of love with me ...
And I'll always hate myself for it.
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