My Marvin's Room

As I sit here pondering every aspect of my existence, I wonder what it's all worth? 

What's the struggle worth if no matter what you do there seems to be no end in sight for your suffering?

What does it profit a man to be better than the stereotype or expectation if it is seemingly impossible for him to prove himself greater than such? 

I sit here and wonder all of these things. I wonder what every struggle I've had in college is worth. I think about the depths I've plummeted to and how depressed I've been throughout these past 5 years. No matter what I've done it's been met with something to devalue and nullify it. I've broken my body to get to this point and it seems all for naught. I can't seem to gain ground on anyone or anything. 

I can't open up to people because they won't be able to fathom or relate to the things I think and dream about. I look in the mirror and become saddened by the fact that I can't seem to hold the house together. It falls apart in a different way each time that affects me greater than the last. 

I wish I had the sterling GPA, I wish I had the grades to apply everywhere I wanted. But I had to do certain things to survive that hurt my abilities in the classroom. 

One can never know the true test of their morale and character until they are faced with the decision of go to work or go hungry. It's the worst mistake I ever made to choose to not starve. I wish I was capable of having the background and support system of some of my peers. My biggest fan is my aunt. My parents don't speak to me whatsoever and don't put in the effort to know their son. But instead of letting that sink me I fought to stay afloat, only to find something else that would sink me. 

I'm tired of the same ol same ol frustrations and heartbreaks that've haunted me for decades. I want to be happy and successful. That's all I ask for in life. But that can't be achieved right now which is possibly the greatest heartbreak I've ever experienced ...