Yesterday

The 30th was hard on so many fronts. Not speaking to Kendall and the aftermath of her words Monday might I was crushed and absolutely broken. My optimism took a hit. Myself confidence and self esteem took a hit. I can see it in her eyes that part of her still wants me to prove her wrong but a majority of her doesn't believe or see me being able to. I love her so much. And her words that "she's frustrated with us" are echoed on my part. I don't want her to quit on me, to give up and toss me aside. I want her to love me still. To care. I haven't slept in 3 days. I'm not able to hold food down. My body knows that this isn't right. That what happened isn't what's supposed to happen. I miss her. I want to talk to her. I can't give up. I can't stop fighting for love.
After my session yesterday I felt a renewed sense of motivation and desire. The out of body exercise really put things into perspective. It helped me see how I can be the biggest ally of myself. That I AM my biggest friend and helper. I control things. I control my life. I'm able to bury my past. I'm able to forgive and love thru the pain. I was defeated Monday night. I was so so buried. But I'm not defeated. I'm not a loser. I'm dedicated to fixing myself and getting better. I'm dedicated to show her that love is worth it. That I'm worth it once again. It's going to be a tall mountain to climb, it's going to take hard work and diligence but after talking with my counselor yesterday, her questions and her objective view showed me that it's not simply about saying my actions will change. It's about changing them now and building upon them. That I'm not this way because I chose it, or I deserve it. I didn't do anything wrong to have the circumstances I have. It's the way I was intended to have been. I was supposed to want Kendall. I'm supposed to fight because if I feel that in my soul then I can't ignore it. If I feel that love for her still I can't just say its not enough. It is enough. Love is the life force, it is our salvation. I love you Kendall. You may never read this but I do. I'm here, I'm open and I'm missing you. Good luck on your test, you'll rock it. I can't wait to talk to you again.