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Sometimes I wonder if I ever deserve her. If I deserve to be a part of her existence. If I deserve to be the person she thinks about when it all falls down. I wonder if I ever was or will be deserving of her love. I wonder if the monster that I am is ever going to be overcome by the love she shows for me ... If the veil that protects my facade is dying enough to endure. 

I consider all the what ifs and opportunities that could've been had I been better internally, a better person, a better man. Would I have betrayed her heart so beautifully? Would I have fulfilled every stair on the ascencion to her eternity? 

I blame myself for every misstep before her and for every single broken day after her.  It's hard for me to look in the mirror knowing, feeling, breathing. 

I hate the shortfalls my existence has brought. I hoped to never hurt her, to never leave her wondering or wanting. But indeed I already have. I feel like I'll never be more than a mere fill in for what she truly deserves; nothing more than a role player in the grand scheme of a franchise. 

I feel ... That I'll always finish just short of the expectations of my existence. That my mind will be an impediment tobecoming me.  

I pray for the future; that it never begins to resemble the pitfalls of my past. That it one day usurps the toxicity of my heart and propels me to chase what I know I can have. 

You're too good to be loved by me ... Always have and always will be.