When I fell asleep last night

When I fell asleep, she was strong in my heart and in my mind. Kendall you are the sweetest dream, the most beautiful reality. There's 3 billion women on the planet and you are the only one I give my heart to. I've made plenty mistakes. Time and time again I messed up. It wasn't for account of me not loving you or wanting to spend the rest of my life without you. I had serious issues and problems that I was unaware of. I had problems controlling my emotions, anger, and moods. I had an issue with getting angry and being hurtful out of my fear of abandonment. You weren't leaving, I wasn't sure of that. I am paranoid an I didn't know how to cope with that or reign that in. I'm still ashamed of myself, I'm still upset with myself but the one thing I cannot do is hate myself, in turn giving up on myself. I want to love myself as much as I love you. And I love you a whole whole whole lot. I love everything about you. I'm so sorry hurt you. I'm sorry I've made you question and doubt. I say I know I can fix this, I know I can make this better and we can be better because I believe it. I see it in every day. I feel it in every breath. You need to heal, that's fine, I understand that. I've hurt you deeply. You deserve a better me, a better love and I will give that to you. My program over Xmas break is going to help me immensely. This week will be harder than last week but more progress will come from it. I can't wait until you hog my blanket again. Till you snore and sprawl out. I can't wait until I can dream of waking up and kissing you and telling you I love you, then actually getting to wake up and do it again. Staying strong is me keeping faith in us. Me keeping faith in love. I dream of you every night. I hold you, serenade you and kiss you in my dreams. I wake up and you aren't there and the worst pain hits me. The pain of my mistakes. I know you love me, I know you aren't going to sit around and wait forever. But you won't have to. I'm in my way to becoming regular and gaining control of my actions and behaviors. I love you Kendall Rae. I hope you still love me too. I miss you babe. So much. So so much.