Today :(

Today was an up and down day. I went to group and shared a lot more of me and my situation than I ever expected. I got amazing suggestions and feedback from the others. I was so proud of myself. I felt like I had taken a huge step. My sharing of the mistakes I made and the ways I hurt Kendall were eye opening based on the feedback I got. Many of them had been in similar situations. They too had made grave mistakes in their relationships and acted out in similar ways to me. One girl even said she was able to fix the damage she had done. Her situation was even worse than what I've done wrong and she and her guy fixed it. It gives me hope that I can. Thinking of Kendall gives me butterflies. I love her so much and I wish I hadn't done these inappropriate things and said those unfaithful things. I want her back in my arms. As I sit out on this balcony one thing is clear. The love I have for her is true. It is perfect. I may not have always shown by my actions but my love for her is incapable of being tainted. And I know she loves me immensely and doesn't know what to do and is hurt beyond hurt. She has every right to be. I was wrong. I was so so wrong. I'm never going to hurt her like that again. I want to earn back the day where I say those 10 words:
"I love you Kendall Rae Vickers, will you marry me?"
Those ten words mean more to me than any other words in existence. I love you Kendall. So much. And my remorse and regret motivate me to never EVER again make you hurt or feel like this. I'm going to give you better than I did because you're worth it and your love is worth it. I have to prove to you that I'm worth it. Goodnight love, you're with me in my dreams and in my heart. I love you.