Fear of Me

I can honestly say that the man I am now, is a man that my former self would be both ashamed and proud to see. On one hand, I've become a better person, I think and see the world in a deeper way. But on the other hand, I've become a shell of my existence. I've become a man driven by fear. This fear simultaneously motivates and defeats me. 

I used to love the concept of love. I used to bask in the idea that one day, one person can walk into your life and make the picture a little clearer, a little brighter. However what I have seen through my time here is that it's the most frightening thing in all of fucking living. I now live in fear of commitment, I live in fear of honestly giving myself to someone else wholly and without restraint. I believed in love. But love made me the way I am now. Love made me into a cold, callous individual with no ability or capacity for genuine affection anymore. I dread deep conversation. I dread opening up. I live in constant denial and fear that I am the way I am supposed to be and it is not the case. I can mislead everyone around me, but at the end of the night, when I sit there staring at the sky in the midst of my conference of thoughts I can't hide it. I can't run from the truth, I can't hide from my own eyes. 

I've never been more afraid, of life, of love, of being whole. I dread it and there is nothing I can do to escape the hell I was cast down into.