The immense pressure I was put under to make the decision and commit to the sacrifice that inherently I would be the only one making was constant. I met an immovable coalition that made me feel things would be one singular way. But as they say "plans change". Which leaves me feeling like the only one thinking the plan never changed, it simply revealed itself to me and I feel completely deceived and lied to. The people that are benefitting the most from everything that has taken place are not me.
They have their cake and eat it too. While I am the one who made a tremendous sacrifice to make sure everyone else was happy and content, and it burned me and leaves me feeling like a pawn.
My way of seeing this situation and the world have been stark in comparison. I spent so much of my life locked away from the world emotionally that I was willing to trust and believe in the words of someone else and right here, now, in this moment I feel like an idiot. I feel like everything could have happened just the same where I was.
I'm giving so much more of myself than anyone else around me and I only see what I love and want slipping away. I find myself being pulled into something that I want my own of. I see now, the karmic nature of it all. I made so many mistakes and fucked up in life and with her that it's only fitting I feels this way about the last 2 weeks of my life.
I don't have regret, simply a wish that my sacrifice wouldn't have been made under what feels like utterly false pretenses.
I wish that there wasn't always a middle man on the train of communication, that I didn't always feel like the last person to be in the light.
I love them both so much that I would give the world to make them happy. But for some reason I feel my happiness becoming a lesser priority. I feel expendable to the utmost. Like I am here for the aesthetic rather than the necessity. U
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