Today I woke up disoriented. I have no idea why, but I simply did. Last night at the game I had only one thing on my mind, Kendall. The entire game I thought about how much I wished she was going to walk up in that pink #22 and come on the field. Outside of that it was the first game that I kept control of my emotions. I didn't allow myself to get angry or frustrated. I took deep breaths and let things slide down my back. I feel so proud of myself for taking that step.
I had a great session yesterday, I talked about the conversation I had with my step mother, how deep and breaking it was. I told her things I never thought I ever would. I also talked about the first time I caught a mood swing and the feelings surrounding that. I'm slowly getting better. Now I'm starting to see things that I never did before. My mantra is something I do to make sure when I start to feel a descent coming on I say it and take a minute to refocus my mind. I miss Kendall more and more everyday. I'm focused on making sure I am a better man for me as well as her. She's amazing, simply the best. No one else comes close to her. I love her infinitely. If I could truly put it into words it would be the most beautiful verse in human history. I'm going to show her my transition. My maturation from stupid immature boy to man that is willing to take on the world for her. I was selfish and pig headed. I won't ever be that way to her again. I'm preparing to go through hell to earn the respect of her family and friends again. She is worth it absolutely and unequivocally. I'm headed to start my day. I love you Kendall. I know you're out there and I want you to know always that I love you immensely and that I'm remorseful for the actions I did and the bad things I did. I'm doing all I can to atone for them. I miss you and hope to talk to you today. Xoxoxo. I love you baby.
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