Tired of Trying to be "IT"

I don't know what else to do. 

I don't know how else to regain my solace with her. 

My heart weighs heavy and burdensome on the inside of my chest and burns to feel redeemed. I feel like it's always me against her or her against me. There's no way we can take on the world together because we have already lost the battle to save our collective soul. 

Whatever we were is dead. Never will we go back to the nights out, the confidence of knowing she had my back through every valley and the rare peaks I experienced. Replacing that is the empty crutch of what "could be" when it comes to us. I feel like the division that was already a big stick on point has become a chasm that may never fully close. 

I can't ever be her main person she goes to in confidence. I can't be her rock, her number 1 person because that spot will forever be held by someone that isn't me. 

How can I see myself marrying someone when I know I will forever be the second fiddle to an orchestra that will never willingly stop playing? 

I want to be her other half, her rock, her steady in force but I can't be. Those positions are filled and held with a stronghold tighter than the Iron Curtain could ever be. I'm destined to be the in between time person rather than the franchise player. 

There is no one that I confide in more so than her. There is no one that I look to for guidance or help outside of her. But for me, it's the opposite. In the forgotten commodity, the unanswered call. The thing that can be brushed aside and never be given my worth in merit for the effort I bring. 

I will never be her pole position player. I'll never be her "one" because there will always be her ONES that couldn't imagine relinquishing that position. 

It's heartbreaking to know that the person who I prioritize more than anything else in my entire existence, prioritized her mom and little sister in such a high regard that I'll never be able to eclipse. She can tell me that she knows of nothing more important than our new family, but I can think of something that seems to always take precedent.