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As I'm sitting here crying in the bathroom, I feel broken. All the emotion came rushing back to me. It all hit be like a brick wall. I'm not deviating from my path, programs or goal of earning Kendall Rae's love and time back. But I have this lump in my throat. After talking with my two counselors and group members for 4 and 3 weeks respectively I've become better at pinpointing a mood swing, at grabbing it and not letting it go unchecked. I checked it. I needed to cry it out and process it. As I'm writing this I feel myself getting better. I'm not as crushed as I just was. I miss you more tonight than ever before. I remember when I had a breakdown right before we went to bed and you told me you'd always be there. You told me you weren't going anywhere, that you were here for the long haul. I believed you 1000%. You're not here. You're gone, you say you're done, you're forcing yourself to be done, not talk to me and try to move on.

Why?

I'm not a bad person, I'm not terrible. I'm not a monster. I've done wrong things, acted ignorantly and did stupid mindless things that were inappropriate and unacceptable. But I'm not bad, I'm not unworthy. I'm a great person. I care deeply about you. I love you powerfully like no one ever will. You don't have to be ready to start over, just tell me you miss me. Just let me know that you still love me. I miss you, the person, the angel. It's not about sex, it's not about the title or the comfortability. It's about me knowing I will love you for the rest of my days. Whether I turn in the withdrawal papers or not I will always love you. Whether I break my leg and fall off a cliff, I will always love you. If I lose my sight, hearing and sense of smell I always will love you.

But what if I'm right? What if we are meant to be together? What if this is gods way of preparing me for the life were supposed to have?
What if you're wrong? What if. Just ask yourself that. What if I do prove it to you, what if I do earn the respect of your family back? What if I do send the letters I've written them all?

What if?

I love you and I hope you sleep well babe. I miss you.