I sit there, lay there, see there ... Yet I am as far from there as physically allowable. I feel so pushed away by her. She's supposed to be my great one, my everything but I feel that nothing is coming from her end.
I feel like I disgust her idea of me. In some way, I corrupt and pollute it. I used to be the person that she couldn't wait to connect with physically, now it seems that physical, emotional, spiritual connection with her is so far gone it's a fantasy at this point.
I've begun to close myself off because I know what comes next, I've lived this movie before. I know the darkness, pain and unmitigated despair this brings. I am a living reminder of the depression and degradation of who and what I was supposed to be.
How does one sit there and see the person they can't help but want to touch, hold and feel every second of every day, brush them off so easily, with such prejudice and cavalier interest?
How do you see the one person you've ever been able to love through your scars and pain, not even be able to look at you the way they used to?
How can someone ever feel valuable or wanted ever again after that? After seeing yourself fade into nothingness in the imagery of your other half?
It brings me to tears on a nightly basis. It has created this chasm between the person I've been working incomparably to be, and the worthlessness I have always felt and endured inside. I hate myself for what I was to her; but now ... I simply, wholly, hate myself for what I am in her eyes.
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