11-22

Today would've been our one year. Even though this brings me sadness and hurts a little bit to think about I'm not depressed about it, I haven't had any mood downswings. I love her, I love me, I love my life. The treatment I've been doing has been hard, but it has been effective. I'm thankful that god made it possible for me to climb out of the self imposed hell I was in. Kendall Rae and God up above are the two people who saved me, whether she knows it or not. I'm humbled, I'm patient, I understand. I see the big picture and I am ready to work for her affection, time, trust and hand in a relationship and one day in marriage. The man I've become isn't the man I was. It may be hard to believe that in 6 weeks I've made this much progress but it's real, it's true.
There are people all around me telling me to quit, to give up, to find someone else. I can't do that because those people are wrong. I refuse to quit on this love, I refuse to quit and give up on something that can be as beautiful as this. Call me crazy, call me foolish. But when I think of the future Kendall Rae is front and center. Not because I consciously force it but because she naturally is there. When I dream of my wedding day, which I do quite frequently, she is the one in the dress. I'm not faking this or just saying it to seem like a person I'm not. I AM this person. This IS me. I wholeheartedly wish that this change had come long ago but that wasn't what god intended for me. I'm seeing signs everyday that show me what I can do if I fight the adversity and do everything in my power to show her and show the world what I am becoming.
I'm thankful for life, I'm thankful for the tears streaming down my face writing this, I'm thankful for the pain I went through because its taught me the true meaning of love. I'm thankful for Mrs. Susan Vickers, because everyday when I wake up and pray and do my mantras I hear her words, they echo in my mind and without people like her this world wouldn't be as great. I'm thankful for the god we have because he is an awesome god who can create waves of progress over areas that were assumed to be dried out. I'm thankful for the place I'm at in life because I'm healthy, I'm forging a path toward the future I want. I'm thankful for those people who are standing by me through all of this transformation. I'm glad you haven't thrown me away and outcast me. Lastly I'm thankful for ME! I'm thankful The Lord created someone like me and has led me from the brink back to this place. I love myself, the man I'm becoming and even though I regret the person I was I sadly had to be him in order to become me. I'm the rose that grew out of the concrete, the caterpillar that has become the butterfly. I'm not turning back, I'm not regressing. Mustafa is dead. Those mistakes, those horrible actions and the mental and emotional instability are gone. I'm focused and motivated to be the best man I can ever be. I love you Kendall Rae, I love you lord, I love all of my true friends and I love my family and I love me. Be thankful for life's opportunities and don't give up. Fight for it. Because in the end if you fight and lose its better than not fighting at all. You can't know if you don't try. Love is life, life is love.