Fear of Falling

I cannot change the things that have scarred me and left me feeling like damaged goods. I cannot alter the hell that I had to walk through to gain the experience and perspective that I have gained over the past 2 years. I also cannot change the notion that my mind, body and soul are different and exist in constant fear of a repetition of the events that left me in this internal prison I still live in. It's made me calloused and cold to affection. It's made effort and genuine singularity seem like distant, foreign entities. I can't shake my emotional damage. To be broken in the way I was broken, to feel empty in the way I felt empty never truly goes away. But I do see the pathway to a better tomorrow. To go down that path requires me to fall, to let fate and chance overwhelm my conscious restraints and give my soul a second to feel weightless. But I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I'm capable of letting anyone into the inner sactum of my mind and seeing how truly destroyed I once was. From a man on a ledge to a man with the will and strength to make it through every exhausting day and sleepless night. I still struggle with sleeping and that feeling of voidness  that hits me on holidays and never seems to go away no matter how I try. I want a normal life and to have normal institutions that others have but my fear of going through what I went through once again has me literally frightened to be sincere and open and genuine with the hopes of having a normal relationship because I don't feel that I can. I want to, need to, but don't think I'm capable. My friends definitely don't think that I can even remotely be the romantic relationship type but little do they know the pain I went thru to make me this way. No one knows what I've seen, felt and experienced. Because this is the only place where the mask can come off and where the me I used to be comes back to haunt the me I wish I was.