Today

I woke up feeling even. Had some chest pain but I slowed my breathing and caught myself. While watching football today I put less focus on the game and tried to distract myself from it so that I wouldn't get too high or too low. I caught myself in the middle of a mood swing and got up, walked outside and took a few deep breaths and came back in. That was the first time I have ever felt one coming on. It was a weird sensation. My fingers started to get really hot and I had a turning feeling in my stomach. I feel proud of myself today for being able to identify it and stop it dead in its tracks.
I texted Kendall a good morning text and told her I loved her and missed her. She never replied. I started to have an anxiety attack but talked, opened my mouth and expressed out loud how I was feeling and why I was feeling that. I'm noticing that the more I vocalize how I'm feeling and the more I let people know the easier it is for me to combat it. I miss her so much. I miss every little thing about her. I'm so sorry that I hurt her, ever. I want to fix it but that will take time. But I know I can because I know how much she truly does love me. I know how much I love her. There's no doubting the feelings. It's the actions that must continue to change for the better like they have been for the past four months. I've had my bad moments but I'm continuously getting better. I'm learning more about myself and how I can gain control. I don't have to let BPD and my anxiety and fears dominate me. They don't have to be detriments like they were before I began counseling. I have to keep my eyes on the prize: gaining control of my life and regaining the trust of the woman I love that I will one day marry and have the most beautiful mixed great hair having children with. I feel this in my soul that I can fix it. I wouldn't say it otherwise if I didn't. I love her and I am working on me to make it possible for me to fix us. I'm sorry and I love you.