Drowning Shadows

I think I may have finally done myself in. I can honestly say I don't think that I can gain back what I have lost. There's nothing I truly can say or do. 

It's simply hopes and wishes that I dismantled by my own hands. I've been too preoccupied with things to truly focus on the details ... I've let literally everyone down, I have no one at this very moment who gives a shit in my inner circle. They've all done what everyone who encounters me will do. They'll find someone or something that has more value and stability and gravitate toward that. I feel that all the potential people speak about, all the promise, is becoming more of a fallacy day by day. 

I've never been good enough for anyone to want to stay around. I've been a shit human being for quite some time and I don't really know how to overcome my own mind. 

I hated therapy because it made me feel lows that I never imagined and an anger, a hatred that burned the nucleus of whack and what I was. I don't know if that is the answer, I don't know if there is an answer for me or if I'm destined to lose her like I've lost every other thing I've loved in my life. Without Jessica, nothing in my life has the meaning it carries. Without her there is no motivation, no fire and desire for more within me. I'm tethered to this world through her eyes. And in my idiocy I damaged that view, that hopeful gaze she carries into the world. And I'll never forgive myself for betraying her heart like that. 

I don't know what to do and I don't know how to find out.