What my reflection has told me

I've thought quite a bit on this, this is my second exercise.
I am coming to grips with the things I have done. I carried on unfaithful conversations, although I was not truly in control of my emotions and my moods that does not alter my mistakes. I hurt you in a devastating way. I led you to question what you did wrong, what you didn't do in our relationship. The answer to that is nothing. You gave all of you and in my fears and mental confusion and anxiety I acted in ways I shouldn't have. Those girls I spoke to in that unacceptable, inappropriate, unfaithful way were not me sexually or emotionally wanting someone or something new. They were me crying out, for what I don't know. Ive spent since tuesday afternoon truly digging deep into myself for answers as to why. I used them as a crutch to help me get over my feelings of abandonment in my past, my feelings that you didn't think I was good enough. My feelings that you were going to leave me like many of the people that got close to me or had a major role in my life did at one point or another. I hurt you, I pissed you off and I devalued what we have. For that I am truly genuinely sorry. I don't know why I couldn't come to you and tell you about the things I was afraid of. The image of a man I leaned on growing up was one that was tough, never admitted he was scared and always kept a hard exterior. On the inside of me I was the opposite. I lived everyday scared that you would leave me or not love me anymore that in my compulsory paranoia I acted abnormally to mine and your standards. My emotions have flip flopped from day to day, month to month. Now I can't keep my emotions in because I no longer know how to. My actions of recent are me making an attempt to fix myself, but I now know the depth of what is truly happening within me. I needed much more help and guidance than I was aware of. I can't forgive myself just yet for my behaviors. Those actions are unacceptable and below that of which you deserve. I vow to give you the treatment you deserve as the woman I want to be with, it will never again fall below that expectation because of the help I am getting now to show me the ways in which I regulate my emotions and gain control and understanding of myself and my condition.