10-22-12, my thoughts and feelings.

I woke up and laid in bed for about 10 minutes. For some reason I was on the verge of crying. My dreams weren't good but they were not as horrible as the ones that induced my anxiety attacks. I texted Kendall good morning. I would feel so low if I didn't. Even though she won't really talk to me because she needs space and time to heal I know she sees them in the morning, that makes me feel slightly good in my heart. I'm officially enrolling in the program at home for Christmas break. Four hours a day for 12 days. I'm very intimidated by it. It's going to be hard and I have no idea how the counseling and psychotherapy will go. But since I have the time to do it I might as well. It will be the best thing I've ever spent money on. That should be the final push to break the negative image of me and the self destructive actions and mood swings. I miss Kendall so much. So so much. But I know she needs this time before I come to her anew asking for a fresh start. I want just that. A fresh start to show her I can be the husband and man she sees in me. That I can become a father that I never had. The time is coming. I can sense it. I got through an entire Sunday of football and didn't have a bout of anger. I caught myself before it even happened. Took some deep breaths and used random conversation to alleviate it. I'm feeling good mentally and physically. I'm still disappointed in myself and sad that I hurt the woman I love but I vow to get better. And even after I am ready to fix things with her I'm going to stay in counseling to ensure that it never happens again. That I never have any inconsistencies, mistakes or bad bouts of non control. She deserves for me to work myself to the bone. I love you Kendall Rae. Your love is the sweetest element in this universe.