When I was little, the world was expected of me from very early in my life. I was told that I had to be certain things, act in certain ways and if I fell short I would be disciplined.
The expectations for me were perfection, they were, in hindsight unattainable. Nonetheless, I pushed myself to e everything that was expected of me. I didn't have a mentor, I didn't have a concrete support system. My mom grew up in one of the worst environments in the world and how she was raised affected her in so many ways. Those effects were passed on to me more than any of my other siblings.
Now let me clear this up, I love my mom to death. As a single mother, she did everything she could to protect us from certain things. She didn't want us to see how hard life had been on her. She didn't ever want us to understand the gravity of her experiences until we were older. She had the best intentions for us, she wanted us to be better than the environment she came out of. But in many ways I, more than my siblings, began to understand and experience it as a young child. She didn't know how it impacted me, she didn't know how I felt. I couldn't ever bring myself to tell her. I just didn't want to let her down, I didn't want to burden her, I didn't want to bother her
I always was sad, angry and felt like I wasn't good enough because I didn't meet the expectations she had for me. She was so hard on me and I always resented her for it. Through that I grew to resent her and the world around me. I became an addict to unhappiness, pain and anger.
There were so many instances where I was punished even though I tried my hardest and did my best. When I was in kindergarten we had a writing assignment, to write each letter of the alphabet in upper and lowercase. I was to do the homework in front of her in the garage. I wrote those letters as well as I could, but they weren't good enough for her. Instead of helping me she told my sister to go get the belt. With every failed attempt I get spanked. This went on for a few hours. I didn't get my letters correct that night and each time the hits got harder, writing became more difficult and I cried and cried and the punishment was more spankings. I haven't ever told anyone this story. I was ashamed that it happened. I felt it was my fault that I couldn't just write the letters how she wanted. I was six. I didn't do anything wrong, I never wanted to let her down, or make anyone upset with me.
I grew up thinking many things that happened to me were normal, or that I deserved them when I didn't.
I was just a kid.
I don't know why she was so mean, so much harder on me than everyone else.
I held it all in, I refused to let anyone ever see the pain on the inside. Instead of opening up I clammed up and acted out in anger, instability and ways I saw.
For many of you who know me well you know I'm a great imitator, I can emulate things I see on tv, things I hear and encounter.
That's because my entire life growing up I had to be and become what I wasn't. I had to mask myself from perceived judgement, from what I thought would be embarrassment.
I always thought I wasn't good enough for love, I rarely heard that phrase growing up. Only recently have I began to see love as the basis of life.
I did so many things that I'm ashamed of.
I'm not asking you for pity or sympathy.
I ask for your forgiveness. For I knew not what I was doing, how I was acting or how I was affecting people and ruining my own happiness.
I wish this story wasn't true, I wish It didn't happen.
I wasn't meant to be the person I was, for the monster to take over and drown out my need for help, for understanding and for love.
I'm sorry to all of the people I hurt in my life. I can only ask that to see me for the man I am now. And can find it in your hearts to forgive me for my past transgressions and give me another chance to earn your respect, time, love and care.
I'm a boy who was pushed to grow up too fast and didn't get the lessons that childhood provided. I missed crucial developmental blocks and if I could fix what I did I would. But I can't, all I can do is make sure I don't ever return to that mentality, set of behaviors and emotional instability.
It's not anyone's fault. It just happened. As much as I wish everyday this and all the other things that happened didn't I can't change what did happen, I can only change what can and will. I can work to finish fixing myself and not let those demons back into my heart, my mind or ruin my life another second.
I'm open, I'm vulnerable and I'm sorry.
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