Drifting

What if I had never been? 

Looking back on the hourglass of my life what if I never amounted to anything ... If I never left home stemming out for a greater existence?

Would I have the ambition and drive that I forged in those impossible late nights filled with anger and pain? 

Would I drink to uncap my emotional complex?

Would everything truly be okay. Or would I be a dismal, dreary lampshade silhouette of the man I was supposed to be. Would Anchorage have been enough to contain my mind and soul? 

Would my mom and I be on better terms? Would family mean more to me than it does now ...

What if the stress of trying to become something you'd never seen yourself never happened. Would I have had that mental break, that downturn in my life. Would my nights have been filled with empty encounters to pass the time or would I have had a substantive connection to last me throughout?

I ask myself these questions as I stand and look at my life of 25 years. Why does my soul cry when my body barely produces a tear?

My search for meaning in a universe of nothingness leaves a bleak dissonance in my heart that may never be rectified. Never have I sought closure for any chapter of my life but I do beg the question ... What and who would I be? 

The heartless rotting soul I possess feels as if it's meant to be more. Tragedy has become my story. The potential of Mount Everest only to succumb to the pressure of the moment. It brings one to loathe the others human limitations. As I ponder the would I's I'm forced to asses whether everything has been for a reason ... Whether I'm supposed to have broken over and over and healed with the scars of my transgressions and tribulations. Only time can tell, but the ticking of eternity's clock can push one to lunacy, the high cliff is approaching fast; should I fly off it or work to keep myself away from the cusp ...