I had so many demons that I had to deal with and overcome, yet, nothing I do seems to make sense to others. They think I can't change and be the person I need to be, the person I want to be. They think I should give up, pack up and call it quits. I refuse to do that, to give up on this fight this close to the finish. I understand how it may seem impossible and improbable to others, how they may think I am faking this but this is the most true I've ever felt in my life. I feel at peace with things and I am calm, collected and I see the world for what it really is. I see where my true values stand, where my dreams lie and how far I'm willing to go to earn it all back. I lived in a mental state of toxicity and fear. I lived under clouds of anger, pain, hurt and resentment toward myself and things from my past I did my best to suppress and ignore. I thought that if I didn't face them head on that I would be able to live a normal, stable, happy life.
Boy was I wrong.
All that happened is that I met someone who changed the game for me, I became someone who thought that I wouldn't ever find that type of love, that want to be open and let someone all the way in. She pushed me, saw the type of person I could be and the potential I could reach. She saw the passion I had for things and it made her want to be in my life, it led her to love me for me. Then as she got closer and closer to me and I became to love everything about her the lid began to come off of the box of my pain. I had suppressed it for decades and didn't think anyone would ever come around to make that change. She was the key. Instead of being able to tell her how I felt my entire life and how much baggage I carried with me and all the ways that my anger, insecurities, fear of life and of embarrassment hindered me, I began to drive her away against my conscious thought. All of the suffering I put myself through came out and created a mess of what was. It destroyed the house that was built, it burned down.
I was the center of the problem. I allowed the monster of negativity, hate and anger that I unknowingly created to come out and push things onto her. She didn't deserve the ways in which things were put on her. I didn't mean to hurt you, or any of the people that I hurt in my life. I was the center of every issue that has arisen in my life. If I had only known how to exercise the demons and open up that lock and let everything out and clear myself of the self-imposed guilt and hell I was in things wouldn't be this hard right now. Day by day I wake up and remember the grave mistakes I made with her, with myself. There were many times where I was so angry at the world, I felt that I was a victim, that people owed me something. Instead of seeing that I wasn't the pain, anger, hurt and insecurity, I persecuted myself because I felt that it was my fault, that I deserved it. I didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve any of it either.
I have finally let all of the baggage free, I've exercised the pain in my soul and escaped from the shackles that held me away from my own heart and the life I want to have along with the people I want in it.
I want to start over, I want another shot to show the content of my soul, the shape of my heart. I know now what living right is and what it feels like. It feels amazing. I literally was saved from the edge of the cliff. What I would've become was something atrocious. The mistakes I made, the way I lived, the boy I was, all of those were wrong, they were skewed, my perspectives, my way of communicating, my internal emotional issues almost ruined me. I thank god every single day that I didn't become what I almost was.
I climbed out of the pit, I defeated the demons, I killed that monster and burned the contents. I left my past in the past. I've forgiven those who I didn't think I could ever forgive. I'm ready to earn my way back into a place of importance. I'm ready to show the person I am isn't the person I ever was. I'm a changed man, more importantly I'm finally a MAN. A man who wants to learn to hunt, shoot a gun, skin an animal, drive off-road, eat beef regularly and learn to play the guitar. I want to buy a boat, a house, a truck, grow old here in Flagstaff, go to Lake Powell and swim without a life jacket. I want to go on dates, get married out in that field by the arboretum, have children, holiday traditions, ugly sweaters and have home videos and photo albums of my life. Months ago I wasn't able to provide that life, that list or the tools to make it possible. But right here, right now, I am standing here before the world ready to proclaim my love, for life, for you, for family and for faith. I'm finally ready to step from behind the castle walls and walk the line back to the life I want and will work everyday to earn and deserve.
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