What haunts me

Every night as I sleep I face the same recurring, violent paranoia. I wake up Ina sweat, my heart pounding out of my chest. Nearly every night I ha e dreams of death and losing those close to me. I dream of dying and never being able to live up to the man I see inside. I fear death, I fear injury and I deeply fear the way in which I will die. I've never really told anyone about this but in my exercise of self-disclosure and expanding the breadth and depth of me I am finally disclosing this. My fear of death causes me to be paranoid and anxious about things. It is what created my fear of flying, my fear of water and drowning. It's why I can't speed on the highway and Kendall gets frustrated with my driving. I'm afraid of something happening therefore I clam up and become overly cautious and anxious. I'm learning to breathe and relax my mind, not jut my body when it comes to my fears and anxiety and BPD. Fear, anger, depression, extreme mood fluctuation, lack of self awareness and a failure to grasp the gravity of my behaviors and actions is what my disorder is. Borderline is a key word. I teeter on the edge of pure happiness and absolute devastation. I have to release my fear in order to get better and heal myself from my past and my childhood.