Every turn and time when I say how I'm feeling or express how I'm feeling it's shot down and I'm pivoted into the scapegoat and never ending reason that everything takes place. I feel like the word relationship can't accurately describe what we have devolved into. We are simply two friends who live together. She's no longer being my girlfriend. She's simply seeing me as a partner in raising our child. I'm not given that sanctified space that she has with me. There is no one walking this planet that can demand my time away from her. There isn't a singular soul that I ever place over her. But when the inverse is presented, I draw the shortest straw. Rather than see what I'm saying or where I'm coming from, I'm relegated to this corner where I'm expected to be the one to always be the bigger person and hold my tongue or my frustration at bay no matter the circumstance.
I feel I've lost my girlfriend all over again. That I'm just the one idiot that hasn't gotten the memo yet. I don't feel it's fair for me to never express how I feel without me being considered just a negative person. I try every single day to acclimate to the way the family dynamic will always be and it makes me increasingly yearn for privacy and space. I moved away from home to be an adult and to have my own family.
I miss having alone time, I miss the feeling of being able to spend a night just relaxing without being bombarded with questions, badgered about my day and incessantly talked to like I am unintelligent or unaware. I wish the tables would be turned so she could experience the depression that I experience dealing with that every day. But she'll never be able to understand the frustration and anger I experience because it will never happen to her.
My feelings and thoughts are discarded and treated as optional, while everyone else has the benefit of being treated like their shit doesn't stink. Even as I sit here typing this, sleepless and exhausted, I know that when I get home, it will be more of the same ...
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